Questioning Fate
by syrai
Summary: Judgment Day never came, but 2006 it's about to. Another person is sent through time to help John Connor and his wife to prevent it... But what is going on and what are the real reasons behind Robin York's actions? --- BEING REWRITTEN!
1. Prologue rewritten

**Title: **Questioning Fate

**Author: **Syrai

**Rating:** PG-13 (for language)

**Pairings: **Kate/John/original character triangle

**Status: **WIP

**Summary: **Judgment day never came... but now, 2006, it's about to. A woman is sent back in time to prevent it from happening... but what is going on, really, and what are the true reasons behind Robin York's actions?

**A/N:** I'm rewriting yet another story of mine – why? Because I have to, or I won't get anywhere with it, ever. I have no idea what drove me into trying to write this fic in the first place, but it's safe to say it won't leave me alone – I mean, it has been years, literally. I'm thinking maybe it was the cute, cute, cute, cute look on John Connor's face when he sits in that lovely cage being all "I didn't do it." Yes, let's blame that – the bad boy act sure works for me. I could eat him, really.

What else? I also happen to know I might have errors with the timeline even though I really tried to think it through as carefully as I could. And well, other errors are possible too as English is not my first language. Anyways, feel free to point out my big mistakes, I don't mind but I can't promise I'd change them either –I've kinda made my own "timeline" out of information I've gathered and making dramatic changes will screw up the whole plot. We'll just forget everything that doesn't fit to the profile of my fic here. Mwuahaha, yes, I'm that evil.

The song used is PRESSURE by Staind.

**Prologue**

_I can't take this_ I come unglued

I might _breakdown_ in front of you

necessary to medicate

_I'm not sleeping, can't stay awake_

_Can't see_ through this

Too much _pressure_

_Drowning_ in this

_Too much _pressure

If you need me _I'll be here_

_Half unconscious_ to escape _my fear_

the year 2019

Things are not the way they were then; when I was still a little girl and happy and everything was better.

I remember, all too well, how my Mom and Dad used to take me into this beautiful park right next to our home, right beside our backyard. It was years ago and still I remember how they sat on the wooden bench for hours just watching how I ran around the park with other children; how I enjoyed myself under the bright sun. And I remember how I'd sometimes pause and turn to look at them only to see them whispering sweet words to each other. Most of the time I could hear them saying them though I always pretended I didn't. He would lean closer, smile, and Mom would laugh softly at his words. She would smile back, the brightest smile I've ever seen to date, and she'd bring her hand to touch his cheek and give him a gentle kiss on the lips which she always thought went by unnoticed. But I noticed, every time.

Above all, I _remember _how it felt to realise, time after time, that they were happy and still, after years of marriage, very much in love.

Hell, now that I think of it, I remember much more than that; my favourite swing was painted red just like the sand box next to it while the other swing was yellow. Or it had been when it'd still been new and shiny, but it'd already lost all it's color then, even when I was young. So yes, I remember a bunch of meaningless little details that make no difference, change and give nothing. Because remembering the good times doesn't always erase the bad, doesn't always bring comfort.

I had a dream I'd grow up to be someone important, like a lawyer or doctor or a princess. But never, not once, did I think my life would turn out this way, be what it is. Then again, I never thought of the possibility of the world ending up into this particular point. I don't think any of us did – well, except for _John Connor _that is.

She, the legendary Saint Sarah, she tried to warn us, _humans,_ and we like the idiots we are chose to ignore it because it's always easier to live in denial than face the truth. She always knew what would happen, didn't she? Yeah, blessed be the Saint Sarah, the oh-so-magnificent prophet who bred and raised a soldier. A leader for the new world to come. Yeah, whatever. I can thank her for the nice try and for giving us him, sure, but a solid fact is that _she_ failed her mission. Why do they never remember that, huh?

Naturally, the park I remember doesn't exist anymore. Only in my dreams. And I'm guessing it won't soon be there either. It's slowly, but surely, starting to fade from my mind and I know why, but I can't do anything about it.

It's because I don't sleep that much nowadays and frankly; I dream even less. There's nothing to remind me of that place. It's not that I don't like sleeping or dreaming, if that matters, because I do. But when you keep hearing the distant voices of war humming in your ears 24/7, well, you just don't want to sleep or see any dreams… for you know what kind they'll be. Nightmares. So you stay up and fight the war, inside and outside your head.

The war plaguing us seems to have no end and it causes nothing but sadness and sorrow and nightmares so horrible that they haunt you even when you're awake. Sometimes they're so vivid that you aren't sure if it's dream or reality. Maybe a little bit of both from time to time, you don't know. In the end you give up and don't really care anymore - you don't do it on purose, of course, but you simply do not have energy left to care. So instead, you just let the visions take over, let them come and go as they please.

And then, sometimes... sometimes they even end up being real. Sometimes you truly have heard people screaming in pain and it takes a while before you realise you've once again been attacked. For real.

So you don't sleep... but it's okay, really, because I kinda like spending my nights half-asleep, half-awake anyway. Gives me a chance to lay there in silence, be there by his side and guard his restless sleep. He definitely needs guarding - despite the fact he keeps denying it with every step taken.

But he does need me, no matter what he says. Or at least I hope so.

I breathe in his scent and I don't want to exhale, not ever. Simply 'cause I don't want to let it -him- go and I know that's what'll happen if he suddeny comes to. Sometimes I'm too scared to breathe, to even think, for even the slightest noise can snap him awake and he really could use the rest anyway. He's always been like that, such a light-sleeper, at least as far as I can remember.

Sometimes he sees the kind of nightmares that cut my breathing, and his, and make him tremble and sweat all over. That's usually when he keeps calling out the name of his old lover, but I don't mind, I just want to take the pain away. I try to wake him up; chase away the nightmare by kissing his forehead, by whispering calming words into his ear… and I gather him into my arms and tell him I love him... and ignore the fact he thinks he's holding someone else.

He loved her more than he could ever love me, but usually I'm person big enough to get over that, to ignore it. Usually I'm just happy he's alive after all the shit he's been through.

Like a thief, I steal one last glance before I lean down closer to kiss his forehead gently, the way I always do. I get up from the bed as carefully as I can and slowly, as if to postpone what I know I'll have to do, start to get dressed. I pull my shirt over my head but stop as I hear him move and mutter something incoherent. I swear to God even my heart stops at the noise, just like my breathing did.

When he doesn't move again for a minute, doesn't say anything, I exhale thinking the path is clear.

But then, "York?" he mumbles my name softly and I smile wistfully. He always, always calls me by my last name for a reason I've yet to discover. It's a habit he picked up from day one and can't seem to lose... not that I'd mind. I do it too, anyway. Call him by his last name, that is.

"I'm here, Connor," I answer from the shadows though I know I should stay silent not to wake him up completely. He _was _half-asleep, but not anymore. I realise it's too late to back down when he slowly opens his eyes and tries to find me from the shadows. Lucky for me, it's too dark for his eyes at first and it takes a moment before he's adjusted to the blackness around.

"What you doing there?" He asks after spotting me by the door. "Come back to bed."

I want to, so badly. But I can't and so I shake my head, swallowing hard, and pick up my trousers which were thrown on the floor a few hours ago. By him, of course. I feel like crying; feel like confessing and begging him to stop me, to tell me I'm crazy and that I can't do it. He tilts his head to one side and the burning desire to go back to bed and to be held by him hits my insides like a hammer would.

"I can't," I answer finally. I try to sound assuring, commanding even, but it never stops him from asking more questions, from demanding me to bend.

"York," his voice is low and _commanding_ and, well, quite obviously affecting me the way he meant it to. They don't call him leader for nothing.

"It's the middle of the night," he states the obvious, "what you mean you can't?"

_You wouldn't understand, John._

Or maybe he would and he'd show me the green light.

I'm not sure which one scares me more.

"Drag your ass back to bed," he says, impatient, "or I'll come and drag you back myself."

Wouldn't be a first, but, "Sorry, hon," I say with a casual roll of shoulders and force myself to smile. Where the hell did I leave my jacket, damnit? I scan the floor quickly 'till I spot it near the bed. Preparing, I take a few steps closer to pick it up and then, turn to look at him. "I really gotta go now, ok? I have a few things to sort out."

He's suspicious, I can tell... and he won't let me off the hook this easy 'cause of that.

"Sort out?" He asks and a second later the candle on his nightstand is being lit, "At this time?" He continues, staring at me and into my eyes to try and find the answer he's looking for. "Like what?" When I still don't answer, he does the one thing he knows will get a reaction of somekind out of me. He sits up as I pull the jacket on and the blanket on top of him starts to slowly slip down. I silently pray he'll stop it, for my sake, because I don't think I could cope with him being naked right now.

Which, I'm guessing, is exactly what he's counting on.

"Nothing big," I tell him, eyes darting from one wall to another, "Don't worry over it, okay? You just focus on the big issues. Like stopping the war and all."

Maybe it's somewhat low of me to mention it, to use the war to get his mind off of me, but... he's not giving me much of a choice here, is he?

"I'll just stop by the headquarters and I'll be back in a minute, I promise," I say, explaning, "'Sides, I wanna check on the kids. That was a nasty-looking blow she took today and I bet she's still in the infirmary."

"Yeah, it was," he admits and _finally, _thank heavens, he grabs the blanket pulling it back, "and you know, Sarah better be there or I'll get pissed off."

Bringing his much worshipped first-born to the conversation was also very low of me. But, as they say, all is fair in love and war. And in this case, it's a mix of both.

"But you know," John keeps on talking, "if I were you, I wouldn't worry too much. She's a tough girl, she'll survive. She takes after her mother, after all."

He didn't mean it to sting, but still I flinch as he mentions her... his deceased wife. He's a guy, he doesn't understand it.

"I know she does," I say, forcing a smile of some kind, "and hey, she does have a bit of you in her veins too so she'll be alright. You'll just sleep, ok? And you know, I'm gonna check up on Reese while I'm there, so really, don't stay up and wait for me. Sleep, Connor... Big day tomorrow."

He snorts, sound made in the back of his throat and says, "As big as any other day we've lived through."

Not even close, _love. _I wonder what he would say if he knew what I'm about to do. If I told him that no, actually, tomorrow is gonna be a big day. Different than all the others.

Would he stop me and tell me to forget it, to leave it at that. Would be refuse to let me do it... or would he wish me luck and ask me to save Joy's life? I don't know.

"Go back to sleep," I say one more time before I turn around and glance over my shoulder.

"And John," -_I love you-_ "be careful."

Before he can answer, say anything at all, I close the door behind me and quicken my pace. I need to go and I need go now or I won't be able to.

I don't even notice the amount of junk and dirt around me anymore, not even when I detour my way around them. I've gotten used to the cracked walls and floors filled with stuff because we don't have enough space to keep them anywhere else... not to mention the roof that could fall down on us any minute, at least it seems it could. None of those things bother me anymore. During my first weeks down here it all looked so much worse… with me being a bitch and breathing down on their necks, they really did manage to fix the place up pretty well. I'm glad. Now it at least looks like something that can actually be defined as _home_.

Because really, this place, that's what it is. A home... and not only to me, but to so many others. We've lived underground for years - it's the only way to stay hidden from the machines.

As I reach the door of the infirmary, I pause. I think I heard something... so I stop my hand on the doorknob and listen for a moment... but I don't have to stand there for long before I hear their voices coming from the other side of the door.

And of course, I recognize them immediately.

Sarah Connor, the oldest and only daughter of John Connor's... and Reese Connor, her little brother.

I knock on the door but I don't wait for an answer, I never do; I just pull the door open and step in. Sarah is lying, well, sitting in an old hospital bed with Reese sitting at her feet. They both turn to look at me as I enter, and they smile their father's smile at me.

It manages to melt my heart and warm me up inside.

It wasn't always like this. I mean, after their mother died they hated me and it's not like you could blame them either. Sarah hated me for so long and so passionately that I thought I'd never survive it – I was truly afraid of the kid sneaking up into my room in the middle of night and suffocating me with my own pillow. Wouldn't have surprised me... as John pointed out, she's a warrior like her mother and grandmother both were; guess it comes with the shared name.

Growing up in a world like this you gotta be strong, I suppose. Just wish she could've had the kind of childhood I did.

She's eleven and already a soldier.

"Hey," Sarah greets me, smile widening. "You came to check I'm still kicking and breathing?" She laughts at her own words and I nod, returning the smile weakly. How can I tell her that really, what I'm here for, is a goodbye.

So, I tell her, "something like that," and shut the door behind me. Only, when I don't make a single move, the kids exchange a hesitated look before their eyes return on me.

"Okay... what's the problem, York?" Reese asks with serious tone and for a moment he sounds just like his father instead of a 8-year-old boy . I close my eyes and focus on breathing. Can't break into tears now, alright? Can't.

"Problem?" I open my eyes again, rolling them and snort, "Who said there's a problem?" They're both looking at me with a meaningful look in their eyes and yet again, they exchange a knowing glance before it's Sarah's turn to speak.

"Well," Sarah starts, immediately, "for one there's the look on your face."

There's no look, damnit.

"Seriously, it's like the Judgment day had come all over again," she says, thinking it's the funniest joke she's ever cracked and even Reese snickers. I do too, but only for the show. There's nothing funny or amusing about the Judgment day and if the situation wasn't this, the kind it is, I'd tell her that.

It's like the Judgment day had come all over again, huh?

And, you know, in so many ways, it has. _You have no idea, kid, no clue _and I'm glad she doesn't. Because she doesn't deserve this kind of life, this fate, this destiny, this war. None of this. She deserves so much more and all I want is to give her that... that and the world.

Oh well, Connor always says I'm too damn driven, too damn ambitious for my own good...

"No, not really. Just wanted to make sure you're ok," I say after a while and give Reese a look, "and that _he'_s in bed – which he's not, I see."

My face must say more than any words ever could 'cause he gets up with a smile, gives his sister a hug and walks up to me. "See," he laughs, giving me a hug, "I'm going!" And then, in a blink of an eye, he truly is gone and I'm thinking... will I never see him again?

"So, what's up?" Sarah asks, adjusting her position and I can feel her bluegreen eyes on me, screening through my expressions, examining. She knows, like John did, that I'm not being honest because unfortunately, another thing the two have always shared is the inner-built lie-detector that I don't know how to cheat.

Fine, let's get it out in the open, then.

"Look, I'm about to do something that might end up being the most idiotic thing I've ever done," I tell her truthfully because that's the only thing I can do. She frowns, not understanding and tilts her head just like her father always does. She's trying to figure out my words and I can see the process in her eyes. Naturally she has no real idea of what I'm talking about, and I don't want her to know either – I don't want to explain these things to her because as said, she's only 11 and my problems shouldn't become hers and-

"You're going back."

What?

"Huh?"

She snorts, rolls her eyes and, "you're going back, aren't you?" she repeats calmly, only this time she adds the question to it as if to underline the point.

I blink, eyes shifting to my side and I feel my body tremble.

"Going back where?" Well, playing the dumb-adult-card is my best option, I guess.

"To the past, of course. You know it's against our rules!"

Not ours, his. His rules. Like everything else in today's world.

"No, of course I'm not." Perhaps I deny it a little bit too fast and perhaps a little bit too loudly as well, because she doesn't believe me at all. Her smile fades away completely and she stares at me, waiting for me to explain. She doesn't have to ask me to, the expression on her face is as demanding as always. "No," I say again, but this time calmly.

Her eyes, they're throwing sharp, pointy objects at me; I swear my skin prickles.

"Don't lie to me," she accuses me, growing angry, "I know you are."

Maybe coming to see her wasn't such a good idea...

"Fine, whatever. It's really none of your business, Sarah," I snap, though we both know it has everything to do with her.

"Okay, sure... then why did you tell me you're about to do something really idiotic?" The smile on her face is a true mark of victory and I can't help but sigh. Okay, fine, she got me on that one. I have no idea. Don't ask me questions that difficult, okay?

"I dunno," I admit, shoulders collapsing with defeat. There's something very wrong with me and my life if a 11-year-old can beat the truth out of me by only staring. "I guess," I start, stuttering, "I guess I wanted to see you two before, before I... I mean-"

Luckily I don't have to complete my sentence; she does it for me.

"Before you leave," she finishes, matter-of-fact.

"Well, yeah."

Then she frowns and I know she's gonna ask something – it's a matter of seconds, I swear and-

"Are you coming back?"

Oh man. Not that one.

Instead of lying, I shake my head. If only I could explain it all to her; I know she'd understand. Okay, yeah, she's a child but she's a smart one and I have this feeling she'd see my point of view better than her father ever could. And in the end, after some time, she'd find it within her, the power and reason to forgive me. She'd be the one to hug me and wish me luck.

"No," I say, inhaling sharply, "I'm not coming back, ever. But I need you to do something for me, okay?"

Something in her eyes flickers and, "depends on what it is," she says and folds her arms. If things had been different, she'd be a business woman to be.

Here goes. Don't cry.

"I know it's lot to ask, since really, you are just a lil kid... but I want you to tell your Dad that I'm doing this because I love you and Reese and cause I love him."

She doesn't say anything.

"I have to do this, Sarah, 'cause you see... I know something even he doesn't know yet."

She frowns again, disbelief shining from her eyes. The faith she has for her father is never-ending and never, ever, does it falter.

"No. No, no. No," she repeats the word with a shake of head and then goes onto reasoning, "That's not possible. He's the head of this Resistance, there's nothing he doesn't know."

That's what I thought once. Then I grew up.

And it's not about that. _I have to do this, Sarah._ Let me do this.

"No, honey," I argue, "you're wrong. I know he'll find it out eventually and when he does, he'll want to go back himself or something as stupid as that. I won't allow that... I can't, so I'll go."

"So you're playing a martyr, huh?" She snaps and the words cut wounds on my flesh, make me bleed, "Listen, we could send someone else, you know."

I appreciate what she's trying to do, really, but this is the one fight she won't win with me. She's right of course, I'm sure at least 20 of John Connor's loyal soldiers would want to do it for me, for him, but no. I can't change my mind anymore. It's gotta be me. "I'm not doing this because I want to leave you guys," I say, a plead so obvious in my eyes that she reads it easily, "I'm doing this only because I have to. Will you tell him I said that, please? Will you ask him to trust me, for once? Tell him that I'm gonna take care of it."

"Take care of what?" She tries, though she knows I won't tell. That I can't. Nice try, baby girl, but not gonna happen.

"Sarah, come on." Maybe she hears the warning in my voice despite the fact it trembles a bit, or maybe sees it in my eyes. Either way, she gives up, sighing.

"Fine," she spits like a child would, "I'll tell him that."

There's a pause and then, "You know he'd kick your ass if he knew about this, right?"

Oh, honey. I roll my eyes and give a small, cynical laugh.

"Why do you think I'm leaving in the middle of night, huh?"


	2. Chapter 1

Title: Questioning Fate

Author: Syrai

Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language)

Genre: Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humour and lots of drama

Pairings: Kate/John/new character triangle

Status: WIP

Summary: Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N #1:** Warning: I'm going to use different POVs, storytellers and so on, so try NOT to be confused (I'm evil, I know) – you can complain bout it, not saying it'll do anything good though. I'm doing it only because I wanted to try something I've never done. ::rolls eyes:: In case you wanna give me feedback or tell me what I'm doing wrong, then go ahead and tell. I'd like to hear your opinions anyway as it is my first Terminator fic.

_Tower:_ Thank you for the very first review ) Really appreciate it, of course. I just wanted to explain myself a bit. I agree with the fact it was bit confusing and I'm sorry for that but I didn't want to give everything away as it was only the prologue but I also felt that readers should know that part. It tells something about York's character, or at least it tries. Also the fact I keep screwing up with past tenses sucks and adds the confusion but I'm looking for a betareader so I'll try to get that one fixed up soon. Anyway, thanks for the review )

* * *

1

_"One needs something to believe in, something for which one can have whole-hearted enthusiasm. One needs to feel that one's life has meaning, that one is needed in this world."_

- HANNAH SENESH

**the**** year 2006**

_Oh Gods._

It's not like I don't want to have children with him. No, not at all, of course I do. I mean I've been in love with him as long as I can remember – maybe even longer. Ever since we shared that kiss in Mike Kripke's basement he was always in my mind, and I kept wondering what had happened to him that night his foster parents were murdered. But... that doesn't change anything, it doesn't change the way things are now, how could it? It's just that knowing there's always the possibility of a few crazy machines attacking us from the future and trying to kill me and my husband isn't really considered as solid ground when it comes to starting a family, now is it? No, and I understand that. Safety should come first, then family.

And yet, here I am, standing in the middle of our re-tiled bathroom trying to avoid looking at the pregnancy test on top of the toilet seat, but it is an impossible task for me to carry on. Bastard - the colour is practically screaming at me and I am able to hear the distant hum in my ears – "yes", it says like a whisper from the unknown. "Yes, you're about to bring an innocent child into the middle of this chaos and danger. You should be ashamed of yourself."

The worst part is that's exactly how I feel at the moment. Ashamed, even though I know I have done nothing wrong. For crying out loud, I'm pregnant by my husband; there's nothing illegal about that!

"Oh Gods."

Suddenly a feeling of exhaustion rushes through my veins causing me to gasp for air and lean against the sink to keep my balance.

_What the hell are you gonna do now, Kate, huh?_

I have no answer to my own unspoken question; I don't know – truth to be told, I don't even have a clue. What I do know is that this could only bring troubles, nothing else. It's obvious that John would never forgive me if I decided not to give birth to this baby… And it's even more obvious I'd never forgive myself if I made the decision without him. This may concern my body but it's his decision to make too and I already know what he'd say. I am caught in the middle of things I cannot control and I don't like it. I don't like being this weak. The Judgment Day will come no matter what; I know that, even though John keeps saying otherwise. I know he just wants to calm me down but we both know we can't stop it from happening. We did that once but they'll find a way. I'm supposed to be this strong and independent soldier, second in command, but how the hell am I able to do my job then, if even this is too much for me to handle?

_Great Kate, self-pity is good way to go._

"Kate, sweetie, you ok?" A knock on the door and John's worried voice brings me back from my thoughts with a startle. Clearing my throat I pick up the pregnancy test as fast as I can and cram it back to its package, hiding it behind my back as if he was able to see through the door. Wouldn't surprise me actually, sometimes it seems there's nothing he can't do.

"Yes, I'm alright hon. I'll be there in a minute."

"Are you sure? 'Cause if you're not feeling well we can stay home ya know."

"Stay home?" I frown, inhaling sharply. Damnit, what the hell have I forgotten this time? "W-where are we going?"

"We were supposed to go see your father, remember? The fancy dinner party where he was gonna introduce his girlfriend to us?"

Oh great, I feel like banging my head against the mirror a couple of times. Poking the toothbrush into my eye would also do the trick… How on Earth could I have forgotten? Closing my eyes, I let out the breath I didn't know I had been holding.

"Right. Right" I repeat a few times and open my eyes again, massaging my temples with my free hand. What is wrong with me? I've been getting more and more absentminded, even before I found out that I'm pregnant!

"You know we could always rent a movie, order food; have a nice quiet evening by ourselves…" I know that tone and hearing it makes me smile weakly. Oh yes, I've heard that suggestive tone millions of times before, and hey, that's exactly what got me into this situation… but…

"No John, don't be silly" I say trying to sound amused. "Dad really wants us to meet this new love of his life. We'll go. I'll just get changed." I wonder if he noticed how my voice trembled a little bit as I spoke.

"Sure, whatever you say. Well, I'll be downstairs then." Guess he did, I can hear it in his voice really – the soft facile tone tells it. He's worried, but more than that, he feels deep frustration because he doesn't know what's bothering me or how to help me get over that something. How could he when even I don't know?

Last time he mentioned me being absentminded all the time I just shook my head smiling, denying it playfully. I said that I'm ok and there's no reason why he should worry about me. "Don't worry about me" I said and added: "I'm ok, really." Naturally, he didn't quite believe me at the time, but kept saying I looked like I'd had the weight of the world on my shoulders. Of course, he made a remark that technically it is his job to worry over meaningless stuff, and that I should focus on the present and myself. It's kinda hard to do that when you know what I know; when you know what the future will be like – I often wonder if that's why he's always brooding; always seems to be in another world thousands of kilometres away from me. Guess it is. This all must be a lot harder for him so it's no wonder he tends to space out every now and then. Maybe he's planning the future-war, I don't know but sometimes I wish he'd be the one focusing more on the present – on me. Selfish, I know, but I can't help it.

Slowly I breathe out and take a look around the room before I put the pregnancy test down again and step inside the shower cabinet to put the shower on. As I take off my clothes I can't do anything but think of him. I wait for a moment before I step under the warm water hoping that it'd wash away all the pain and suffering; all the sorrow and doubts.

Why am I even being sad? I have a husband who loves me, and I know I'm gonna do something big in the future. Maybe that's why. I know what will happen and though John keeps telling me not to think of it too much, I can't stop. Dreams – they're hunting me - I see dreams, well, nightmares of the Judgment Day and trust me, they ain't pretty. People yelling out in pain, burning… dying.

No matter how I look at our current situation, it only brings me back to the conclusion that this is no time for us to go and start a family - we still kind of live, as he puts it "off the grid" – for one we don't have any real friends and the ones we have don't know our story – it truly feels like we've been ripped apart from the rest of the world. Don't get me wrong, I do love him, but sometimes I wish it all had happened to someone else. This is not how I planned to live my life. Regretting however makes me feel guilty.

_Quit the self-pity already!_

Finally I force myself to turn off the water and step out of the warm cabinet after which I'm forced to gather up not only my clothes, but my thoughts as well. Unwillingly I pick up the pregnancy test, though I have no idea where to hide it. Of course I could always put it into the bathroom's trash bin, but I've watched too many movies and soap operas to make that mistake. Someone always finds it no matter what – can't risk it. So I go with the second best idea I have – I grab my purse I left on the floor earlier and tuck the package in there, hoping that John doesn't find it. What else can I do? I need to sort out my thoughts and feelings before I can even consider telling him. With a deep sigh I open the bathroom's door noticing the light green evening dress John left on his side of our bed. Yeah, always taking care of me one way or another.

After that, it doesn't take more than 30 minutes before I'm ready to go.

* * *

_"Excuse-me Miss, are you alright?"_

I am being spoken at, aren't I? Yes I am – that is the first thing I realise after I regain my conscious. Wait a minute - regain my conscious? Now that's weird, did I really faint? I never faint!

Where am I anyway? Why do my eyes hurt? Why am I so cold? Is that a wind I feel? It takes a moment to put together all the shattered pieces floating around my mind before I remember everything - or anything.

"Excuse-me, are you alright? Miss?"

My eyes blink open as I hear the voice again. Holy shit, did I really do it? Only now, under the worried eyes of an old woman, I notice that I'm not only lying on the ground but, I'm also completely naked and without a piece of clothing to cover myself up. No wonder she looks so horrified really. Automatically I sit up, pull my knees against my chest and fold my arms on top of them. I take a quick look around us to secure the area but it makes me feel weird, not secured – I'm here again. Like I'd be reliving my childhood or seeing one of those vivid dreams once again. No dead bodies, no machines with guns running after me, no one shooting at me – no smell of death lingering in the air. What is that smell anyway? Perfume? Oh yes, the old lady.

"What year is it?" I ask – don't have time to tumble upon the fact I'm naked – mission comes first, naturally.

"What?" She stares at me not quite believing her ears I suppose; can't blame her; I would if I were her. But I'm not.

"What year is it?" I repeat my question a little bit louder and clearer. The question seems to make the woman uncomfortable - like she doesn't want to answer. Then again, she does look rather confused too, almost as if she didn't understand my question it the first place. Well, she probably didn't. No woman in her right mind would sit on dirty, not to mention cold asphalt, naked and wondering bout the year. Oh well, maybe she's starting to realise I'm not in my senses?

"Darling-" her accent tells me she's from South – "I don't think that's important right now." Not important? I fight the urge to laugh, for I know she would probably just be offended by it. This, I believe, is the most important thing I've ever done; but it's not like I could tell her that, it's not her time to find out. Besides, she could be dead before it happens anyway, right? Oh yes, being positive has always been my thing.

"Lady if you only knew" I finally say and she looks at me frowning - again. "We… What we must do is call 911 and call the police. Do you know who did this to you darling?" Now it's my time to frown.

"What? Police? No!"

"But darling-"

"No" I interrupt her but with much calmer, friendlier voice than just a second ago. No use yelling and pouting when someone's only trying to help you, which she obviously is. "Please, all I need is some… some clothes, that's all." My voice is appealing, almost as appealing as my eyes and I can see her bending slowly. "Please, I can't explain what's happened to me but I can assure you, it's all ok. I've done nothing wrong and no one has harmed me."

"Alright."

Silence lands upon us giving me a moment to try to think of something to say, but it turns out I don't have to think for long – she's the one to speak first.

"I live nearby and I have daughter about your size."

Immediately I understand she's willing and also able to help me without questioning me more. The sigh of relief escapes my lips while I smile gratefully. After I take one final look around the surroundings I get up which makes her take off her own jacket and offer it to me. Gladly I accept it; I was feeling a bit chilly anyway. "Thank you Mrs..."

"Please dear, call me Gloria."

"Thank you Gloria."

She smiles but this time the smile is warm not hesitating. "Come, we better go."

No arguments can be heard – I simply follow. Fact is there's no way I can run around the city looking for Robert Brewster naked, is there? Being arrested by police is something that my plan does not involve._ Yet anyway._

* * *

**_A/N: _**_Should I say To Be Continued now? Mwuwhahaha, TBC ;) Nothing fun happened yet but we'll get to that part soon, I promise ) _


	3. Chapter 2

Title: Questioning Fate

Author: Syrai

Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language)

Genre: Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

Pairings: Kate/John/New character triangle

Status: WIP

Summary: Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N #1: **Forsaken was the one who gave me this "I want to write though it's 1am and I have school tomorrow" – feeling. Anyways, feel free to give me feedback since it's the thing that makes author actually wanna write ;) Knowing there's someone actually reading works wonders me thinks. I could go evil and not update till I get reviews but frankly, I think that's just pathetic :rolls eyes: Thanks for **ravingjackal** who betaed this chapter!!

* * *

2

now that we're here,  
it's so far away  
all the struggle we thought was in vain  
all the mistakes,  
one life contained  
they all finally start to go away  
now that we're here its so far away  
and I feel like I can face the day I can forgive  
and I'm not ashamed to be the person that I am today

* * *

Mahatma Gandhi once said: 'Be the change you want to see in the world.' I guess that has always been my motto of some kind. Like right now I'm trying my best to live by his words, but it's too damn hard when you don't really know what you should do and how exactly you should do it. Then again, truth to be told I do know what my purpose here is; why I'm here and for what I'm aiming at, but the real problem is I'm not sure how to achieve my goal. Or, if I truly want to achieve it. Death is not what I'm afraid of, I'm as good as dead already, but losing him scares the shit out of me. Of course I guess I should first ask if he ever was mine to lose. Tough one. 

It doesn't matter anymore. Long time ago I finally realized that when there's nothing else left, will is what keeps your heart beating and forces you forward. Not the love you receive and certainly not the love you give – power of will. It's because of that specific will that I'm driving around the city with a stolen car - BMW to be exact - trying to remember everything John ever told me which actually isn't that difficult. Every word he ever said seems to be painted in my mind and soul; all I gotta do is find the right memory along with the right words. I need to get my act together before I can jump into the action so that I can succeed. 'Good soldier is always prepared' – John taught that to all of us. Always be prepared. Oh well, at least he taught us well, maybe that'll keep me alive if nothing else does.

So that's why I'm going around the city in circles, browsing through my memory step by step. The bits I remember bring me automatically into the conclusion that I should find Kate's father, a man called Robert Brewster. But even the thought of meeting that legendary man makes me want go back to where I came from. According to John, he was the one who almost activated Skynet at the first time; the one who was about to open Pandora's Box and because of that, I'm not sure I wanna meet him. I'm afraid I'd only end up kicking his ass even though he never had the time to actually activate Skynet; yet he remains a part of the reason why I lost everything I ever hold dear. That much I know when it comes to the reasons behind the war, everything else is a bit blurry. None of us knows exactly what happened, not even John, which is not only worrying but scary too. As Sarah said, there's nothing her father doesn't know – at least there shouldn't be.

_Focus Robin, focus!_

Damnit, my mind is dwelling upon facts I don't have time to be thinking of! I shake my head trying to force those meaningless details out of my consciousness but I can't escape my random thoughts. There's too much on my mind right now. I've never been good with holding back my emotions - I'm not a machine. Suddenly, I need to stop the car and close my eyes for a moment so I pull over taking a deep breath. Where am I? One look around tells me I'm in front of some sort of movie theatre – still in Los Angeles of course.

"Idiot."

I never understood why John decided to stay here – it's so easy for anyone, especially for a Terminator to find him. He tried to explain me once but I couldn't hear any of the words he spoke, apart from the whole Kate-part I mean. He had stayed here with Kate and of course, for Kate that much I heard. "Idiot", I say again but not because of with whom he stayed but because why he stayed.

I never understood why John decided to stay here – it's so easy for anyone, especially for a Terminator to find him. He tried to explain to me once but I couldn't hear any of the words he spoke, apart from the whole Kate-part I mean. He had stayed here with Kate and of course, for Kate that much I heard. "Idiot", I say again but not because of with whom he stayed but because why he stayed.

I know I should just let it go, I shouldn't have these kinds of feelings towards Kate – I shouldn't hate her over things she cannot control; over things she hasn't even done yet but I do. Most of all I hate her for dying like that and leaving John and the kids alone. She was the reason why he stayed, so that she could be close to her family. If it had been me, I would've given up everything to keep him safe and I wouldn't have chosen to stay and be the bait. The fact that nothing happened to them doesn't change the fact that something could've happened. My blood is boiling, I can feel it rushing through my body from head to toe and I squeeze the wheel with all my power. He should've moved far away from this place; he should've cut all his old contacts and he should've bloody hell known better! Of course, I'm in no position to tell it to his face. I never was and never will be. I don't know for sure what his life was like, all I know is what he told me.

Though, I must say I did tell him what I thought once, don't know what came over me. I was mad at everyone that day and when he came to me and tried to cheer me up, I took it out on him. Told him how stupid he was for staying here jeopardizing his life along with the whole future. Told him how stupid he is if he thinks the war will ever see an end. He did smack some sense into me; not literally though. He grabbed my arms, forced me to stay still and said with that deep, electric voice of his that the great John Connor stayed in Los Angeles and survived, I should be grateful, he added which made me wanna try and punch his side. I tried actually, but he pushed me away before my fist actually connected with his ribs. Bastard. Fine, yeah, I should be grateful. But I'm not. I'm angry at him for risking his future like that – risking ours. And what am I doing now? Putting our future together in line. Irony of life I'd say.

_Focus damnit!_

I close my eyes and take another deep breath trying to focus again. I'm not cold anymore but the feeling of warmth these clothes brought is slowly starting to vanish… It feels so weird to wear clean jeans and warm suede jacket over a white t-shirt. They smell clean too; clean clothes are heaven on earth… _Clothes_… **Gloria.** She was nice to me. Didn't ask a single question expect for whether I believe in God or not - and she did let me eat and use her shower too. Not to mention she also gave me these though they belonged to her daughter, Kelly. She said _Kelly _wouldn't mind at all which made me wonder. As always my curiosity got the better of me and I asked where she was, this daughter of hers but she couldn't tell for sure. What I got was a sad sigh, shrug and short explanation: she had been seduced by the dark side – drugs. I didn't comment on her words anyway, just said I'm sorry to hear that. She thanked me and we changed the subject.

The urge to give a disappointed laugh is too much – I snort out loud. She's probably gonna die soon – I doubt she'll be one of the survivors you know, which is unfortunate cause she's exactly the kind of spirit we'd need. Strong, capable and damn independent - Perhaps a bit too old for the Resistance but nevertheless. Then again, is there such thing as too old when it comes to this war?

If I could only stop it, I could be the change this world needs…

_Robert._ I need to find Robert Brewster if I want something to actually happen – or rather, not to happen.

After I finally get a grip I start the car again.

This day could not be any worse now could it? No - One can only take so much crap for one day and for now I'm starting to be full of it. First the whole issue with the baby, though of course I had suspected that for few days at least. Then this. The minute I saw her with my father I knew she'd break his heart, eventually. I know the type: young, hot, a thousand dollar smile and extremely expensive taste. This is something I never saw coming. The way he spoke of her made me believe she was some gentle woman on her 40s but I obviously thought wrong. No wonder he didn't introduce her earlier. How old was she again? Only few years older than me? For crying out loud what is wrong with my father? Does he not realize this woman he claims to be, the new bright love of his life, is just using him! He might be good-looking for his age but this is not possible – 'they' are not possible! Just look at her! My mind is screaming and I want to hit the wall next to me to gain their attention. The way she smiles to him, wraps her arms around his neck makes me sick and, oh God, I don't even want to know what she's saying to him! All I want is her to get her dirty hands away from my father and choke on her food. Oh, and what about that miniskirt? Could it be any shorter? Honestly, could she wear any less?

_Argh._

A frown wrinkles my forehead. Damnit. Maybe I should just calm down and let my father take care of himself? Of course. I know I should but I can't just close my eyes and pretend she isn't there.

"Come on hon, those icy stares ain't making any difference here," John says sounding amused. How dare he look at me like that not to mention smiling like that. He's obviously not realizing how serious the situation is if he thinks there's something funny in it. "Just look at her!" I say through gritted teeth and he glances over his shoulder. "Yeah, so? Hate to break this to you but I've seen females before."

"Are you trying to get slapped?"

"I dunno, am I?" He answers my question with a question, which he knows to be one of those things that annoys me. Man, why is everything so damn difficult today? "I think you are."

Even though I still haven't taken my eyes off of my father, I notice how John's face suddenly becomes serious. I'm obviously getting on his nerves which is no wonder; I'm getting on my own nerves as well.

"Kate, what's your problem this time?" He asks observing my expressions to get some kind of hint of what's going on in my mind. To prevent him of getting that, I look away but before I know it he grabs my chin gently forcing me to look at him.

"Kate?" His voice is not only questioning but demanding too. Surely, these are the moments when the future John Connor peaks out and I get a glimpse of what he'll be like. Whether I like what I see is a whole different story to tell.

"What'd ya think?" I snarl throwing a death glare over his shoulder. My reaction seems to make him amused again because his eyes are sparkling with laughter and his lips twist into knowing smile. "Hmm, the young hot blonde in your father's arms?"

"Yeah", I reply with malicious voice which I hope would shut him up or at least get him to change the tone. My icy tone however doesn't seem to bother him. "Give it a rest honey."

_Give it a rest? _

"The **hell** I will."

I can see John's not happy with the reaction he received a second ago but I don't care, too tired to care. What am I supposed to do? Let that woman eat my father alive? I don't know if he was waiting for me to nod in agreement and bow my head down or something but he's not getting his way with this one.

"Look, your father is old enough to take care of himself. He doesn't need you to baby-sit him nor does he have to ask your permission to date. And she's obviously making him happy which is something he should be. After all, this shit he deserves that, don't you think?"

"Yeah, he should be happy but Christ, John, not with the last year's prom queen."

The answer he gets makes him shake his head accepting the fact there's no way he can make me like her. I don't miss my mother that much or anything but I just simply don't like her. "Okay maybe we should say goodnight and just go home? You're giving me a headache with this whining."

I don't make any witty remark even though I sure want to. _Whining?_ I can feel my eyes narrowing dangerously. For that he's going to sleep on the couch at least two nights starting today!

"So, we gonna go?" He asks and I just nod. Nothing else I can do at the moment - I love my father but I can't stand the idea of staying here with those two. I try to calm down by telling myself this is just some phase father's going through. He'll get over it and realize how ridiculous it is for him to date a woman who's just passed her teenage years. She's not in fact a woman, she is a girl!

I let John push me slowly towards my father and the closer we get the more I try to smile. I hear the words John says but they refuse to register into my mind. Something about me not feeling so well and early morning.

"You alright dear?" Dad looks at me worriedly. "Yeah, I'm fine – just a little headache that's all." I hate to lie to him and I've never been good in it either. He looks at me again but this time I can see a glimpse of doubt in his eyes. He knows something's wrong. "Well, too bad", I hear the girly voice saying. For crying out loud, don't pretend you're not happy to get rid of me. I don't like you and you must know it.

"Yes, it was nice to meet you finally." _Oh please_. Those words were forced out of my mouth and they sound a bit colder than I meant to for which I'm sorry, actually. For my father's sake. I hug my father tightly without saying a word, hoping the smile would make him forget his doubts and after that, I shake her hand giving her a polite smile. That's the least I can do, I suppose.

"We'll get together some other time, surely, won't we?" she asks trying to sound more British than what she actually is and even though I feel the unbearable desire to grab her shoulders and throw her against the wall I just smile nodding. "Yeah, of course." I can't understand how a person I've met just three, four hours ago can bring the worst out in me. I'm not a violent person. I'm social yes, a bit sarcastic too and stubborn but what I'm not, is violent. Only when it comes to machines.

The minute I sit into the car I remember the baby again. As if she – Elizabeth, _Ellie _Ridley, the name of my nightmare, wouldn't be enough for one day. God, I feel like my head is going to explode if I think another thought. With all the stuff going on, the future war I know will happen though John tries so hard to calm me down, I can't have this baby. I can't. That's decided then. If John wasn't sitting next to me, I'd cry my eyes out but instead I bite my lip as hard as I can to prevent the tears running down my cheeks.

"So ya want to tell me what the hell was that all about?"

I snap out of my thoughts as I hear the words but I don't turn to look at him. I keep staring through the window trying to swallow the tears because if I start talking like this, I'll cry no doubt.

Raindrops. I hadn't notice it was raining.

"Kate?" his demanding voice interrupts my thoughts again and this time I glance at him.

"What?" I finally reply – I can see his jaw tensing.

"I asked you something."

"Oh, did you?" Obviously, I'm pushing him towards the edge by every word I say but I can't help it. I'm tired and pissed off, not to mention sad because of the decision I _had_ to make. If I had waited another day my decision would've been a lot harder to make because deep down in me, I know I'm doing wrong. I should talk to him first but I know what he'd say and I can't go through that.

"Yeah I did. Don't play with me Brewster - What was the scene back at your father's?"

"Excuse-me!" I let out a shriek fidgeting on my seat. "I didn't make any scene. I was being really polite in case you didn't notice."

"I'm serious." Yeah, I know he is. The tone of his voice tells it alone but I'm in no mood to give up the game. "You've been weird for days and I'd like to know what's going on."

Sure you would. "Nothing!"

"I don't believe you Kate."

"I don't need you to believe me." My own words hit the air out of my lungs. It's a lie and we both know it. I need him, more than anything in the world and I think he feels the same about me. Whatever made me actually say those words out loud, I don't know. The feeling of wanting to hurt him, to make him feel as bad as I do I guess. But I love him, how can I do this to a person I love? Ellie Ridley, I blame her.

"Then what'd you need me for?" The question spoken with almost casual voice makes me shiver and I answer even before I notice it. "Honestly John, I don't know anymore." To that, he doesn't say anything. What's there to say really? I can see how his hands squeeze the wheel and suddenly, I feel like wanting to take it all back. I didn't mean it, really, I didn't. "Look honey", I start trying to ease the situation. "I love you, I probably always will but this all – it's too much, it's killing me."

He doesn't even glance at me when he speaks again and the cold tone he uses makes my shoulders collapse. "The war you mean."

"Yeah." This time my answer is not playful and challenging. "Look, I've told you, we can stop it."

If things weren't as they are, I would laugh. Though he's supposed to be some sort of leader he sure can act like a naïve little boy from time to time. Whether he says it because he truly believes it or just to make me calmer is entirely another matter. Oh yeah, he keeps saying that but he can't be sure. "That's what you've said for two years", I say. "As you know we can postpone it sure, we've been there but eventually it'll happen. Two years from now, ten years from now – who gives a damn? It'll happen."

"And?" He questions but I don't know what he expects me to answer. "You aren't gonna be any safer no matter with whom you are."

"I know that. But I can't help wondering what our life would be…" Before I can even complete my sentence he starts to speak again.

"-That's just it Kate, there wouldn't be 'our life' if we hadn't met."

I sigh. "Naturally but what I meant is that if you weren't the one who's supposed to lead the Resistance, our lives could be so different. We could have normal life and children"- my heart skips a beat – "without having to teach them how to fight from the day they are born. Without having to tell them all those horror stories you've told me."

"Yeah, I wish that too but you know it's not possible."

Exactly my point. "And that's the problem here."

"It's gonna be alright, trust me." Isn't that what they always say? And then they live happily ever after?

He turns to look at me and I can't help but smile. I mean how could you not to smile when those eyes look into your eyes? Every vibrate of your being feels loved and wanted… and the only thing shadowing your happiness are your own lies. I feel the look in my eyes grow sad and I turn to look at the road in front of us before he does to prevent him from seeing it. The yell comes out of my mouth before I even realize what's happening.

**"John, look out!!"**

* * *

**A/N # 2:** The song I used is Staind's "so far away" :) (The band happens to be one of my ultimate favs) - My grams always say "the slower the better" – Mwuahaha. Just thought I'd share that lil thing with you all, maybe that'll explain why the story is for now kinda… slow. Err. I'm also trying to fight the desire to make Kate a total idiot cause unlike you might think, I actually DO like Kate… :rolls eyes: Bashing characters just comes so naturally even though I hate it. :sigh: 


	4. Chapter 3

Title: Questioning Fate

Author: Syrai

Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language - lots of f-words :rolls eyes:)

Genre: Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

Pairings: Kate/John/New character triangle

Status: WIP

Summary: Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N # 1: **Again, totally Forsaken's fault. Wow. I think this chapter is gonna be long for which I'm sorry and.. not. Kinda. Er. Anyway. :pouts:

**A/N # 2: **Thank yous go to **ravingjackal** who betaed this chapter!

* * *

**3**

I still remember the world  
From the eyes of a child  
Slowly those feelings  
Were clouded by what I know now

Where has my heart gone  
An uneven trade for the real world  
I want to go back to  
Believing in everything and knowing nothing at all

I still remember the sun  
Always warm on my back  
Somehow it seems colder now

* * *

_Damnit.__ Damnit. Damnit._

I take a deep breath before closing my eyes again and burying my face back to my hands wishing it would all just go away. Disappear. Wishing that I would suddenly wake up and realize it was just a new type of nightmare and nothing more. I see those a lot anyway so it wouldn't be anything new, now would it? Hell no. But I know it's not a dream. This thing we're going through, it's really happening. This is really _fucking_ happening.

Both the reason we're here and that we're here at all, sucks from my point of view. This evening was not supposed to end like this.

The uncomfortable hospital chair under me makes a nasty creaking sound as I move trying to look for a better position to sit in. I drop my elbows down to lean against my legs for support and though the new position makes my back itch painfully, I ignore it coldly - I don't let something that meaningless bother me right now. I have bigger issues to worry about after all. _God this sucks._

I glance at the clock on the white wall. It has been already an hour or so since we arrived to the hospital but I'm still shaking like crazy. The whole incident keeps repeating itself in front of my eyes over and over again like an old colorless movie which naturally doesn't help. It's only making me feel worse. The car came from nowhere, damnit! There's no way in hell I could've seen it, right? Not even _if_ I had been looking at the road instead of Kate…

"Shit."

Not only is a young unconscious woman lying in the hospital 'cause of me, I know I'll have to answer _their_ questions soon which automatically means danger. This is what I always tried to avoid for crying out loud! I pretend that maybe they aren't coming; maybe they're too busy or maybe no one has called them to let them know about the accident… but yet deep down I know better. The cops _will_ come, they always do - sooner or later they'll bust through that door like they'd owned the place and ask me all kind of questions, which I'm not too keen on answering. Like my name for example and my home address. I simply can't answer any of those questions they'll have in store. I could lie of course but they'd find it out eventually – or I could refuse to tell them anything… They'd probably want me to go the station to answer their questions in that case and as said that is something I simply can't do. I could easily avoid it all by leaving but I can't leave, not now. Either way, I lose.

The hallway is almost empty -only a group of young guys standing nearby the chairs- so I hear the footsteps easily.

"She's gonna be fine."

Slowly I raise my head to look at the speaker in front of me though I know it to be Kate even without looking. Of course I do, she's my wife – I'd recognize that smell and that voice even if I was blind and buried. Well not maybe if I was buried but I'm sure my point was pretty obvious.

"Yeah I know" I finally reply accepting the warm mug of coffee she offers to me and try to smile. "The doctor said so but…" I roll my eyes not finishing the sentence but as usual, she doesn't let me get away with it. I drink the coffee with one gulp.

"But?" She raises an eyebrow and I shrug not knowing what to say. "I dunno… I mean…" I don't know what to say mostly because I'm not sure what I was even thinking and so I change the subject quickly. Smooth. "She should wake up soon, shouldn't she?" I ask. "Though, she could use some rest I guess."

"Yeah", she confirms my words and seats down on the chair next to me. Before I say anything else she wraps her arms around me and I let my head fall against her shoulder. I don't cry, I haven't cried for a long time but instead I close my eyes and breathe in her scent trying to forget why I'm there. For few minutes we just sit there, Kate holding me in her arms like a lover should and probably trying to think something to say – to make me feel better. Nothing comes to her mind I guess but I don't mind. I don't want her to try and cheer me up anyway.

"She's gonna be back on her feet by tomorrow… so why don't we just go home?"

For a minute I'm not sure if I heard right so I pull back to stare into her eyes – to look for an answer of some kind. However her eyes give no hint of what she's thinking which leaves me standing on, well, pretty much on nothing as usual. Damn, she's gotten good in hiding her feelings like this. I'm so tired of it. Every time I try to read her or reconnect with her, she pulls away form me like I'd be a disease and I'm not sure why. At first it didn't bother me because I'm used to having a lot of space and time for myself and lots of secrets too but after a year of marriage it makes you wonder. Has she stopped loving me?

"Can we?" She asks with a pleading voice pulling me back into the reality.

"Go home?" I frown.

"Well, we did what we were supposed to" she says looking awkward and her voice is a bit shaky - insecure. Why? "We brought her here and that's really all we can do."

I know she's right, there's nothing more we can do but yet I can't just go and leave her there alone. I'm the reason she is here so the least I can do is to make sure she gets better.

"We can't just leave her."

The disappointment is all over her face and I feel even guiltier if that's possible, just for making her feel that way. "I'm sure she's got IDs and they'll contact her family in no time. They won't tell us much anyway since we're not family so what's the point, John?" Her explanation is spoken with a calm voice and before she continues she takes a look around to make sure no one is listening. Being cautious is what we do best, I suppose.

"We can't stay here John, they're gonna come. They're gonna come and ask questions and we can't answer them - ya know it as well as I do. We couldn't even give the doc our real names. I doubt it's gonna be any different when it comes to them."

She's always been good when it comes to reading my mind, I guess. I shake my head laughing shortly. In two years the naïve Katherine Brewster has turned into this intelligent and beautiful woman who certainly knows how to play with me – or perhaps she doesn't know it but she just does so by accident. It wouldn't amaze me really.

"I know. Trust me I know but damn _Kate_, I'm not leaving that girl here all by herself. I dun even know her name yet." My reply is obviously the one she didn't want to hear so I try to soften my words up a bit. Why? I don't know. "I'll leave when her family comes, ok? I just gotta make sure she's alright."

"John," she starts and tilts her head looking at me knowingly. "I love you for that, really, and it's natural you feel guilty for what happened. I mean, I do too but believe me when I say we gotta go. You of all people should know this ain't safe."

"Fine. You go" I say finally shrugging. I'm too tired to fight with her right now. My back falls against the back of the chair and I fold my arms trying to send her a message saying I'm serious – for I am. Really.

"I won't leave you" she says after a moment of silence. I glance at her from the corner of my eye. She looks tired and defeated and the dress she's wearing isn't looking that glamorous anymore. She slowly breathes out and pushes her hair behind her ear from shadowing her face.

"You should go and get changed."

"Nah, I'm fine."

So, the answer I got wasn't the one I thought I'd hear but fine, works with me. Though I'd be a lot happier if I she was somewhere safe – anywhere else than here that is. Maybe I should call her father and ask him to come and pick her up to take her somewhere safe? For that she'd probably kill me with a kitchen knife. Whatever it is she holds against this girlfriend of Robert's worries me – she's never been the kind of person to judge someone like that, not even when it comes to age.

Oh well, guess the knowledge of future war has done it's thing then. Ignorance truly is the bliss as the say.

"I won't leave you." She says again but I get the feeling she's more like trying to convince herself than me.

"Then you better sit down on your ass."

"I – I am." She frowns – if I wasn't feeling the way I do, I would let a little smile twist my lips mainly because of how confused she looks. Now I don't.

"It was an expression, Kate."

"Oh."

She looks away without saying anything. I do the same.

* * *

_I run._

I run faster than I've ever ran cause I know it's there, chasing me, trying to catch me – waiting for me to do a one little mistake and fail. People make mistakes when they're nervous, it knows that. I run because I want to save the life of the child I'm holding in my arms for she's an innocent and doesn't deserve to be killed like this, not now and not by **it**. I run because I'm sure I can do it, save her and that I'm strong enough. I run because I don't want to die and I run because I have no other choice.

So I keep running.

I have the strongest feeling of déjà vu that I've ever felt.

The building I run into looks like it could fall down on me any minute but I can't let that stop me now; besides, it brings our headquarters to my mind giving me some sort of power to keep moving. I **need** to keep moving for if I stop, even for a minute it'll find me even faster and I can't let it do that. The child is depending on me and I have to protect her.

Then, suddenly, I'm not alone with the baby anymore. I feel it in my bones and I hear it too – I freeze though I know I should keep moving forward. Something is holding me back, preventing me from running – stopping my breathing. I shiver. Fear perhaps.

Before I can pull myself together I'm being pushed and I fall down on my knees. I feel something metallic cut a wound to my knee causing suffocated whimper escape my mouth but the pain gets forgotten very quickly as the fear of death comes back. Fear is probably the only thing stopping me from turning my head around to see who or what exactly it is that's going to end my days for good. I know this is going to be it, there's no way a _machine_ could let me live because of everything I've done and that's fine; I rather die than be their slave anyway but the future of the child is what worries me. As cruel as it sounds, I wish it'll just kill us both as quickly as possible so that neither one of us is forced to be their slave.

She cries but I can't say or do anything to make her go back to sleep.

Pain. I don't hear gunshots or anything like it but instead I feel a sharp pain like an electric shock cut through my whole body and something warm and wet hits my face. I can smell it – Blood. It's blood. The crying has stopped and even before my eyes reach the child in my arms, I know there's nothing I can do anymore. Those lifeless eyes are open as if she'd still be looking at me, maybe she is. Lifeless eyes accusing me, telling me I wasn't able to protect her. I gasp for air but yet I can't breathe.

That's the moment I truly realize what's happened. She's dead. She's dead because of a bullet or laser or whatever the thing was that shot through me. How it happened doesn't change the fact it did.

_Dizzy._ I can't feel the pain anymore, instead I feel so dizzy that I think I'm going to faint. The willpower only keeps me awake for few more minutes. There's something I need to get out before I can let that fucking machine kill me.

"You fucking bastard," I say over and over again. "You fucking bastard."

It doesn't move. It doesn't say anything. I can't even see it. But I know it's there, it stands behind my back simply waiting for me to collapse, waiting for me to give up and die. Well, screw you too.

"You killed her! You… killed… Joy."

My breathing gets heavy and irrational and no matter how I try to breathe in, the air is not reaching my lungs. It gets stuck somewhere in the half way of my throat.

_"You... fucking…bastard!"_

* * *

"Wake up, **hey**, wake up." 

Fine, damnit, I'm awake!

"Hello?"

For crying out loud I'm awake ok? What's it with people talking to me when I'm half conscious? I swear to God if Sarah's in trouble again, I'll cry out of frustration. I turn my head to look at whomever is speaking to me but when I see familiar eyes staring at me, worriedly, the world stops for a moment and I forget what I was about to say. The anger for interrupting my sleep fades away immediately. I can only stare at the figure leaning over my bed hoping that it's not an illusion I'm seeing. I've seen too many illusions and frankly, I don't like them.

Realizing I'm finally back from the never-never-land, he backs away quickly and rubs his neck in an awkward manner. Now that's a gesture I do remember. _Figures._

"You… You were seeing a nightmare… You kept yelling and I – I... " His voice is a lot softer than usually… younger, perhaps.

_What?_ I was? I tilt my head trying to remember what the dream I just saw was about. Joy… Oh yes, I really was seeing a nightmare then. It's all so messed up in my head, so foggy. Where am I anyway? What am I doing here? Why the hell am I here? Why's he standing there looking at me like that? Have I missed something here?

"I'm sorry," he says before I have time to ask anything at all. "You probably don't want strangers to be here right now but I'm just so sorry for what happened. The doctor said I could see you, later though, maybe he realized I wasn't going to leave before I did… I mean…" He tries to explain. He's nervous. I can hear it shimmering through his voice. And… the way he looks at me gives me creeps - What's with the look, seriously? It's like he didn't know me…

"What am I doing here?" I ask trying to sit up but my body's feeling too weak to let me do that.

"So? What am I doing here?" I ask again when he doesn't answer. I want to arrange my thoughts - nothing makes sense at all. There's complete disorder inside my head at the moment which freaks me out. All kind of thoughts floating around but I can't grab any of them. And the pain – God, only now I realize how bad the headache I'm having is.

"You dun remember the accident, do ya?" he asks raising an eyebrow and looking extremely confused.

"Accident? What goddamn accident?" My voice is a bit sharper than I meant it to be but he doesn't seem to pay any attention to it.

"We got into a car accident few hours ago or so. Apparently you just hit your head and lost your conscious. Nothing serious… though you got me pretty worried for a moment there. I dunno for sure what happened to you 'cause they dun really tell me – since I'm not family and so on. I sneaked in actually…"

What the hell is he saying?

"You had no IDs with you so they didn't know who to contact. Expect the, well, the… the police are here. They've been wanting to ask me questions but I'm really not in the mood so my wife, Kate, is taking care of them…"

He's rambling which makes me amused because, well, John Connor never really rambles. He just seems so very different…Wait a sec, the police? And why did he mention Kate? Kate's dead… Unless…

Then it all hits me like a lightning from bright blue sky. Kate's alive? If Kate's alive it's because… because I'm not in the year 2016 anymore, am I? No. I almost want to laugh because of my own stupidity. Of course he seems younger, he _is_ younger. You're such a fool Robin, I think. **Get over it right this minute.**

"So you feeling ok?"

"John, when have I not been feeling ok?"

Oh shit, did I say it out loud? Well, the expression on his face tells me pretty clearly that I did. Great, just great. He looks confused and a more than little scared too which is weird because I don't remember seeing him ever scared. There's a first thing for everything, right? Man, this is the point I'd like to scream my brains out and hit my head against the wall for some kind of punishment but I'm able to control myself. I make a mental note not to slap myself as soon as I'm alone. Holy shit, this is going so wrong.

He backs off and though I feel the urge to say something, ask him not to I don't say or do anything. I just look away hoping he didn't hear me calling him by his name.

"How'd ya know my name?"

Obviously he did.

I open my mouth to say something but nothing smart comes to my mind. Nothing at all comes to my mind, actually. How on earth am I going to explain him why I know his name? How can I explain him who I am or from where I came? Sure, he's been there before – few years ago the terminator came to save his life as well as Kate's but I'm no terminator. I'm his goddamn lover.

"I… I'm sorry" I mumble swallowing. "I… I didn't... I don't."

Naturally he doesn't believe a word I say.

"I heard you say it so I ain't gonna buy that one."

His eyes are penetrating me – they've become cold and more withdrawn which makes me feel worse than uncomfortable. Unbearable. **Please don't look at me like that. **The whole body of his has tensed up remarkably and I don't have the slightest clue how to make it better. Except telling the truth though I'm not sure that'll make it any better or less difficult.

"Tell me."

If things were different, I'd be relieved to know some things just don't change. The fire in his eyes will eventually die but the demanding tone of his voice stays – he sure knows how to use it and in the future it was comforting but now, it only makes me shake. He doesn't know what kind of effect he has on me and I prefer it that way. It's a lot easier for me that way. He **doesn't** have to know.

So I force myself to sit up. After slowly letting my breath out I look up to his eyes and swallow - his eyes are locked on me but I refuse to break the eye connection and the smile appears from nowhere. Before I ask the revealing question I clear my throat. Here goes nothing. "Would you believe if I told you I'm from the future?"

He probably thinks I didn't see him flinch but I did. After all this time I've learnt how to read him – how to spot all those little messages he sends even without his own knowledge. It's amazing how the human mind works.

"Depends," he says after pulling himself together. "Should I?" Is it just me or am I hearing a hint of playfulness in his voice? That's for sure something I haven't heard too often. Interesting little fact.

"From my point view," I start, "yes you definitely should."

Unlike I thought, he shrugs and folds his arms making a gesture with his head towards me. So _this_ is the John I never truly met huh? All I got to see from the young John Connor was bits of here and there somewhere in the middle of our conversations. You know, there were moments when his old personality shined through brightly. Most of the time, it only happened when he was playing with Sarah or Reese. Naturally, in the middle of the war you don't have time to play that often but the little the kids got, they loved. And so did I, still do.

"Okay, let's see if you've got any proof."

Holy hell. If I could stop staring, I would but it feels like my eyes are glued. "John. I'm having a headache so I'd really appreciate if we could play games later. But, since I know you ain't gonna let it go… Here comes," I start bluntly. Might just as well get it said now that I started it. "Yes?"

"Well. As your mother told you when you were a kid, the machines are gonna rise and the world as we know will be destroyed because of a goddamn virus called Skynet, which by the way, is gonna get reactivated." Through the whole sentence my voice remains the same. "Want me to be a bit more specific?"

"No, I think that did it." He says glancing at his side before his eyes return to look at me again. Funny thing is he doesn't even look shocked or confused or amazed or anything like that. He just stands there looking at me and rubbing is non-existing beard probably trying to figure out what the hell I just said. Not that I'd blame him.

"Good. Now could you –"

"Wait, reactivated?" He interrupts me suddenly.

I roll my eyes. "Damnit John, we dun have time for this, really. Could you be a sweetheart and get me outta this place and ya know, ask the questions after you're somewhere safe? Shoot first, ask later." I pause and add, "Well without the shooting, anyway."

"Right… " I don't know if he's suffering from some sort of inner shock or what but it seems to be he doesn't know what do exactly. Again, another surprising fact. The John I know is always in control so it's not only fascinating but _damn_ fascinating to see him like this. Of course, I do realize my mind is pondering upon facts I really should not even think of at the moment but it's not like I can help it.

"You're sick if you think they're gonna let you out of the hospital just like that." He says bringing me back from my thoughts. I give a laugh for I know he'd never say that in the future. He might be stubborn as hell, know-it-all-type but let's face it, so am I. I want something, I go for it. No hospital is gonna keep me from my mission and that's a stone hard fact. Besides, I don't like him putting himself into danger like this and the only way to get him stop it, is to get him out of the hospital.

"I don't care." I say after a minute. "It's too dangerous for you to be here. You said it yourself – cops are here. That's bad. If they get to the part where they wanna talk to ya, well, we're both dead and I dunno bout you, but I'm gonna try and **avoid** that one. So, sweetie, we gotta go."

I bite my tongue drawing blood. _Shit._ Calling him 'a sweetie' might not be the best idea at a moment like this but luckily, he doesn't seem to notice my slip. Really didn't need him to ask questions about that one anyway so I'm grateful. Just need to learn how to shut my big mouth near him I guess. Why is it so easy for me to talk to him like this? No clue. There's just something in the air that makes me wanna compete with him, try and beat him. Gives me a sick pleasure I suppose.

"Yeah, okay, I like the way you're thinking, I do honestly but see, there's just one little flaw."

I blink at his raised eyebrow. Flaw? What _fucking_ flaw? I just want to get out of the hospital, there's no flaw in that. Get out before cops come and arrest you because of a stolen car. See, no flaw damnit.

"A flaw?" The confusion must be all over my face 'cause he laughs shortly looking extremely pleased with himself which doesn't then again please me. Damn. I've missed that laugh yeah but the arrogant smile on his face is making my blood boil. Again one of those things I know will change in the future.. hopefully. Of course, if he doesn't meet me in the future, well, it'll suck.

"Yeah a flaw." He says nodding and for a split second I feel like throwing something at him. Sure I'm used to him teasing me but not taking me seriously is a whole another thing. "Aha. And that would be?" I question to find out what brought the smile on his lips.

"Well, see, you disappear and they'll sue me for kidnapping you as they don't know you're actually awake yet. I got the impression the plan was to keep low profile instead of getting cops after me."

Oh, aren't you being clever today? Can I smack you?

"Actually, it doesn't really matter anymore, Connor."

He frowns. Oh way to go Robin, sure, why don't you tell him everything that the future has in store for him? I mentally slap myself. I can see the question in his eyes even before he asks it out loud. "What ya mean?"

"Nothing" I answer in a rush. My too quick reply makes his frown deepen but he doesn't say anything which is weird. "You're right." I say before he has time to change his mind and ask something else. "After all, we shouldn't draw more attention towards you and _Kate."_ I'm hoping my desperate try to distract him works and surprisingly, it does. Well Kate's always been his soft spot so why not use it then? I hate myself for trying to play with his mind but I don't have time for playing games with him no matter how much satisfaction they give me.

"That's what I'm thinking."

Yeah, I know. "Fine. Leave." The words come out so fast that he just stares me. "Really you can go. I'll manage alone. Your safety comes first, sure, but I do have a mission to take care of here and if I have to worry about you well that'll suck."

Well it would. I just want to find Robert Brewster and get this over and done, right? If I let him help me I'm bound to slip something out and that's against the rules. My rules. I want stop the war but certain things, I don't want to change. And being close to him isn't gonna help, I know that. I'm not stupid.

"Interesting," he utters. Isn't it? "Ya saying this mission of yours have nothing to do with me?" Yes, but hey, not the first time I lie. "No, it doesn't." How I am able to keep my face and voice so nonchalant and distant I'm not sure. Pure result of practicing maybe.

"So you're like NOT programmed to do as I say?" Christ, I was the one who hit her head not him so what's with the stupid question. "Get real Connor, I'm not some fucking terminator."

"Oh, right."

"For the head of the Human Resistance you're being pretty stupid, ya know that?" I sigh. "Anyway, I need to find Robert Brewster ok? I was on my way to see him till you decided to crash and burn my plan so, if you excuse-me, go away and let me do my job."

It hurts inside to speak like this but yet at the same time despite the mission it's damn exciting actually. He sure changed a lot over the years, I can see it clearly now and though I've always felt I'm equal with him, well, as equal as you can be with someone that special; it feels almost unbelievable to be able to outsmart him like this. To talk to him like this and get away with it. I wonder what he'd do if I got up and slapped him across the face. I doubt he'd be able to stop me.

He breaks my moment by talking again. "I see," his voice is amused though there's nothing amusing in the situation. "By now the cops should already know you were driving a stolen car and-"

"I didn't say that!" I hiss my defense and I swear his eyes sparkle like I've never seem them sparkle in my life. "Oh, so you brought it with you from the future? Through that, whatever the thing was called?"

"Time Displacement Field." I clarify. "And I didn't say that either."

"Yeah, so the cops know the car is stolen and you have no IDs whatsoever. You're screwed lady."

"Man, I've missed your optimism." I say poisonously throwing a threading glare at his direction. My voice is more than radiating but he doesn't either hear it or care. Instead of returning the glare he smiles. "Not sure how to take that one but, anyway, so I think we need a plan."

I've heard that tone so many times before that I've already lost the count. "And you believe you have just the perfect one, I'm sure."

The smile on his face grows mysterious and he quirks his left eyebrow. "As a matter of fact, I do."

* * *

**A/N # 3:** Song would be Evanescence's "Field of innocence" – Why did I use it song? Because, I guess it reminds me of Robin somehow. She's one funny character to write about though, she's so confused that you don't really know what she's gonna do next :rolls eyes: 

Ohkay, for now it looks like there's gonna be something like 10 chapters of this but who knows, it might be a lot longer or shorter :sigh: My plans never turn out like I thought anyway.


	5. Chapter 4

Title: Questioning Fate

Author: Syrai

Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language)

Genre: Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

Pairings: Kate/John/New character triangle

Status: WIP

Summary: Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

Disclaimer: Don't own the fandom. There I said it, finally. What I own is lot of rat poop (Not that I didn't love my ratties), half eaten apple (thanks for my sis) and hurting back (damn this chair) and oh Robin York, Sarah Connor (the daughter version) and Reese Connor and err.. Gloria and.. errr. Ellie. I so own them. End of discussion.

**A/N # 1: **I ran out of people to blame. Maybe my old neighbors this time? Blame them. Because of them I grew out to be like I am today. Oh and blame F. She's the reason for my twisted way of seeing things. ...dear, I'm sorry for the lack of action, we'll get there, probably – hopefully. Just don't hammer me – if you ever get around reading, I wouldn't know.

* * *

**4**

"Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results."

* * *

10. 9. 8. 7. 6. 5. 4. 3. 2. 1. 

So, I read somewhere few weeks ago that when you're feeling frustrated, just plain furious or anything like that you should count backwards from 10 and breathe slowly at the same time. They say it should release the tension and relax your body or something but I can tell you one thing: it sure ain't helping! I don't know if those writers that write this kind of bullshit in women's magazines actually believe the crap they're writing but for some odd reason I doubt that. Count from 10—1, oh please. If I want to relax I go home and take a bubble bath, drink champagne and maybe make out with John like we did when we first met each other. See, as perfect evening as it can get without fancy candle dinners and using loads of money to things we don't really need. Simple.

Speaking of John - what the hell is keeping him this long? Gosh, I like to think of myself as a person who has lots of extra patience but when you're being questioned by two over-weight and bald cops in hospital's lobby your patience resembles more like zero. Man I don't even know anymore what I've said and what I haven't; should've written everything down. I could name the notebook as "Kate's lies" – would fit. Did I say we found her on the road or did I say she was lying in a ditch somewhere near the road? Did I say we saw no one or that we saw a man running from the scene? Where did I say we found her again?

Fuck.

"So" the shorter and fatter police officer starts and I can smell his breath as he is sitting on a metallic chair opposite of mine. The chair is too small and weak and I hope it would just crash under him. I don't know what his name is, I didn't listen when he said it or if I did I just don't remember it anymore. Don't care; all I want is for John to reappear and save me from these questions. He's been with that girl way too long for my liking anyway. He should be back already. Well, unless the girl has woken up which I doubt he has no reason to be there! I need him here, now.

"You're saying-" the cop continues and my eyes automatically turn to look at the speaker again. "-that you found this _woman _you don't know and brought her here?"

"Yes." I nod burying my face into my hands for a moment. After exhaling slowly I lift my face up again trying to gather my courage, or what's left from it anyway. "Yes, that's exactly what I'm saying. Look, we found her lying on the ground, figured she needs help and brought her here like every decent human being would've done. That's really all there is to this, so what's with all the questions here? I thought we'd be thanked for what we did." I try, I gotta try. I'm not sure if they actually believe me or not but somehow his eyes tell me they're not quite satisfied.

"If you don't know her, how come you're still here?" The other cop asks making me frown. What kind of question is that?

"Well... because of my husband of course. You see my _Bob_ is really caring and a kind person and he feels obligated to stay till **you** find her family" I reply shrugging. I'm not lying am I? He's the only reason why we're here, after all. He's kind. And caring. And feels obligated.

He clears his throat changing an awkward look with the man standing next to him. "Mrs. Reed, I assure you, we're doing all we can."

"Right. I'm sure you are." I shoot a cold look at their direction letting them know what I really feel before I stand up. "Now if you excuse-me, I need to go the ladies room. It's been a rough day." Yeah, as if I didn't have enough problems of my own…

Without waiting for their reply I exit the lobby.

_John, you better hurry. _

* * *

"No" she says with steadfast voice without even so much as blinking after hearing my suggestion. Damn. The look on her face is obviously meant to make me realize she's the one in control here - that she knows something I don't, which makes _her_ the boss instead of me. No way in hell; I need to know what's going on. I need to know why she's here and more importantly; I need to know who she is. 

I pull up a chair that's been left beside the bed and sit down raking my hair with my fingers trying to remain calm. Don't want to scare her away, do I? "What you mean 'no?'"

"No" she says again shaking her head. "As in_ negative_, Connor. I'm not letting you do that. It's bad enough you met me, if I had realized you'd still bet at Robert's I wouldn't have come there just yet. Besides if you haven't forgotten that's exactly what I was thinking a minute ago but as you so kindly reminded, it doesn't work that way. You can have nothing to do with this. You and I can't leave together and I do not need you to arrange my big escape. I'm a big girl; I can take care of myself."

What did she mean by that? If she had realized I'd still be there? Had she known I was supposed to be there? What the hell is going on?

"I'm sure you do."

The questions that my mind creates as she speaks are racing through my head with speed, but I don't dare to ask any of them, hell no. I'm not sure if it's because it might put her guard on which is something I definitely don't want to happen at the moment or if I'm afraid she'd come and punch me in the face. The latter one, more likely. She seems the type who could easily do that. I'm not sure what I'm in this future of hers, a friend maybe? A superior obviously but somehow the way she speaks to me tells that even though she respects me – or the future version of me anyway, she's more than ready to question my decisions. And well, she's also probably able to kick my ass when needed, too. Not to mention willing. Definitely willing. So what's causing her behavior?

"But you were the one who asked me to help you get away from here, remember?" I remind her hastily. My words make her roll her eyes and snort out loud which frankly, gives me a little bit more courage to keep going. Maybe annoying her isn't the right way to go but that's the only path I see.

"Yeah but as I just said, I didn't however mean we should run away together and let them get onto you. You know they might not know your real name just yet, as I'm sure you didn't give your true identity away but they can easily locate you if they try hard enough. They might be stupid but they ain't that stupid. Would be suspicious if you left with me and left Kate here alone you know."

I get the feeling there's something else she'd want to say to my face but for some reason she doesn't. I frown but I let it go anyway. "Okay, so, how the hell are you gonna get out of here then without drawing attention?"

"I dunno that part yet." After saying the sentence she suddenly, for my amazement, pulls out the needles and gadgets from her arm which causes my heart to stop for a moment. When none of the machines however seem to react, I calm down frowning. Weird, maybe she wasn't connected to any of them? How the hell would I know? I don't care.

She pushes the blanket aside and gets up on two feet trying to look ok. The poorly hidden grimace on her face as she gets up is obvious though and I shake my head slightly in disbelief. She doesn't want me to see it but I can tell she's in pain – and I can also tell the pain she's feeling wasn't caused by her car crashing against the tree earlier. She's been through something far worse. Damn this girl is determined. Now, should I get up just in case she decides to faint? She's obviously still too weak to do what she's supposed to do to get out of here though I'm pretty sure she'd tell me to go to hell if I said it out loud. So I stand up and stuff my hands into the pockets of my jeans and clear my throat. I watch without saying a word how she slowly lets her eyes wander around the room. She doesn't look at me; more like trying to avoid looking at me.

"Where the hell are my clothes?"

"Try that one" I say and point the wardrobe near the bed. When she finally spots the wardrobe I'm pointing she slowly starts to walk to it. Every step she takes makes her inhale sharply and I can't help but frown. What the hell has happened to her?

"Time Displacement Field" she throws over her shoulder as if she was reading my mind. "Going through that thing was a lot worse and a lot more painful than what I expected and mixed up with a damn car accident it's even worse."

"Does it hurt?"

She lets out a laugh and turns to the wardrobe again. "You wouldn't believe even if I told. I just need a minute; it'll go away before you can say a bad word."

She opens it and all I can do is watch her go through the clothes on coat-hangers with one hand – the other is pressed by her side. To keep the pain away or to keep her standing instead of falling down? Probably both, considering the situation she's been thrown into. Damn, I can only imagine what she's been through… Which brings something else to my mind. Did I send her here? She says her so called mission has nothing to do with me but who gave her that mission? Am I the primary cause of her pain?

Without a warning she pulls the hospital robe she's wearing over her head and just when I'm about to turn to give her some privacy, I see the scars on her back and I freeze.

"Lock the fucking door" she says suddenly with crusty voice pulling on a white t-shirt. "I'm getting changed here."

I snap out of it but I don't say anything, just turn around and go to the door locking it while I'm there. I'm not sure why she wanted me to lock it since it only takes a second or two for her to pull the jeans on – not that I'd see it; I'm staring at the door trying to think of something else than the scars all over her body. Maybe she sensed my eyes on her back and wanted me to stop looking at her like that? No matter how hard I try not to think of it, the question keeps spinning around my head. How? How has she gotten them?

"So, how do we know each other?" I ask still staring the door since she hasn't given me the permission to turn around.

"We're friends."

Did I hear her tense up? "Friends?" I repeat her words to hear her reaction.

"Look, I'm one of your recruits ok? Don't ask so many questions cause I can't answer them…" she pauses "Okay I'm done."

I turn around to see she's fully clothed again. White t-shirt, jeans, jacket – dark brown, almost black hair, dark eyes, dark but not black skin – definitely some Italian in her veins and.. Wait a minute?

"Where did you get those clothes?"

"Doesn't matter." She replies quickly and tucks a curl of hair behind her ear.

Fine, she's obviously being stubborn for some unknown reason. Did I tell her not to tell anything to me? Did I order her to see Robert Brewster without my knowledge? I'm starting to get frustrated. Why won't she just tell me what's going on? What's with all the secrets? Is she trying not to change the future? I can see it in her eyes; she's hiding something from me. Is she the enemy pretending to be on my side? **What the hell is she?**

"Okay, what's your plan?"

She shrugs her shoulders casually. "I'll sneak out."

Oh great. That solves it. "In other words you have no plan."

Suddenly her body relaxes a bit; looks like she's getting her strength and energy back and when she crosses her arms over her chest defiantly I know I'm not winning. We're playing by her rules and we both know it. The game's pretty much played or at least she seems to think so.

"Look, I'm gonna be fine. I've been in much worse situations, trust me, I have."

"But…" I try to tell her I could help her but she cuts off my words with a wave of her hand before I get to that part. "No listen, Connor. I can't do my job if I have to worry about you at the same time. So please go, now." What the hell is she saying? That I should just leave her here after everything? Oh how nice of you to pop from the future into my time. Feel free to call me in case you are in the mood to chat bout stuff. Oh, like the future war, ya know. Who does she think she is?! _No way in hell._

"Answer their questions – whatever you or **Kate** has said to them, I dunno. Just stick with the story and go with the flow. And go away. See I'm gonna be just ok?" She draws out her arms as if to show me she's still in one piece, no missing body parts. The smile on her lips is more or less forced and no matter how hard she tries not to let it show, her eyes are giving away the pain. She's still not feeling well but she's not ready to admit it. _Women_.

"I'm not gonna let you go like this" I state. "I want some answers."

"Figured you would…" hint of a real smile tugs at the corner of her mouth. "And you'll get them soon" she continues blowing the air out of her lungs and adds; "Okay, how's this - we'll see tomorrow?"

Could it be that easy? I frown without realizing it at first. Would she really come to see me and tell me what I want to know? Did she realize I'm not just gonna let it go; that I _need_ to know? Or is she just trying to fool me into believing she'd answer my questions, only later.

No, I want to say. No fucking way.

"Where?"

"Anywhere." Again, the same uninterested gesture; a shrug. "Name the place."

"And you expect me to trust you?" I ask with doubt voice. "You will in the future - might as well start now, Connor" she says as she turns around. What caused her to move so suddenly and take a few steps to the window, I don't know. She slowly reaches out to touch the curtain as if she had never touched one. Before I know it she moves it just a little bit to see what's behind it. Nothing really but she looks out of the window as if she saw something else than the darkness around the lights coming from inside the high skyscrapers. Maybe she does. Maybe she sees something she hasn't seen in awhile. She does come from the future, I remind myself. It explains actually. "John I know there's nothing I can say to make you trust me right this minute" she says turning around to face me and takes a deep breathe to keep her voice in balance "but it doesn't change the fact I need you to."

I can do nothing but give up. The more I push her, the more she pulls back but at the same time I know I can't just let her go. "God you're not making this easy" I bark and she raises her hand to hide the sad smile on her lips but I see it anyway. I sigh. "Fine. I'll give you our number – call me and I'll pick you up?"

But my suggestion doesn't please her which doesn't surprise me. She only shakes her head furiously. "No, that's not safe – I-"

"We're not discussing bout this" my somewhat low voice says interrupting her words and something flashes in her eyes. "If you don't call me tomorrow I'll come and find you myself. I'll go to the police if I have to."

"You're bluffing, Connor."

Am I? I don't think I am. The confusion prevents me from answering and I just stand there, watching her. The feeling of irritation taking over my mind is something I can't explain – I just know I have to find out everything there is to find out.

"You're such an idiot Connor, you know that?" sharp tone cuts my thoughts when I don't answer. "You gonna risk everything for me?"

There's a hint of pain in her eyes, I can tell. To give my words a true meaning, I wait for a moment before I finally answer huskily. "If I have to, yeah."

She lets out a frustrated laugh tilting her head backwards before she glances out of the window into the darkness again. "Even the future you wouldn't do that and I'm not asking you to!" she says but before I have time to say anything, she continues, "You don't even know me. I can see through you John – you're bluffing. You'd never do anything to hurt Kate."

No, as weird as it is, this is where you're wrong, lady. "I'd do this. I have to know." Kate doesn't want to live her life like this anyway. What do I got to lose, really?

"Fine" she spits the word shrugging. She's obviously more than mad at me: her eyes shoot flares and her voice is fire. "Be an idiot. Gimme the damn number."

* * *

When I reach the ladies room's door I glance over my shoulder to make sure I wasn't followed. When I don't see anyone suspicious nearby, I simply turn around and rush to the phones on the opposite wall. I need to make a phone call; I need to solve this for once and all. No matter how hard I wish things were different, they ain't gonna change anytime soon. The pain eats me but there's nothing I can do. 

I can't have this baby.

Snob climbs up my throat as I dial the numbers.

* * *

If one moment can change everything does it mean only one person can change the moment? Is one person able to mess up with the course of the future by only changing a moment or two? I never believed in that yet I'm here. Yeah it's a legend; the oh-so-great Saint Sarah knew about the Judgment Day. And obviously, she tried to stop it. She actually did succeed I guess, or maybe it was meant to happen that way, maybe it truly wasn't the time… and then they attacked again, only this time they were after her son and his future wife. Again, they were able to stop it from happening. But what if it still wasn't the time? Maybe it's now. What if we can stop it again? 

So what do we learn about this all? That history repeats itself? That many have tried and failed every time – the machines always beat the fate we've tried to give them. Now the question is, what's gonna be different this time?

But no; that's not exactly the question that has bothered me as long as I've known John. I wonder how his mother found about the future war. He never told me. Time after time I asked him but all he did was change the subject, ask how low we were on the supplies or something as meaningless as that; he always knew the answer but asked silenced me. He told Kate - she was with him, his wife. He had to tell. I'm sure of it and he probably told all his war buddies too, but not me. I know I'm being ridiculous but I can't help it; I just wanted to be part of the big secret. Now I'm trying to figure out what was it that he managed to keep from me? Something truly important? Was it a secret meant to keep or was he just enjoying being the one holding the leash? Funny how I can't answer my own questions anymore.

I'm still standing in that same room, next to the door waiting. Going through my simple plan: run. Oh yeah baby.

He gave me money. John I mean. "There" he said and offered me a piece of paper on which he wrote the damn number. I did think twice before I accepted the paper though, mostly 'cause I didn't want to get him into any greater danger than I already have… but my nature gave in. The situation fucking sucked. I'm not sure if he actually thinks I'm gonna call but I figured it was my only chance to get him out of here. Maybe I'll call – maybe just to hear his voice again if nothing else.

I automatically take another look of the paper which I'm still holding in my hand. Bob Reed or Christina Reed. "You didn't think we'd use our actual names, did you?" he said when I asked what those names were for. At that moment I felt embarrassed and stupid. "Of course not" I snapped.

Actually I did; only you're stupid enough to do something as idiotic as using your real name when you're trying to hide from the world, Connor. _Bob Reed?_ Okay... Interesting name choice, sure. I don't know why but it seems vaguely familiar. I shake the thought away and stuff the piece of paper into the left pocket of my trousers.

"And take this, too." I saw him holding money, offering it to me but I couldn't push myself into actually taking it. Not at first. "Come on, take it." I've never seen him smile like that. Though it was almost sad smile, it hid hope in it. It was questioning smile, testing. Pleading perhaps. Not like the ones I'm used to receive; hopeless and exhausted. This is the John Connor I always wanted to bring back to life but never could.

So, I did take it eventually. I needed the money and heck, he owes it to me anyway. At some level I suppose. For all the mental suffering I've been through cause of him, right? Then why do I feel guilty for thinking this way? Everything I've done, I've done because I wanted to. He doesn't owe me anything but at least it gives me some sort of pleasure pretending he does.

I know. I know what happens to Kate and though I shouldn't fuck with the timeline as Sarah so nicely put it, I have to. So I told him. Well no, I didn't tell what the future holds but I told him not to mention Kate any of what happened and at first he didn't agree with me. Kept saying she's his wife and that he wouldn't lie to her and all that kind of crap men expect females to want to hear. No thank you. If lying is the way to protect me, then please go ahead and lie. I can live with that. When he asked me why he shouldn't tell, all I could say was: "Because, well, because trust me, you do not wanna upset her now."

His eyebrow rose and I was so damn close punching him in the face. "Should I know something?" I couldn't lie this time. "Yeah, a lot of things", I admitted, "But not now and not told by me. Just promise me, you ain't gonna say a word to her, right?"

I think it was my eyes. Sincere eyes begging for him to do as I say, begging him to trust me. And he did, I guess.

The door opens and my breathing stops for a moment: instinct. Footsteps. A shocked whimper reaches my ears when the nurse realizes the empty bed in front of her. It doesn't take more than second for her to realize me standing next to her – I push her forward with all the power I have left, close the door and punch her in the face before she can even think of screaming. She lands on the floor with a loud thud. I flinch.

"Sorry."

After that, I'm ready to rumble. No, actually I'm not since I'm still feeling shaky but I can't stay here anymore. The lady's unconscious but I have a feeling she won't be for long. I step out of the room into the hallway hoping I'm not being seen. No worries, for a hospital it seems awfully silent. Then again, what do I know? When was the last time I actually was in one? There's practically no one walking in the hallway. Makes you wonder though – what kind of fucking hospital am I in?

I quicken my pace ignoring the pain it causes and when I see a couple of nurses walking towards me, I look away. _Not too fast Robin, not too fast._ I slow down again. The signs on the walls let me know I'm held on fourth floor and that does not make me feel better. Why? Because it means there are stairs. I've never liked elevators and I sure as hell ain't gonna start liking them now.

I see the green 'exit' next to the elevators right in front of me, in the other end of the hallway. "Thank god." I'm not a believer but the words are spoken without any thoughts. When I reach the spot where the two hallways cross each other and take a look around I'm forced to stop. I pull back few steps. Oh shit! The cops. Carefully I glance around the corner again to see what they're doing. In the other end of the hallway, the other one's sitting on a chair, the other one's standing. They're talking but not looking at each other, more like searching something. Me? I don't know, could they?

John's not with them and neither is Kate. At least I can be hopeful that they got away.

I could stay here for the rest of the evening and let them find me or I could go back. Or I could do as my original plan ordered me to: run. 2 meters - maybe more before I'd reach the exit but it'd be less then what they got. At least 20 meters. If I run, will they notice it's me? Have they even seen me yet? Do they know who they're looking for?

_Get a grip __York__, who said they are here for you? _That's it then. I breathe in before I stiffly walk towards the exit. God I wish I had my gun with me. Or knife. Hell, even piece of metal would give me some sort of comfort.

Murphy's law. The minute I step forward and let them see me, the other cop lifts his head. Sixth sense I'm sure. I don't stop but out of the corner of my eye I can see him tap the other one's shoulder. They both turn to look at me and I do the only thing I feel suitable. I run. I run through the door, down the stairs as fast as one possibly can. I know they're following, I can hear the quickening footsteps.

"Miss!"

I hear them yelling. "Miss! You there! We just want to talk to you! We'd like to know if you remember anything that happened to you before Bob Reed and his wife found you."

Yeah right. "Miss, please, we're not gonna hurt you! We just want to help you!" Humph. Oh Christ, I can't keep my fast pace up, in fact it seems I go slower and slower by every step I take. My side is yelling out in pain and for a moment I think I'm passing out. They're coming closer and closer.

"I don't understand this" I can hear the other one speaking. "Why's she running?"

Why am I running? You know I stole a car and because of that I'd be questioned and… Wait a minute.

I don't have time to finish my thought; a loud curse interrupts me. A thud. Smack. More cursing. One floor above me, someone's getting his ass beaten! I stop to listen but suddenly I can't hear a thing. No, I can hear something. Footsteps. I know I hear them but I can't move, it hurts too much to even think of it. My heart skips a beat when I hear a voice.

"Figured you'd need rescuing."

Oh great.

* * *

**A/N # 2: **_The definition of insanity said by Einstein. Smart guy. The fic will probably be mostly written from Robin's POV but that's only because I enjoy writing as her (the again, messing with John's mind is also lots of fun). Ah anyway, I know the whole long discussion between Robin and John is oh so boring BUT, I had to do it. I'm sure you understand that – I just don't think John would've let her go without the whole long rant. Oh and, I'm not sure how the time thing works, if Robin comes back from future does it mean everything instantly changes in their future or what, dunno, but I've taken the liberty to decide against it. Well who knows for sure anyway?_


	6. Chapter 5

title: Questioning Fate

Author: Syrai

Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language)

Genre: Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

Pairings: Kate/John/New character "triangle"

Status: WIP

Summary: Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

Disclaimer: Don't own the fandom. Sue me if you think it'll make you feel better. I'll bite though.

**A/N # 1: **Hope this thing's NOT too confusing. Just hang in there, will ya? ;) I can't decide whether to make this thing R or keep it as PG-13. What a dilemma.

**A/N # 2: **Thank you , thank you, thank you, thank you for the reviews, I hope the new chapter is as good as the old ones. Feedback is food for my soul and a huge muse so keep 'em coming ;) Oh and**Lucfier**, I guess living in Finland and Nightwish being Finnish band kinda connects ;) Great music, yes.

**A/N # 3: **Yes, I know – I'm very aware of the fact that I'm not only switching tellers, but tenses too. I'm evil, I know.

* * *

**5**

Whenever I step outside, somebody claims to see the light  
It seems to me that all of us have lost our patience.  
'cause everyone thinks they're right,  
And nobody thinks that there just might  
Be more than one road to our final destination

But I'm not ever going to know if I'm right or wrong  
'cause we're all going in the same direction  
And I'm not sure which way to go because all along  
We've been going in the same direction

* * *

**"Damnit Connor! Did I not tell you to go away!?"**

You know, for a woman in pain she really does look scary as hell and I bet she's not even trying to… She's standing there on one step of the stairs, pressing her side again only this time with both hands as if she was bleeding badly and the grimace on her face is back. A little push and she'd fell over, I'm sure. Yet she keeps looking scary. Freaks me out, really and I'm not easy one to freak out.

"Oh you're welcome" I blurt out a hint of sarcasm in my voice and walk up to her. "I just saved your pretty little ass here." The look on her face is the same I saw before: Shooting flares at my direction, disagreeing. Angry. _Great._ I just don't get what's the deal with her, I truly don't. She was the one who asked me to help her get out of this place in the first place, so what changed her mind? In a split second she took it back. What is the big secret she refuses to tell me?

"My _pretty little_ ass did not need saving, thank you very much!" She snaps angrily. "I was doing just fine, Connor!" I frown. Does she even realize how wrong she is? My gaze sweeps over her. Seems to me she can hardly stand, let alone run. She could've probably reached the exit mark on the first floor before fainting. Guess she's one of those know-it-all-types, huh? Doesn't surprise me, though, Kate can be like that too. Guess it's a female-thing. "Whatever you wanna tell yourself", I sigh after observing her a little and gesture towards the exit few steps below us, "now, let's go."

She shakes her head, taking a step backwards. Gods, stop playing games with me! Do as I'm saying! The cops are going to wake up soon!

"No, I gotta do something", she says strictly. She's obviously not getting the fact she's injured and can't handle the situation by herself. I glare at her. "No, you don't."

* * *

I pout. 

I told him I wouldn't leave the hospital with him and yet, here I am, sitting in his old crappy car trying to stare out of the window. Keyword: trying. Damnit – damn him! John's driving, not saying a word to me but just observing the traffic in front of him. Although, I know he's not paying that much attention to it; I can feel his eyes on me. He thinks I don't notice it, but I do. And that's_ why_ I try to stare out of the window, I don't want to meet his eyes, not now. Why? Because I might give away something I'm not allowed to, right? Who made the rules in the first place? He did. It was John Connor who sent his men back in time to do this and that. Sarah told me they weren't allowed to tell anything about the future; they weren't allowed to be seen at all, actually. So I ask, what was the point of all that? How did they change the course of the future if they couldn't do anything? I don't know. John's mind is a labyrinth, dark and dangerous.

Why does he follow my every move out of the corner of his eye like that? Maybe he thinks I'll jump out of the moving car just to get away from him? Well, sure, I thought bout that and dropped it. Not a good idea.

Ugh.

This time I force myself to _look _out of the window for real. _Focus on the surroundings, Robin._ Well, what can I say? It's breathtaking? Gods, how have I wished I'd see this scene again? Buildings, cars, people; I even missed the noise. It almost makes me forget the sound of the war I'm so used to. But at the moment I however, am too busy with pouting to actually enjoy… too much in pain to have energy to enjoy, is more like it. Pain… I think it's the pain that makes my mind wonder, it's the pain that makes my head so foggy… The reality just keeps fading away slowly. It's the pain that makes me high.

I just want to sleep, I want dream about that park where I used to play with mom and dad watching over me. My home town was a little village nearby the border of Canada, silent little town in the middle of nowhere… I miss the town where no one had ever thought the Judgment Day would come; never had even heard of it. But it did come as we know. Loud and clear. I was in Baltimore that day with my boyfriend Daniel; having the most perfect day you can with someone you love.

I have no idea how it happened or how I survived, no memories at all. All I know is that I woke up 4 months after it all in some weird hospital room underground surrounded by people I had never seen in my life. John Connor had already taken the lead and had been trying to find survivors or so I was told, I didn't meet him right away. I don't know who fond me, where or when exactly, but I'm grateful for whoever it was. Saved me life.

My eyes snap open. How the hell did I end up here? Oh right, John just grabbed my arm and dragged me into his car like some damn cave man totally ignoring the fact he was hurting me. That's right, real polite. Reminds me of the John I know but I'm not sure if it's a good sign; not anymore. Then again, what do I really know? I've known this John less than a day, can't say that much about him yet, now can I? I glance at him, but suddenly I can't seem to take my eyes off of him. He looks so different, so much stronger but yet weaker at the same time. I guess there's more innocence in his appearance. They say years bring power… they say years bring more self-confident, they say years make you stronger… but it's not true. Years, they do nothing but eat you and make you older. Years spent fighting against invincible creatures are the worst. They make you dead inside and you grow cold.

You die. I died.

I've died so many times that I'm not sure if my heart still beats normally. I've been shot, I've been beaten; I've been strangled once. Every time they've somehow brought me back from dead and every time I've wished they hadn't. I do love John, I do love his children but I do not love _my_ reality. I'm dead inside and sometimes all I want is to be dead outside too. To match, so to speak. There's no light at the end of the tunnel, you know that don't you? There's no out-of-your-body experience as they so often claim. It's a lie, a big fat lie parents tell their children to make them less scared of death.

There's not even silence. There's nothing.

Why are they so scared of death? It's bliss.

"Stop looking at me like that, _lady"_, he says breaking my train of thought. I'm startled by the unexpected comment and for a moment I just stare at him. When my brain recalls everything that's just happened, I break free from the intense stare but the word escapes my lips before I can stop it. "York", I say quietly. I said it, didn't I? He glances at me again, frowning. "What? You wanna go to New York?"

This time I don't even try to hold it back. "No idiot", I snap, "my name's York - Robin."

He looks at me funnily, as if he didn't expect me to have a name. "Okay, _York_", he says nodding, tasting my name. Sweet, sour, something in between? I don't ask but I'd want to. "Nice to meet you", he continues.

Wish I could say the same.

The thought hits me out of nowhere and at first I'm not sure if I should say anything. My nature is what it is, though. "I've been thinking, Connor", I start. Truth is I haven't been thinking about it at all but I might as well bring it up now that I remembered it. "YOU said that they know I was driving a stolen car but… That man was not there to arrest me!"

A muscle tenses on his jaw and I recognize it immediately. Son of a bitch! His eyes suddenly avoid mine; the traffic seems to interest him more than just a minute ago. Another sign I know way too well. Lying bastard. He clears his throat. "Well, yes I said that..."

"But?"

"…but I failed to mention we didn't tell them where we found you so they don't know you were driving… any car. They just think you're a missing person needing to be found."

"Asshole!"

He rolls his eyes sighing. _Don't you roll your eyes at me! _My mind is screaming louder than ever but I don't say anything – yet."Oh come on", he yelps, "I couldn't say that you're free to go – I want to know what the hell's going on. We're gonna go at our place, we sleep over the night…"

_You gonna chain me to bed? _

"...and we'll talk in the morning."

I blink. He is out of his fucking mind! I fight the urge to grab his collar and smack his head against the wheel. It wouldn't do much good for either one of us, I suppose, but it would at least give me some sort of pleasure. "In the morning?" I spit looking at him with my mouth open. "You sure are taking this way too light headedly, John."

"Look _York_, you were just in a car accident, you crashed against a goddamn tree and also, you were unconscious for few hours there." His voice is getting more and more annoyed. "Excuse-me if I wanna keep you alive and doing well instead of getting you killed."

_You care about my health now? Funny. Will you still care about it after ten years, huh? _I wish I could tell him something, anything. I wish I could wipe that look away; tell him to give me a break because I know what I'm doing. But no, I can't tell him what I know… and I don't know what I'm doing. If there's something I always tried to teach Sarah, it's the fact you should never do anything out of impulse. Oh, look at me now. Being impulsive is good; it opens doors you never even saw were there… but only when it doesn't involve you or anyone else getting killed. And what am I trying to do here? Yeah, I'm about to rewrite history. _Again._

Brings the question back; what's gonna be different this time?

John always says there's no fate, but what we make for ourselves. It's his mantra, I'm telling you. But at the same time, he often said Kate was his destiny. I don't know bout others, but I see a conflict. How can there be no fate if there's destiny? Fate _is_ destiny!

I massage my temples trying to clear up my thoughts and concentrate. The pain is really making me numb… but at the same time I feel like I'm on drugs. Just focus and it'll be alright.

"Where's Brewster? _Kate_ I mean?"

"Kate?" What? _Did you already forget her? _"Oh, she's fine, she's at the police station."

I gasp. I heard wrong, I had to. "She's where?!"

"At the police station?"

I'll be damn. "Are you fucking crazy?"

"No, I'm not", he exclaims, almost mad. He does NOT have rights to be mad at me! I should be mad at him! I am mad at him! "She's taking care of this little situation you've created." I've created? **I'VE CREATED? **_Breathe Robin, breathe._

"She said I have family emergency." Oh that explains, huh? "You don't even have family", I point out sarcastically.

"Just drop it! She's fine."

So? I don't care if she's ok. _Fuck, did I say it out loud?_ No, I don't think so, thank god. I should care though, but I don't. I need to keep her safe, isn't that one of the reasons I'm here? To make sure both Kate and John get out of this alive? Secure their future, sacrifice mine? For a moment it feels like my original plan has faded away, slipped from my mind and I can't reach it. The plan I made, is gone now. Am I gonna have to start from the scratch? Robert Brewster. _Just find Robert_. He'll make it go away, he'll stop it. If he doesn't do it, I'm gonna find that son of a bitch and kill it myself. Tear it apart. Kill. Kill. Die damnit. I don't care if it kills me; I'll find it and kill it even if it means I'm going down with it. It's a virus and I'm the cure.

It's a fucking machine!

Christ, I need painkillers.

"You didn't tell her, did you?"

I ask: You didn't tell her, did you? I bet my big eyes look really, really, really worried as they hover over him. Why did I ask that? Do you want to know? Do I want to know? What if he did? What does it change?

If you throw a bucket of warm water into the damn ocean, does it make it any warmer?

"No", he answers smiling slightly. "I didn't." Must've been one amusing meeting they had. Jealousy is a bitch. "I grabbed her arm, pulled her into broom-closet and listened to her hiss at me like ten minutes… and then I told her to do it."

Do what? Go to the damn police station so they could squeeze the truth out of her? Yes, my husband is John Connor. Yes, add him into your database and YES, get the machines after us! Okay, so maybe I'm not giving her the credit she deserves, after all every one that actually knew her, liked her. I never met her so it's easy for me to dislike her. She was working in another base… with John of course, which is why I never got to meet her. I got transferred after her death, someone had mentioned my name to John and he thought I could be useful. Or maybe it had nothing to do with my abilities; he just needed a woman-figure around his children. At that point, it didn't make any difference to me.

"She's not too happy bout that is she?"

The world after the famous Judgment Day is very similar to this reality, actually. The settings have changed but the basic structure is still there. I wanted to work directly under his orders because it gave me a change to climb up the ranks – one by one. I was sergeant at that point, but since I am ambitious, I wanted to be something more. Captain? Major? Lieutenant? They all sounded pretty good to me.

"No." He shakes his head, "she was angry, of course. But she'll get over it. I'll explain her everything when she calls."

I never wanted to end up being just 'wife' but fate doesn't ask. More precisely, I never wanted to end up being _his_ wife.

Again, I frown. "Calls?"

He gives a soft mocking laugh as if I was a stupid child. How does he do it? How can he make me feel like a complete idiot when he's the one who doesn't know what is going to happen? I know, damnit, I lived it!

"Cell-phones have been invented", he explains. I snort - oh should've known. "You idiots have cell-phones? You have any idea how easy it is for them to trace you?! You're even more stupid than I thought Connor!"

"It's not like I'd be using my real name there. I'm Bob, remember?"

Sure, give fake name, it'll make the difference. Wrong, sweetie! They can trace your voice too, I know they can! Stupid! "You're willing to do this all for _her_?" I yell waving my arms as I speak. "Think Connor, think! You have any idea in what kind of danger you both are just because you didn't want to rip Kate from this place?" I shut should up. I should let my body fall against the back of the seat, I should look out of the window again and just shut up. As said, jealousy is a bitch but mixed up with frustration it's a nuclear bomb. The pain's making me dizzy again. _Hang in, just try and hang in here._ "Who cares her family is here? I'm somewhat sure his father would love to keep her safe, even if it meant not knowing where she is! You stayed here because of her and that could end up killing you!"

"How'd you know?" It's a challenge. He knows I'm about to fall apart and let it all out. He wants to know and that's why he's toying with me. God I hate it when he pushes me to the limits like this. It's always you John, isn't it? It's always what you want. What about what I want? What about what I need?

"You act like you'd actually know what's going on in here." My voice is suddenly calm. "You act as if you'd be the leader."

"I am, aren't I?" Sarcasm? John, John, John. Don't let it get to your head. "You know what? No, you aren't", I say, "You will be… if you live long enough." He doesn't say anything, just glances at me quickly and since he's not fighting back, I continue, "I know a lot of things, Connor. And for years I've wished I could tell you them. Like…" I inhale deeply before I let the words roll out. "YOU FUCKING MORON!"

His knuckles are white… he squeezes the wheel with both hands. Slowly his face turns to me and the anger shadows his eyes. Did I hit the spot? "Excuse-me?" Low voice and electric look directed at me. Yes, I assume I did.

_Don't say it._ "Why the hell did you stay here, John, why? What's the real reason? You scared you'd lose her?" I blame the pain. I blame my foggy mind. I blame the fact he chose to stay with Kate. I blame the fact he never stopped loving her.

I blame Kate.

"What do you mean?"

_Shit!_ The pain comes back like an electric shock shaking my body. "…I need… painkillers."

The memory washes over me as my eyes meet his and I smile. Mother. I was a mother too. For 4 whole months, I was a god damn mother.

* * *

'I need you to do something for me', he said to me after cramming me violently into a goddamn broom-closet. Right. 'I need you to go to the police station and make a statement', he added. Oh great. 'I need you to tell them to make up an excuse for my absence.' Sure love, anything for you. 

I sigh shoving my hands into my pockets to keep them warm. It's cold, so fucking cold. _Walk faster, walk faster._

John told me to take the buss. The buss?! Yeah, for some reason he needed the car and left me alone. It's not like him but I'm sure he has his reasons, as always and I'm not mad… anymore. I'm just confused now, really confused. I don't know what is going on around me and he refused to tell me. When something like this happens the first thought crossing your mind is that he's obviously cheating on you. Aren't they always? Every TV show, every movie, it's always the reason.

When you realize you don't know your beloved one that well anymore, your mind creates stories. This isn't the first time it happens; I guess I just have an imagination without borders.

Maybe that woman was heading towards my father's place to tell me that she's my husband's lover and that she's pregnant for his child? Even the thought of baby makes sick to my stomach. Maybe that's why John wanted to stay with her, you know. It had nothing to do with him wanting to make sure she's ok; it had everything to do with their affair. Maybe he's with her now, holding her, kissing her, laughing at my stupidity.

Maybe they're planning how to break the news?

_John's not like that_, I remind myself. He loves me and adores me! I know he loves me more than anything in the world…. because I'm all he has.

I could easily drop the story. I mean I could, if I knew why John stayed in her room for so long. She was unconscious, wasn't she? So what the hell was he doing? Watching her sleep, petting her hair, holding her hand and telling her she's gonna be alright? _Oh screw it, stop Kate! _

Sometimes I wonder if John's with me because he knew we'd end up together. Maybe the terminator changed our destinies, maybe we weren't supposed to end up together after it all? Perhaps it's not fate that made this happen; maybe we just figured we should get married because it happened in _his_ reality. Well, it's our destiny, the terminator made it very clear. Sometimes the story gets a new perspective; maybe he doesn't love me… maybe he just thinks he loves me. Maybe he's with me because it's his duty, his destiny.

Fuck the destiny. He said he didn't want any part of it, "never did." I'm part of that destiny – where does it put me?

I can feel headache eating its way through my brain.

Yeah, I should call John to let him know we're off the hook. I should let him know the fact the woman disappeared from the hospital is on their minds now. I should also tell him they didn't know it was him who attacked those cops.

He didn't tell me, but I know it anyway. It's so like him. John's with her, I'm sure of it.

I should make the call. But I don't.

_Walk faster._

* * *

"Auch." 

If life could be just a little bit simpler, she'd be totally _cool _with it. She'd be happy, in fact. But no, it just didn't work that way, did it? Her father always said that the new world didn't work that way… and neither had the old one done. She wasn't sure what options that left for her exactly, but it wasn't the case there. Life wasn't simple – what else was new?

What was the case then? Well.

She was lying on the wet, stone-hard ground; naked like a vulnerable newborn, trying to breathe for the first time. She felt the cold wind hit her whole body making her shiver like she had never shivered before - ever. Not to mention the growing pain eating her body all over, stopping her breathing every other second. If she had known how much it actually hurt, she would've forgotten the whole deal.

No, actually, she wouldn't have.

She wanted to sigh, but her lungs refused to act on it. This was not her day. Not by far.

"Auch" she repeated as she slowly got up on her feet. It took a few dazed minutes before she fully understood what had happened and at that moment the pain seemed to be forgotten, completely. She clapped her hands like a child should, looking ecstatic. "Oh my god, I did it! Oh wicked!"

Only after another minute the fact she indeed was naked, seemed to slowly register into her mind. She looked down to meet the naked flesh of her chest.

Right.

But nah, being naked in some dark ally wasn't really a problem to her; she had been in much, _much_ more worse situations with all kind of… things chasing her, but the fact she was in some place she had never seen before… now that was classified as a problem. As a huge one by her book. She glanced around the space and wrapped her arms around her body to prevent the warmth of escaping. It didn't help much though, but she pretended. Pretended that she had warm clothes on, had eaten delicious meal, that she was laying on her own bed listening to the distant voices of the war and that everything was ok. Peachy.

She glanced around her again and this time she actually paid attention to what she saw. Tall buildings, a noise of …traffic coming somewhere behind them, lights all over the sky. Wow, it all looked so surreal to her. This world was new to her for she had never ever seen it before. All she had was a picture in her mind drawn by her parents a long time ago.

Indeed, imagination _can_ get you far as said, but this was so much better: this was real.

She took a shaky step forward and inhaling slowly ignoring the pain it caused.

No, she wasn't a newborn - **reborn** was the perfect word to describe her.

* * *

**A/N # 2: **"Same Direction" by Hoobastank. 


	7. Chapter 6

Title: Questioning Fate

Author: Syrai

Rating: PG-13 for now anyway (for language)

Genre: Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

Pairings: Kate/John/New character triangle

Status: WIP

Summary: Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N # 1:** What I want to point out is that... I know. As Forsaken _pointed_ out in one of our convos, my timeline and the future seems to be different from the movies. But you know, after the movies screwed their own timeline up, I dun think it matters anymore. :laughs: I thought it through when I started writing and realized Robin just doesn't fit into the original timeline and therefore there are few lil changes. Hopefully it doesn't bother you lots. Anyway, I'll try to explain it all along the way but if you have questions, feel free to throw them at me if needed ;) It's the butterfly effect people, it's the butterfly effect! Can't expect everything to be the same after everything's happened, screw the fate ;)

**A/N # 2: **Yes?

* * *

**6**

_I am nothing more than a little boy inside  
That cries out for attention  
yet I always try to hide  
'Cause I talk to you like children,  
Though I don't know how I feel  
But I know I'll do the right thing  
If the right thing is revealed_

* * *

Every day of my life the dreams still hunt me one way or another. Awake, sleeping, it's the one and same. They won't leave me alone no matter what I do or rather, what I don't. Don't fall asleep Robin, don't fall asleep. I'm so tired, my whole body's exhausted and yet I keep hanging between two different worlds; the past, the future. Completely unable to sleep, as usual, because I'm afraid of what I'll see if I close my eyes. Horror, sorrow, pain… Even now that I'm partly awake, I can see flashes of my past flickering in my mind. They're never about the present time because for me there is no such thing. I'm reliving my past as someone else.

_"Sarah junior!"__ I try to catch the young girl's attention by raising my voice a bit louder. She's sitting on the floor beside Reese, two bright eyes looking up right at me holding such innocence that it almost stops your breathing. "What?" But, oh no lady, the sweet and innocent act ain't gonna work on me. I'm not your father, you know. Still, the smile visits my lips briefly before I raise my voice yet again. "Sarah, quit playing with your dad's gun! Those things are not meant for children, I've told you hundreds of times already." She makes a pouting face but as usual, I ignore it. "Fine", she says with a sour tone and throws the gun down to my feet. Good girl. "I'll just go play with someone else's gun then." Or maybe not then._

Even opening my eyes every other minute doesn't prevent them coming. Doesn't make them go away.

_Daniel. Daniel has the bluest eyes I've ever seen. The most beautiful blue eyes, if I may add. He's lying on the blanket underneath me, gently painting my neck, my sides, my back… He whispers something to my hair but I giggle too hard to actually hear. I don't even care, not really. This is how it feels to be loved; this is how it feels to love. This is what being happy means. I can feel him smile against my cheek, hot breath tickling my neck and I breathe in his enchanting smell. How does he always smell so good?_

I just want to sleep, you know. Forget that I ever came here, forget Kate… forget John. Forget what I'm trying to do. Back at my time I partly enjoyed staying up, watching him sleep. Sometimes he even smiled while sleeping, not often but sometimes. How can something so small turn out to be the highlight of your day? The moment you long for? Observing him is simply my thing. If I can't do that, well, then I don't want to stay awake. Simple. Now, sleep damnit.

_Like so many times before I'm holding the child in my arms and running from those chasing me. Running as fast as I can, hoping they'd get lost, hoping that someone would come and save us. I know how it ends; I've seen it way too many times. Suddenly I'm there again, on my knees in the middle of all that junk, pressing the baby against my chest. The blood on my face… I feel dizzy… "You fucking bastard! You killed her! You... killed… Joy."_

My eyes snap open. What was it that woke me up so suddenly? Oh, one look around me and I see I'm not alone in the room. _What now?_

Then it hits me. **Shit.** How can it be morning already when I barely even slept? **Time.** Time's a tricky thing and it never quite works the way you want it to. My gaze brushes over him and my first reaction is a painful swallow. Is he trying to make things harder for me on purpose, seriously? There he is, sitting in an armchair next to the sofa wearing nothing but jeans. Am I supposed to look away or would that seem too odd? Then what? Keep staring at his chest? Acknowledge the fact there's no scar on his left side, no bullet wounds to be seen. Not yet. All the memories we share… aren't there, probably won't be either. Knowing that hurts like hell. Knowing everything I know, remembering it all, it just fucking hurts and there's no way around that.

Maybe I shouldn't have come.

"Who's Joy?"

Huh? The question takes me by surprise and makes my forehead wrinkle nastily. Oh my gods, how can he know? "What?"

The look he gives me is breathtaking. So soft... "You talk in your sleep."

Man, I'm so stupid every now and then. I should've guessed that actually, I've heard it way too many times. The saddened smile stays on my lips only for a second, too brief for him to notice it. "I know", I say before my brain even registers the words coming out of my mouth; "You've told me." No, no, no… Fuck, if I don't learn to keep my mouth shut, I don't know what'll happen. I'll buy a doll and smack myself with it, yes.

"I've told you?"

The real question behind his words is there even though he doesn't let it out. "I mean… all of you, you know. We've been forced to share the same spot more than once." Notice how I used the word 'forced' which means I didn't do it willingly. That'll solve the issue, hopefully. Because if I didn't do it willingly, then it proves there's nothing going on between us. Why is that I feel he's onto my secret? He doesn't have a single reason to suspect such thing… I'm seeing this, hearing what I want. Do I really want him to fall in love with me here and now? No, that's not the plan!

"So who's Joy?" He asks not even realizing what kind of effect those words have on me. Deep, sharp breath cuts my throat. Gods, why couldn't he just forget his original question and move on? Still, I hear myself answering; telling him the truth. "She's my daughter." Okay, well, not the whole truth obviously, just one half of it.

"You have a kid?" His voice sounds more than surprised. What, am I not the motherly-type?

"I did", I reply, voice cold, "She died."

"Oh… I'm sorry", he lets out after a silent moment, nodding once before smoothly changing the subject, "So, what's your next move, York?"

"My next move?" Suddenly I'm not that sure anymore. I have to go with my original plan, don't I? Yes, it's the only way I know and see. "I…I need to speak with Robert."

"Why?"

_Why do you always have to question me, Connor?_ Sometimes I get the feeling he truly doesn't have faith in me. I understand why he doubts me now, but still it cuts somewhere deep down. This is how it always goes and realizing that doesn't really bring me any kind of comfort. I always thought he would change, hoped he would… but I know he'll stay the same. It's his thing I suppose, questioning everything and everyone. Since his childhood he's known he'll be someone important and you can't deny the fact that doesn't go to your head, can you? I try to convince myself that it's ok… people should question others more often anyway, right? Good society is one where people dare to question others' decisions, isn't that what he used to say?

"Because the virus is on loose again, Connor", I reply trying not to sound rude because it's the last thing I want; him to attack me verbally. This dog barks more painfully than it bites, I've been there. "It's slowly eating their database and they don't even see it. I need to tell him, I need to make him find a way to defeat it 'cause I honestly don't know how it could be done." Sad, I know, but I have no clue. No one really does. It happened so quickly; the Judgment Day. On top of all, it's hard trying to make sense of what happened when our equipments don't seem to match with the machines… not till recently, that is. Whatever it was the discovery John made, he never told me. One day the war just got a whole new direction and all he could say was that it wasn't supposed to happen this quickly, not yet, not for many years. To him it seemed so wrong somehow. I don't know what he meant because I don't know what he knew from the future. I guess the one he got wasn't the one he expected. "The butterfly effect" was the only decent reply I got.

"How much do we have time?"

I shrug. "I don't know – about a week?"

The look on his face makes me want to hit him. Just quit questioning me, please! "You don't know?"

What's with him here? Just because I'm from the future doesn't mean I know every little detail there is to know especially when he's the one who's been so determined to keep them from me. If I did know, don't you think the issue would have been handled by now, huh? "I don't, ok? Who knows how time works, anyway? Something might've changed; it could be earlier… it could be later. All I know for sure is that it will wake up unless we kill the bitch first."

"How?"

Goddamnit! "How the fuck should I know?" That's it. I'm going to get dressed and get this thing done before I lose the little control I have over myself. I need to get back in control here, have the power over him. So in order to gain that, I do the only thing I know has any kind of effect on him. I get up and let the blanket fall down. Well, I was going to get dressed anyway. Automatically he looks down, clearing his throat as if to tell me there's something wrong with the picture here. His whole body tenses and his elbows land on top of his knees. It's funny what you can do to a man just by using your body. I suffocate the feeling of guilt – **he was begging for it!**

"You're from the future…"

"Yeah and that just solves it all", I throw back angrily. My clothes are on the floor, wrinkled but I don't really care. I pull the pants on first without rushing one bit. Of course I feel uncomfortable, but at least it gives me more time to escape his stare. Getting away from him is what I need right now. "Look, we never found out. It's how it happened in my reality. One day the bitch you thought was dead raised its head and woke up. Blew up the world, almost literally and that's it. The Judgment Day came and there wasn't a single thing we could've done."

I notice how he quickly glances at me when I bend over to pick up my shirt. Never ever have I felt like this… like the glance he steals would be wrong, forbidden. Maybe because by the end of the day, it truly is wrong. Kate wouldn't appreciate it, would she? No.

"For someone who claims to fight with me on my side, you don't know that much."

Can I smell an accusation, you son of a bitch? Great, just because I don't know everything you assume I'm one of the bad guys? Remind me never to come to try and save your ass again. "Yeah and guess who can be blamed for that?" Can you feel the cutting tone pierce your skin? Tell me you can. "It's your problem you wanted to keep me in the dark. What goes around comes around." Just keep barking boy, it'll come and bite you in the ass.

He picked up my angry tone, I can see it from his eyes, but for some reason he chooses to ignore it. Instead he asks rather softly, "Was I trying to protect you?"

Me… well… I mean… Probably you were just trying to retain your control over me, eh. "The hell I know!" I groan nondescriptly, "No, I don't think you were. Listen, I don't care about that at the moment. All I want to do is contact Robert. Can I do that here or do I gotta flee?"

I receive a slight, approving nod. Maybe he realized that asking questions I don't want to answer is not the way to go. My big bad blood hound is more like a little puppy dog in this reality? Hmm. "Here. You want me to call him?"

Finally we're getting somewhere! "Okay, great – I can do it myself, just give me the number…" Then, all the sudden I realize something's missing. _Someone._ The panic catches me quickly. "Where's Kate?"

"I dunno, she had already left when I woke up and she doesn't answer her phone. Out I suppose, have had a rough couple of months…"

I figured that much, stupid. "_Oh shit." _If you only knew half of it, Connor, you wouldn't sound that casual. You wouldn't sit there worrying over Skynet, no, no. You'd be worrying over her as you should. Men are blind when it comes to these kinds of issues, I see. Now it's time to take my original plan under execution, even though it doesn't really hit me. "She took the car?"

"No."

Good. "Then give me the car keys, John, and don't ask a thing or I'll fucking smack you."

* * *

When you think things couldn't possibly be any worse, it's when you usually come to see how wrong you can be.

The bottom's never what you imagine it to be, isn't that what they say? There's always a chance to slip lower; always. Life has its own ways, I suppose. So, I woke up in the morning only to realize the woman we had taken into the hospital the night before, had her beauty dreams on our sofa. On our goddamn sofa! I was shocked to say the least; it wasn't exactly what I had expected to find after dragging myself downstairs in the morning. I can't believe I didn't see her when I came home after midnight… No, how didn't I _hear_ her snoring when I came home? She's almost as bad as John is, really.

Speaking of him, John had fallen asleep on our bed with all his clothes on; I guess he had been waiting for me to come home. Normally I'd find that sweet and adorable, but not this time. Probably did it out of guilt. I did what every loving wife would've though, I removed his shoes and pulled a blanket over him before I went to take a cold shower to clear my mind.

Everything's fucked up right now. The world, my life, my head. Now, which one should I worry over again?

I woke up in the morning before neither John nor the mystery woman had even opened an eye. Carefully, I pulled my clothes on, brushed my teeth and left. It was two hours ago.

Doctors and hospitals freak me out. The neutral smell that fills the hallways, the whiteness of the walls… scared people, sad people… You need to trust your life on the hands of a stranger's and pray you'll wake up after whatever it is they're doing to you. Have faith… what if you don't? That's why I avoided going there earlier today, though my appointment should take place in 15 minutes. I couldn't bare the thought of sitting there, waiting for my turn. Still can't but I can't exactly avoid it any longer either.

If John ever finds out what I'm about to do, it'd probably ruin our marriage for good. Lately thing's been a bit off between us anyway. Whether it's because of me, or because of him is rather irrelevant. Maybe it was me… in fact it probably was me who started to question our fate. Yes. But that's not the problem with us when you think of it… the fact he didn't have the answers I needed was. Still is.

It's almost 9.30am. The busy street keeps throwing people at my face, slowing me down. People keep running into my shoulder, some apologize, some snort, some just ignore it. And I keep walking ignoring them back; trying to figure out what kind of part do they have in the future? In my future? What role will they play? The mother dragging a little girl down the road with her; are they among the people that actually do survive? Are they going to see the future I've been told will fall upon us, will I be working with them, fighting by their side? These are the kind of thoughts I don't want to be thinking… but which I can't hold back. John's not the only one who sees nightmares now days… I think they're contagious.

Thank God I can already see the hospital.

* * *

The thing I hate the most when it comes to using Time Displacement Equipment is the fact you can't take anything with you. No clothes, no weapons, no anything. I can deal with the pain if I want to, I've been too well trained to let it bother me even though I'm young and it's ok that you find yourself completely naked too. But the fact you must remember all these little facts you've been told just kills me. Every little thing they've ever said I have to try and remember, dig up from somewhere inside my head. They told me about this place, told me stories and drew me pictures, literally. They tried so hard to make me see things that used to be, learn all kind of things. Like addresses. I never knew why they told me all that – it's not like I needed that information back there but still I didn't mind. In fact, I loved sitting there listening to dad and York telling that stuff, laughing and remembering. For a moment there, they seemed almost happy and you don't see them happy too often, so.

This world scares me almost as much as it fascinates me. I can't help but stare at the people passing me by, searching for familiar faces. Only I can't find what I'm looking for, not a single familiar face. No machines hovering above us, no sounds of war making children cry and no one chasing me, trying to kill me. It's strange because I never thought I'd see this.

Maybe I'm still in shock… after all, everything did happen pretty fast.

I'll pull through though. I feel already warmer now that I have too big t-shirt and skirt covering my body. Things are starting to lighten up already which is great.

"Here you go." A plate filled with food appears on the table in front of me. The speaker is a nice older lady who for my fortunate found me wandering around the streets naked without any place to go. I don't even remember that part myself, all the sudden I just were here. An hour ago my mind woke up, you could say. I found myself sitting in her warm cozy kitchen and smelling all the different smells that I've never smelled before. And for a short moment I forgot what I'm here for.

"Thank you", I thank gratefully and grab the fork to stuff food into my mouth. I don't care what it is that she gave me, all I know is that it smells good and looks as delicious as it smells…. and I'm also very, very, very hungry.

"Tell me more about the woman you found yesterday, Gloria." She takes the seat opposite of me, puts her elbows on the table and just smiles while watching how I eat. I never knew my grandmother Sarah, after whom I was obviously named, but I wish she was like Gloria. Sweet and caring.

"Well", she starts glancing out of the window before she turns to look at me again, "I found her lying on the ground naked near the place where you were."

Good to know my plan actually worked and my brother, Reese actually managed to do what I told him to do. Usually he simply fails to do so. Of course, dad will so spank him when he hears who helped me get through the security men but maybe he'll eventually understand why I did it. If Robin can do it, I can. I might be a kid, only 10 years old – almost 11 though, but I'm one damn smart kid. Wasn't dad a bit older when the terminator attacked him for the first time, anyway? Who says children aren't capable?

"Did she say something?" I ask after finishing my meal. Maybe she said something that'll give me a hint of what she's going to do? I know why she's here, sorta, but not how she's gonna deal with it all. If I could just find her and tell her everything dad told me… everything would be so much better, for all of us. I know I'm not gonna get to go home anymore, I'm stuck here only because they don't have the needed equipments to make that happen yet but it's ok. I didn't want that kind of life and without Robin it'd suck anyway. I'm just wondering what'll happen after everything? Will I fade away from the world? What about when the Sarah jr of this time is born? What'll happen to me? What if she's not born?

Maybe I shouldn't worry these things, just yet anyway.

"So, did she?" Obviously, Gloria looks a bit suspicious. Guess this doesn't normally happen to her every day. "Why are you so interested?" She asks frowning, examining my face. She does what Robin always does, tries to find the answer from my eyes. Well duh. Just ask the question and we'll get this done.

"Do you know her?" She questions. There, it wasn't that hard.

Heh. You bet. "I'm not supposed to tell, but yes", I reply smiling, "she's my stepmother and I need to tell her something."

"I'm sorry darling, but I have no idea where she went." She looks disappointed somehow which is the last thing I want. She's too nice person to feel that way. It's not like she could've anticipated this one before hand and asked Robin to leave a note telling from where to find her or anything as absurd as that. So there's really no need for her blame herself when you think of it.

"It's ok, really", I say. Wait a minute… From where the thought hits me, I have no idea. "Hey, can I… maybe… call my dad? I remember the number, but…" I swallow. Darn, why is it so embarrassing to admit that…

"But?"

Well. "I haven't ever used an actual phone before…"

Again, the question is easy to see shining in her eyes, but she doesn't ask. Only smiles bright eyes sparkling. Must be wondering what kind of weird childhood I have had. Pretty weird, I'd say. "Oh my, well, just drink your milk and we'll make the phone-call after that, alright?"

Wohoo! "Peachy." Things are definitely starting to go my way. I empty the glass with one gulp.

* * *

**A/N # 3:** Since I'm very passionate_ Staind-_lover the song's obviously "Epiphany"…by Staind. Chapter where there doesn't happen that much but oh well :rolls eyes, again: Oh, and just know that feedback feeds my soul. And my muse gets lots of energy out of it, too… and the muse keeps me writing, when it has energy to do so. You do the math.


	8. Chapter 7

**Title:** Questioning Fate

**Author: **Syrai

**Rating:** PG-13 for now anyway (for language)

**Genre:** Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of dramaPairings: Kate/John/New character triangle

**Status: **WIP

**Summary:** Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N # 1:** Blame the one who invented computers. Blame the one who got the crazy idea of making Terminator movies. Blame the goddamn producer. Blame the tooth fairy as far as I'm concerned…as long as it's not me who gets the blame. Reviews I'll take though… more than gladly.I can't explain what I was thinking when I wrote this chapter, it felt like I was dreaming and spaced out somehow. And that's what you see there, but it was kinda the whole point, so. No worries.

* * *

7

I've been dreaming for so long,  
to find a meaning to understand.  
The secret of life,  
why am I here to try again?

Will I always, will you always  
see the truth when it stares you in the face?  
Will I ever, will I never free myself  
by breaking these chains?

I'd give my heart, I'd give my soul.  
I'd turn it back, it's my fault.  
Your destiny is forlorn,  
have to live till it's undone.  
I'd give my heart, I'd give my soul.  
I'd turn it back and then at last I'll be on my way.

* * *

The silence between us is unbreakable… It's a cold layer between the two of us that you cannot see. Layer you cannot smash; not physically, not verbally. What can you do? Wait, just wait. Patience is a virtue. 

I don't blame her for being silent, I really don't. It's not easy to hear that one wrong decision can end up screwing up your whole life and marriage just like that. One lousy decision can take away everything you've ever achieved and break your world into millions of little pieces that no one can glue back together. Life's a puzzle no one can solve and it applies to you too. Your life is a puzzle – what you gonna do about it? She doesn't know.

What makes it all so much worse… is to know that the decision that shook the ground underneath you making you fall… was one made by you. Who wants to know your downfall was your own fault, honestly? So no, I don't blame her. Take your time, figure it out.

And you know, after being the one to tell her all that, I don't even attempt to talk. The idea of her smacking me across the face all the sudden while I'm driving doesn't really work with me. Though she's really not the type to attack me like that, but you can never be too careful. I try not to stare at her but it's really hard. Here she is. The one of whom I've heard so many great stories that it's hard to keep track of them all. The strong woman who fought by his side till her dying day; the perfect mother and wife. A fighter like Sarah Connor had been. You can't beat. I gave up trying a long time ago and accepted the fact you can't compete with a shadow… but now, she's not a shadow anymore… She's right there. If I reached out my hand I could touch her, feel her skin.

I wish things were different. But they're not. What's so special about her anyway? She's not even that beautiful!

She's sitting next to me, looking down to her hands on her laps without saying a word. She looks like she's about to cry but I know she's too tough to do that. She's Kate Brewster after all; she can't afford to let her feelings out into the open like that. After everything I've been through, I still can't even begin to imagine what she's thinking right now. People always say they wish they'd know their future but when they do find out… they wish they didn't. It's a dilemma. I don't know what my future will be; I don't know when I made a bad decision that will eventually fuck up my life. And that's exactly why I don't know what's going through her head right now.

No, there's no one here to tell me I have a second chance like I'm telling her. I just hope she'd believe me and take my advice instead of fighting back and denying the truth.

Kate, you have a second chance to make it all better. Take it, use it; change it.

* * *

****

1 hour before

When everything happens too fast for your mind to actually understand it all seems… surreal. You're there, but you aren't. You see it happening, but to someone else. You're outside your body; observing, making notes. But you're not involved. The minute it hits you, the minute you realize it in fact is happening to you… you see everything a little bit differently; through some one else's eyes. Is this really me? Is this really what just happened? Why? Why me? You don't know, they don't know. No one knows. God forbid.

Slowly, my mind keeps rewinding it to understand it better. Let's go through this once more. At first I was on my way to the hospital… I called Doctor Jacobs last night from the hospital when John was still with… her. I didn't have time to go see him then and some part of me was too scared to go either. Seeing him would've seemed so final… But, lucky for me, someone had cancelled her appointment which was supposed to take place the following day… today. Well lucky and lucky, this is not something I'm gladly about to do. Get rid of the baby that is.

John would kill me if he knew.

So, I am walking down the street thinking of him when it happens. I glance to my right, then to my left to see if it is safe enough to cross the road and without thinking it more I step into the driveway. I don't see the car coming closer, not till it almost touches me but that's when someone pulls my arm and makes me land on my ass. Whoah, that was close! It hurts a little which always sucks, but I'm pretty sure being hit by a car would've hurt more. The driver didn't even stop the car to see if I'm alright, just speeds away. Asshole. So, I get up to thank the unknown person picking up my purse, but the thank you gets forgotten the minute I look up…

I freeze.

Which one surprised me more? Being almost hit by a car or the person who just saved my life?

"Are you ok?" She asks.

Are you ok? Do you really want to know or are you just being polite? Am I ok? No.

"I'm fine, thanks", I say. A lie.

What the hell are you doing here? Who are you?

"Anytime." She smiles.

Guess we're even now, huh?

"I… I need to go." I move to leave, but she stops me by grabbing my arm. My eyes shoot up to glare into hers.

"No, don't! I know what you're gonna do and trust me, Kate, it's not a good idea."

I try to shake my arm to free myself from her grip, but surprisingly she lets my arm go and takes a step backwards.

"What's going on?"

She laughs. Why? It's not that weird for one to ask that kind of question in a situation like this, is it? All the sudden I'm mad at her and I don't know why.

"What's going on? Well you see, a car was about to run over you and I didn't exactly feel like letting you or your baby get slashed… you have no idea how important it is for you to give that baby a chance to live." Her tone is beyond sarcastic and even though I'd like to make some witty remark, I can't. I don't know what to say. Confusion fills my head up, messes everything up.

"Who are you?" I whisper not being able to control my voice, "How do you know about that?" The icky feeling somewhere in the back of my mind just grows stronger and stronger…. the only way she could know this all is if she's…

"I'm… from the future, Kate."

Fuck. She looks sad, almost vulnerable to me. Well, it's none of my business! I don't care from where you are, it doesn't have anything to do with me! I force my chin up saying; "I'm not gonna keep this baby."

"I know." Why does she smile like that, like she'd know it all? I hate her already and I don't even know her.

"How do you think I knew you'd be here Kate?" She continues before I have time to say anything. I shrug but the words refuse to come out of my mouth… I don't know… "I knew it because the last time you were heading towards abortion clinic you got hit by a car."

Automatically I shake my head denying her words. No, that's not true. "But… But…"

"You also lost the baby."

How can she say those words with such a cold, harsh voice? It takes all my willpower and strength to sound as cold as she does. "Why should I give birth to it then? It died in your time, what's it gonna change?"

She nods admitting. "Yes, that's true. And that's also how John found out you were pregnant and it ruined your marriage."

The shock hits me in waves. Breathe Kate, breathe. "Why should you care?"

"… I just do. It doesn't matter. What matters is that you can't kill this baby. You regretted it for the rest of your life and I don't want to see you repeat that mistake."

Frustration and worry, it's what I can hear in her voice. "I don't understand this."

"It's not needed for you to understand, just believe me. Kate, you have a second chance to make it all better. I'm offering you something so valuable that you wouldn't believe. Just take it, use it and change it."

Just take it, she says, use it and change it. Change what? Why? Maybe she's a goddamn new kind of terminator only designed to fuck up my life. Maybe she's the enemy? Maybe she's lying to me? How can I be sure of anything?

"What are you getting out of this?"

Again, she shrugs. "Hopefully I'll be able to stop the Judgment Day and protect your marriage while doing so."

Something flashes in her eyes that I can't recognize… something like unbearable pain and suffering. Did she just remember something horrible that happened in the war? "We already stopped the Judgment Day", I exclaim carefully. I may not like her, but even then adding other's pain isn't my favorite thing to do.

"No, you postponed it, again. I need to see your father Kate. I need to tell him something."

* * *

****

Present time

Cartoons. What's with them? Are they supposed to be funny? I don't get it. There are… _things_ chasing each other, hitting each other with some kind of stupid hammers, exploding bombs and doing insane stuff and that's supposed to make me laugh? No way in hell. If people actually knew what kind of world this will be, they wouldn't be making fun of this kind of stuff.

Christ. I turn off the TV sighing and throw the remote controller on the sofa beside me. Old grumpy-looking cat rubs herself against my leg hinting me to pet it but I'm too tired to bend down to actually do that.

Closing my eyes I lean back. What in earth am I supposed to do now? Where am I supposed to go?

I called dad earlier. The voice answering the phone made my heart skip a beat and at first I didn't realize it was an answering machine instead of him. I know it was him though, I'd recognize that voice even if I was sleeping. It felt like I would've been anyway. You know the feeling when you can't honestly say if you're sleeping or awake? That's how the moment seemed to me. Only when I heard his voice again I woke up,

I knew I shouldn't have been surprised, I did call him but I didn't expect him to answer.

No, I was already leaving a voice message to Robin when the line suddenly clicked and nervous male voice said: "hello?" Yeah, just hello and nothing else. But I knew it was him.

"Who is this?"

You can't tell him your real name, I reminded myself. You can't tell him who you really are. Robin would kill me. Then what am I gonna say? How can I explain that a 10 years old girl knows something that might actually save the world and stop the Judgment Day? Well, I came to the conclusion I should start with what matters the most.

With me. "My… my name's Sarah." I can hear him draw a breath. "I need to speak to a Robin. Is she there?"

My way of thinking is very simple, but I think it's only fair when I haven't even gotten real boobs yet. If Robin hasn't met dad, he would have probably said it's a wrong number and then… well, I don't know what I would have done then. I figured I should worry that when the time comes.

"Who are you?"

He didn't mean my name, did he? The smile on my face was wider than ever. His tone of voice clearly told he had met her. Wohoo!

"I told you, I'm Sarah", I said and continued, "I followed Robin… from the future."

I know what Robin will do to me when I finally meet her. She'll smack me and yell at me and she'll be pissed off. It's ok, I deserve that and I'll smack her right back after that. She deserves it too. The one thing dad's been constantly saying to us all is that you do not mess with the timeline. What will be, will be and that's the end of it. I don't know what's the big fuss, the terminator changed the timeline when he went back to save my parents… but still, Robin broke that rule by coming here and left no choice for me. Dad can't help her from the future. Neither could I, but I can do it here. And she needs me even though she doesn't know it yet.

I may be ten, well eleven soon, but I'm not stupid. Saving the world is rough stuff, but we'll figure it out. Hopefully. Dad and mom did and I have their genes, right? How hard can it be?

My eyes snap open when I hear the doorbell ring.

* * *

A/N: "Jillian" by Within Temptation 


	9. Chapter 8

**Title:** Questioning Fate

**Author:** Syrai

**Rating: **PG-13 for now anyway (for language)

**Genre:** Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

**Pairings:** Kate/John/New character triangle

**Status: **WIP

**Summary: **Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N # 1:** What can I say? I know I'm slow but no, I'm not giving up on this story. It will get its ending one way or another. Eventually.Short chapter I know, blame the lack of time! I know I do.

* * *

****

8

I don't wanna see you ever sad/And everything that I've got you can have

When it's all too much/You need some human touch

To see that it's really not so bad/Did you call on every saint you know

But still you feel like you're on your own/Can you see through your tears

I will always be here/And you're not out there all alone

Hold on, 'till you feel a little stronger/Hold on to me

Hold on, everything's gonna be alright/Just hold on to me tonight

Anything that hurts you, hurts me too/I´m not gonna let your world turn blue

Will you take my hand/And feel how close I am

There ain't nothin' I won't do for you

* * *

The girl standing in front of me has this look on her face I could swear I've seen before. Determination beyond limits. The kind that tells me she's serious. Without saying anything, she steps aside letting me enter the comfy-looking little lobby. I close the door behind me. Before the door closes, I can hear a dog barking somewhere. Soon it's accompanied by a woman yelling; telling it to shut the hell up. Only, she's using a lot more rude language. 

When my attention is drawn back to the girl I can't for some reason, really say anything nor can I remove my gaze from her. I just stand still and look at her. She's not tall, but she's not really short either. But then, she's a child, so. By her looks I'd say she's something between 10 and 13 years old but I could be wrong. Underneath a way too big T-shirt there's a muscular young warrior who obviously has set her mind on something. One look into the deep blue eyes and you know it. Still, she somehow looks like she'd be out of her place and well, in a way she is, isn't she? Detached from her time. I feel sorry for her, I guess, but I know better not to show it to her.

"Hello", a warm voice says behind the silent girl and I look up to see an old woman there, standing protectively behind her shoulders. "I'm Gloria", she continues carefully shattering what was left of the bizarre moment and I nod not knowing if I should go and shake her hand or something. "John", I reply deciding not to move, only nod politely. Maybe it's best if I stay a little farther away from the girl; I don't want to scare her. Although, something tells me this girl doesn't get scared that easily.

The woman coughs, obviously feeling the need to break the uneasy silence even though from my opinion, there's no need for it. "Yes, I found this young beautiful, sweet girl lying on the ground earlier. She said-"

The glare _Gloria_ receives from the girl silences her in a blink of an eye but I have no idea why. Is there something I should know? What a stupid question to ask; isn't there always?

"Right, yes, I'll go to the living-room then. It was nice to meet you _John_, you take good care of her." Without really waiting for my reply she lovingly squeezes the girl by the shoulders as if she had been looking after the girl for her whole life. Which she obviously hasn't done. "You ok now, Sarah?"

Sarah… automatically the name brings my mother to my mind. I wonder if her parents named her Sarah, as a tribute to my mother or if it was just pure coincidence. I make a mental note to remind me that it's a question I should definitely look into. Later, of course.

The girl, Sarah, nods her head staring straight at me. For few seconds she just examines me with her eyes, probably trying to figure out what to say or do. Almost as if she was trying to decide whether to trust me or not. Well, wouldn't surprise me. Then she finally throws another glance over her shoulder, but this time she's smiling shyly. "I'm gonna be fine. Thanks Gloria, I'll tell Robin you took care of me." That is Gloria's cue to disappear.

_Robin._ She seems to be the key-character of some sort, doesn't she? Everything is somehow bound to her. Surprisingly, I'm not that shocked or amazed by this sudden twist – a young girl calling me and telling she's from the future… so no, not shocked, just a bit confused. After being almost killed by a goddamn future-machine, there's not much that can actually surprise me these days. To anyone else this might be a weird, unbelievable moment; a young girl, claiming to be from the future but no, not to me.

"We should go", Sarah finally speaks directly to me with somewhat firm voice. It's a demand, not a pleading and I see no reason to disagree with her. At that that point, I don't dare to disagree, really. "Alright."

"I'm ready when you are", she adds cheerfully, "TDF didn't really let me take anything with me, you know." I suppose I do know. If I had met her on the street, I wouldn't have been able to tell she's from the future. She's a bright child, mature one too and the way she presents herself makes me wonder. She doesn't look like someone who's lived her whole life in the middle of a war…

"Yeah…" I start, "I hope you don't mind, but we're gonna have to walk home. Robin took the car."

"Fine", she says and shrugs somewhat casually. I don't know what I expected her to say, but that's not it. I can't help but add that the place is nearby, but to that, she only lets out a snort. "I didn't ask, I don't care. I'm fine with walking." I forgot, she's a soldier, right?

"Oh you two, don't be silly. I'll drive you", Gloria's voice comes from the living-room and within a second, she's again there, standing behind Sarah's back. Should've known; I didn't really think she had gone too far anyway.

"Kind of you, but-"

The old woman cuts me off by a rejecting wave, and says: "I insist. The poor girl's been through enough, it's the least I can do."

What else can I do but agree? She has, yeah. She's been through all kinds of things, I assume. Worse stuff than I've ever ran into, worse than Gloria… All those things I see nightmares about, she's seen. And this is a child we're talking about here, a kid that should've grown up around other children in a place where you don't have to be afraid all the time. She doesn't smile, but I see Gloria, as expected, does.

I wonder… she hasn't asked what's going on. Gloria, I mean. She hasn't questioned me about anything at all, hasn't shown a single sign of frustration. Just how much has Sarah told Gloria? How much does she know?

"I take that as a yes", Gloria says after I say nothing. "That's a yes", Sarah says suddenly. "I can just tell. It always is."

And she knows this… because?

* * *

I thought I could handle it, I honestly did. I thought I could act normally and pretend it's not a big deal that he's here, but I can't do that. Well no, in the outside it probably looks that nothing is wrong, but in the inside… I can feel it roaming around my stomach. Nasty feeling. He's my father, after all and it's hard when I can't let him know that. Every word I say I must rethink first so that I won't give out anything too important. It's tough, because there's nothing I want more than to be able to tell it to him. To make him proud of me, even if it's the younger version of him. _This,_ I try telling myself, _is not my dad. This is who he was._

I can't tell him that, can't tell him anything. I don't know how much Robin has told him, if anything at all. She shouldn't have told, anyway. Even though there's no one here that could pinpoint all the rules Robin has broken if she has told him, or the ones I've ignored, that's still the one we have to follow no matter what. Fate can be altered, but it shouldn't. That's what he's told me since the day I was born and that's the only thing I need to remember.

I follow him in silence, as he follows Gloria to her car. I don't know about the laws of this world, I don't, but to me she looks a bit too old to drive. Then again, the Resistance doesn't really care how old you are, maybe it's the same here. Besides, she's not _that_ old when you think of it. Around early seventies maybe? The hell should I know.

Before I know it, we're already sitting in the car, driving towards the told destination. Dad… John, he keeps telling Gloria where to drive, but all the instructions slip through my mind. All I can hear is his voice. It's so different somehow. Everything is different. I have to focus, I can't let my mind wonder because if I do that, I will start observing the buildings around us… I will be astonished by all these fascinating sights and if I let my guard down like that, there's a chance my future won't turn out to be so bright. It'll turn out to be the same. I know I can't go back into my time. I don't know what will happen to me, whether I'll be trapped into this time for the rest of my life or whether I'll, at some point, vanish. Not like I've done this before, you know. And I'm no scientist. I did what I felt had to be done and didn't really think further. Yeah, maybe I should've done it.

I blame my parents. That's from where I got my DNA, after all.

The ringing phone startles me, makes me literally jump on the seat. Soon after John – _not dad, John, Sarah_ – locates the vibrating phone from the pocket of his jacket and picks it up. Though I remember dad telling me his life changed after he met my mother; that he stopped running, it's still weird seeing him act so… casually. Like he'd be any normal guy. I suppose he is; no one really knows what's to come. Or what he's to become. Dad telling me that stuff is not the only thing I remember, oh no. I remember Robin commenting how staying still like a sitting duck had was the most stupid thing dad ever did. He said something back to her with a biting tone, but I didn't hear what it was. It did silence her though.

"You're taking her to see your father?"

The question spoken by slightly raised voice catches my attention quickly. Who taking and where? "Fine… ok… listen… listen…" he breaths in, trying to keep it calm, " something's happened. I'll come there." A pause. "Yes. Yes, really, everything's ok… I'll be there."

Hanging the phone and turning to look at Gloria, he says: "There isn't any chance you'd be willing to drive us a little bit farther, is there?"

I can't see the look on her face as she glances to her side, but even I can spot the consent as she speaks: "It just so happens, that I am."

Duh.

* * *

The homeless man, usually drunk of course, had been guarding his little street for few days and during those few days, he had seen more weird stuff happen than he had seen during his whole alcohol-filled life. At first he had thought it was just because of the amount of boost he had drank, but now it seemed like he was sobering and yet, there it was. Pulling his head closer to his shoulders and the collar of his jacket to put an end to the cold breeze hitting his face, he kept walking towards the weird-looking light that for a short period of time lit the whole ally. Glancing over his shoulder, he realized that just like before, no one else had paid attention the blue, sparkling light that was already fading. 

What was that? Was there..?

He stopped, hesitating. Was there a naked man lying on the ground? Yes, there was!

What seemed like a pile of entangled limbs moved suddenly and the figure got on his feet. There was a cold, steely look covering his face, the kind that made the homeless man take a step backwards. Well, actually he was more bothered by the red color of his eyes… they weren't red like if he had drank 7 days straight, but red as if someone had inserted lamps behind his eyes.

That was not normal.

Could it be this was just some after-effect slowly sobering caused?

The naked stranger tilted his head to one side and even to where he was standing, he could hear the metallic click. The next his hands made few rather uncontrolled twitches and the same happened with his legs and body. Then, the figure walked.

Sober as ever, but still the homeless man couldn't bring himself to move. So he only stared how he – _no, it_, he decided – approached him with shaky steps that were getting more and more balanced by ever single one it took. He watched how it walked to him and stopped only few inches away. At first he thought he should scream, but something kept him silent. Hallucination, it was the only excuse he could make for himself… But then, he clearly heard how its neck made yet another click as it bent and its eyes brushed over the a lot shorter man.

"C-clothes."

The stuttering word was the last thing he ever heard.

* * *

**A/N # 2:** The lyrics "Hold on" by Jamie Walters 


	10. Chapter 9

**Title:** Questioning Fate

**Author:** Syrai

**Rating:** PG-13 for now anyway (for language)

**Genre:** Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

**Pairings:** Kate/John/New character triangle

**Status: **WIP

**Summary:** Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N # 1:** I am aware of the fact there's not much action itself in the fic here and for those who love action-filled fics, I'm sorry. Maybe perhaps we'll eventually get there but for now, I'm writing the fic as it wants to be written. It's not asking my opinion when it comes out, so… whenever I write this one, I'm on this dream-alike mood and I can't help it.

* * *

****

9

It's so hard  
so hard to think about when I was child  
so angry at life  
I blamed the world for such a long, long time  
But Things happened so quickly  
some people just go  
I needed answers to heal me  
I wanted to know how to get by  
and now its my turn to say

This is all for you  
everything in this world  
everything in my world  
everything in your world  
things wont always go right in this life  
there's always changes  
we'll make it

John would kill me if he knew what I've done. He'd have every reason to. As long as I can remember he's always put weight on only one of his rules. It's the famous 'you-do-not-mess-with-the-timeline-ok?' rant he always gives out whenever he sees it fit the occasion. Even when it doesn't, actually. Truth is, I don't even know why he keeps repeating it to the soldiers every day when they already know it from word to word. Not like he'd send a soldier of his to the past every goddamn day to change something. He rarely does.

But yet, the future John had been told would come, never did. Things changed.

That's what he said.

I'm not sure how it happened. One time I asked him what he meant by it, but he just said we were supposed to be in a time loop, that's all. Paced around the room talking more to himself than to me, really, saying all these insane sentences I couldn't understand. Said things were supposed to happen again and again and again and sending anyone back to change something was not only stupid but waste of time, too. Not worth the try anymore. The path had changed, he shouted, but the outcome would stay the same. I think it was the frustration that spoke, not John. He was frustrated, but I'm not sure why. If the future had changed, how could the outcome still be the same? Or maybe that's what frustrated him.

I think he tried to change the future without interfering with the past. How could that be done? What is so important in his past that cannot be redone other ways?

I don't get it.

If the future, my time, had already changed somehow, doesn't it mean the time loop he says we were supposed to live in has been broken? Why couldn't he just reveal the big secret to me and help me understand? Why hide it all from me? I can't help but wonder if I have something to do with it all? What if… no, it's not possible. I'm not the center of the world, he is.

In my time, we were getting the upper-hand, weren't we? But then, for some reason, he gave up on hope. After Joy died he simply gave up. Kate's death was what started it, though, losing our child was just what added to it. I always hoped I could replace hid first wife somehow… but you can't fill a whole like that. No matter how you try. And you shouldn't either.

I wish I had the answers, but I don't. John's better with this stuff, he understands what it's all about. Time, future, past… Before losing faith, John said there's no fate but what we make. That we have to change things ourselves. I'm making fate, am I not? I'm _forcing_ things to change.

Kate, she lost her baby in my time. I know it because John has spoken about it and whenever he does that, he turns into this cold, angry person. Bitter. He withdraws into his own world and refuses to let me console him and there's not a damn thing I can do to change it.

Expect this. I can try and erase the source of pain.

I don't know if what I'm doing will change everything or if it's as John would nowadays say, waste of time. I think I'm doing the right thing, but in the end I'll be forced to accept that nothings has changed? I messed up the past but the future is still there. Untouched. The fate keeps making itself and that's it?

I try to hide the yawn by covering my mouth with my hand. Not that anyone would actually notice me anyway, they're too busy trying to figure out what the hell is going on. Trying to figure out why I'm here. Whether I can be trusted.

I cast a stolen glance upon the man sitting on the piano chair at the other end of the room. He's talking with his daughter, but I can't hear the exchanged words. I think I heard the word 'Ellie' once, but I'm not sure. Maybe they're arguing whether to let her in their secret or not. Doesn't matter. She'll find out, but not yet. I know this because I've met her before.

Younger Robert Brewster is not what I expected him to be. I don't know what it is that I expected then, but somehow he's different from the man I've met in the future once before his death. He's more… intelligent. Maybe that's because of Ellie? She often gives the wrong impression of herself anyway and honestly, you can't think that the one to marry her would be any smarter. Really, Ellie isn't stupid per se… just little challenged in that department. Reckless. Idiotic, even. And by how it seems, she truly doesn't change that much during the years to come.

John told me Kate never got along with Ellie and I have no hard time imagining it. Whereas Kate is, as much as I hate to admit it, mature and capable… she's, well, the opposite.

It amuses me even though I know it's mean to take pleasure out of other's agony. It's just that… What Kate doesn't and I of course have no intentions to tell, is that Ellie and her father will get married. What she doesn't know is that she will have a healthy baby brother a year before she dies. James Brewster. He was born only 5 months before Kate gave birth to Reese, actually. Hopefully… he will still be born. Both of them. Only now… My breathing is cut out for a few minutes… I seem to realize that what I've done will not only affect my life and John's, but others too.. and for a fleeing moment, all I want is to undo everything.

How could I have not thought of that before?

"I think I heard a car", Kate says suddenly, cutting off my thoughts. "It must be John."

That should make me relieved. It'll be over soon. But somehow, all I can feel is… fear. I can't move or say anything. I sit there on the sofa where they guided me half an hour before and just watch how she runs out of the living-room to welcome her husband leaving me and her father alone.

This is it.

Now I'm going to have to tell them why I'm here, but at the same time, I have to be careful not to tell too much… I've already told them things I should've told but I can't take them back, now can I?

I hear their footsteps approaching me from behind, but strangely, it seems John's not alone. With whom could he have come? Even though I feel the burning desire to look over my shoulder, I don't. Can't bare the sight of Kate and John together… Gods, if they're holding hands or something, I swear I'll break something. My heart, for one.

Finally, they reach the sofa.

* * *

It feels weird. To be holding my father's hand without him knowing who I am. To be walking next to my mother, who's been dead for years now… and to see the look on her face as her eyes met his. To be in this world before my time and know that I'll never get back to where I belong… It feels weird just to be me right now, not caring what'll happen to me in the end. I just want them to be ok. 

This is what I wanted, isn't it?

I see Robin right away. I can only see her back though, but it's all I need to be able to tell it's her sitting there, waiting for us to reach her. She doesn't turn her gaze to greet us, but it's not like I thought she would anyway. When she finally does turn to look at us, it takes a second for her to understand what she's seeing. To realize it's really me.

"_Sarah?_" She whispers my name. Dad… John he doesn't look to be surprised but my… Kate, she does. Almost as confused as Robin, I think.

I know there's a list of things Robin wants to say to me. A list of curses and shouts she wants to throw to my face for doing something as stupid as this, but we both know she can't do it as long as Kate and John are standing next to us. Lucky me, don't you think?

I let go of his hand without thinking twice and throw myself into her arms. As weird as it may sound… even though there's my real mother standing there, Robin is my only sanctuary here. Because she is the only one to whom I don't have to lie and pretend I'm someone else. She knows what I'm going through.

"What the hell are you doing here?" She asks, grabbing my shoulders and pushing me farther away as if to examine I'm all in one piece. When she's sure I'm all there, she pulls me into a tight hug and yet again, I'm being pushed farther away. She looks like she'd be ready to burst into tears, but being her, she controls herself better than that.

When I feel brave enough again, I pull back and sit down next to her. ¨I… I needed to come", I say, "I found out something."

Robin is about to ask something when Kate's shrieking interrupts her. "Time out", she says with a raised voice fingers on each side of her forehead. "Just hold on! I want to know what's going on." First her gaze turns to meet my father. "John?"

But John, he doesn't have an answer to give and so her gaze brushes over me and Robin.

"Robert… Kate…" It's Robin I hear speaking. She's really going to tell them, isn't she? Darnie. If dad knew… he'd be so mad. To think of it, it would've been best for her to meet Robert alone. Why didn't she?

"Skynet is going to get reactivated. The virus you thought you buried has found a way to come back."

First there's silence. Then it's broken by one simple comment… What Kate says summons it up pretty well. "Oh fuck." I don't know what's going on inside her head, but it's pretty clear she's not happy with what she's hearing. None of us is. Who would be happy to know you might be dead sooner than you thought?

"I see", Robert speaks with familiar, friendly voice, "And who is this?" I raise my head to look at the figure standing next to the black piano. The undefined familiarity seems to be radiating from him, even though the last time I saw my grandpa, I was four or five or something. I don't remember it of course, but dad said it was Monday he told me grandpa had been killed. At the time, I was too young to understand what the words meant. For two months, I kept asking when he would come back, but eventually I gave up… I understood he wouldn't. That's when I grew up. People die.

"I'm Sarah. I'm-"

That's when Robin naturally runs to my rescue. She's probably fearing I'll be stupid enough to tell the truth. "My niece", she blurts out hastily and lands a hand on my tight. I can tell she's extremely nervous and me being here is probably a big part of it.

But come on. Her niece? What a brilliant cover story… not.

"Alright", Robert continues and suddenly pauses pensively, "Robin, was it?" She only nods. "How does it wake up then?"

"I have no idea-"

AHA! I know this one! "I do!" I cut into the conversation and raise my arm to make sure I'm getting all the attention. Which I am, naturally, since it's very unlikely for a girl of my age to _know_ something about a situation like this one. "That's why I'm here." A swallow. "I found out how it's to happen."

Robin turns to look at me with a questioning face. She can't believe her ears and neither can any one else in the room. "Did… John tell you this?" For the first time ever I know something she doesn't know and strangely, it feels… great. Damn I'm good.

"Yes, he did."

At first she looks like she wouldn't believe me, but then it seems she changes her minds. Really, in our future, is anything impossible anymore? "What did he say?"

I wonder if this is how dad felt when he was younger. He wasn't that much older when he met his first terminator, now was he? No. Did he feel this… special too? Special and important? He must have! Of course, ever since he was born he knew what would happen but that was when he finally accepted it. Understood that his mother in fact, was not insane. Did he feel like this then? Strong? That's me right now. Strong.

"I don't know how, but somehow they found out that the machines are sending a terminator back in time."

"A terminator?" Robin repeats the word sounding as if I had just punched her in the face. Both Kate and John stare at me with disbelieving eyes and Robert, I don't know about him. He looks like he was deep in his thoughts to me. I don't remember if he always looked like this. Undefined.

"Yes."

Robin's the first one to get over the shock, as expected. "Why? I don't understand this."

Of course she doesn't. How could she? "To reactivate the virus", I explain, "You came here to…" I pause. I don't know. Why exactly did she come? She said she knew something dad didn't. What is it? She didn't know what I'm telling them; what else could it be? "-to stop the judgement day without knowing how it'll be started. That's how."

Then I hear John clear his throat. "What exactly did he - _I_ tell you?" The way he speaks shows he's not completely comfortable with the thought of his future self-portrait knowing things he doesn't know yet.

Here goes nothing. "You told me that this model has been apparently produced only to reactive the virus. It doesn't have any weapons but the ones it collects. It's not smart and it can't really think for itself. It's programmed to activate the thing and…" I pause only because I feel it's what I'm supposed to do before saying something like that. "John, he supposes… supposed… whatever… that it's next target would be to kill… you know, _you_ in case you survive from the nuclear bomb."

Now John's finally getting the hang of it. Suddenly I don't feel so sure about myself anymore and I fidget on the seat. What if I've done something wrong? What if I've given out too much information? I mean, how the hell can I tell the difference between need-to-know-info and not-need-to-know? I can't.

"Wait, so you're saying this terminator is not as efficient as the others I've met have been."

I smile. See, I knew he's always been smart! "Bingo."

* * *

There's something about the girl… something that I can't put my finger on, but which at the same time, puzzles me. She doesn't look to be like one from the fucked up future, that's for sure, and the way she acts creeps me. We're talking about war and she sits there looking like she'd enjoy every second of our conversation. 

And besides, she's a child! The question I never intended to ask, slips out anyway. "How the hell can you know all this? You're like ten!"

The comment I made doesn't seem to please her. At least the glare I receive hints so. "Almost 11!" She barks, "and hey, I've lived in the future, Kate. It's not like you can play with toys in there. It's war. You think I've never been part of it?"

What am I supposed to say? What am I even supposed to think at this point? I knew this would happen, I knew our peaceful life would be shattered but… I guess I didn't expect it to happen this soon. Not now. I have enough things to worry about without the world ending! Automatically my hand climbs up to meet my stomach…

"Your parents must have been insane-" I snort, "-if they let you be in the middle of it all."

Fine, I have to admit, what do I know about the future, anyway? What do I know how adults raise their children when there's nothing but burning buildings and dead bodies around you to be seen? How can you even raise a child in a world like that? Just the thought makes sick to my stomach, reminding me of what's underneath my skin… not that I'd need a reminder. A baby that was never suppose to be born. After hearing what Robin told me, can I still do it? Of course. Maybe this time I can do it without John finding out, assuming what she told me was the truth, that is… But do I really want to risk it?

I snap out of my thoughts expecting to see a offended girl glaring at me, but the girl is stronger than you'd think. The smile she abandoned has found its way back to her lips and she replies: "I agree. They are."

How weird, really… I thought she'd throw a tantrum. I just did insult her parents, after all. But the only emotion her face shows is amusement.

"Like mother like daughter", says Robin suddenly underneath her breath and though I'm curious to find out what the remark meant, I bite my tongue. It's none of my business, now is it? As far as I know, her parents might be dead and it'd be cruel of me to make another rude comment.

So instead, I say nothing.

* * *

What am I supposed to be feeling, huh? All I can hear echoing in my mind is my mother's voice… telling me to be strong. That I can do it… that I can win if I want to. Fuck that, all of it. I've been strong. I've been strong ever since I was a little boy and this is what I get. Shit pouring down onto me and the ones I love. A disaster after another. This is how losing faith must feel like. I admit I knew it… _this_ would happen. But somehow, I always thought it would happen later. That we'd get to live, first. I mean, I've already beaten few of those fucking machines. How many are they going to send? 

Honestly, how many times do I have to go through the same battle? How many times can one man win? What are the odds? Is that what they've counting on… calculated. That one of these days I'll fail. I'm only a human, after all.

God this so fucked up. In only few days everything has turned upside down… Carefully I let my gaze meet the strangers sitting on the sofa. Something about those two bothers me more than I can understand. Who are they? Who is this strong, independent woman who claims to my one of my recruits? If that's so, then why do I get the feeling she's lying? And the girl? A niece? Bullshit. If that's her niece, I'm a goddamn saint. What is it that they're not telling us? I know asking will do me no good. Robin is obviously good in what she does… a true warrior. And well, the girl doesn't seem to be too far from it either. A fighter, definitely. I can try as much as I want, but the only way to get them talk… is to make the slip something. Sure, but how am I gonna do that? Only one solution makes my brain cells move… fury, rage, emotions.

I think angering a child is not the best way to go; to get what I want… But I don't know if I want to make Robin furious either. Something in her eyes tells me she's been through a life shitty enough as it is and I don't think she can handle much more. She acts like there's nothing she can do, but it's all it is. An act. She's not a superhuman and she needs to realize it.

"What are we supposed to do?" Robert's question brings me back to reality. I blink removing my gaze from Robin's delicate figure to Kate, who seems to be eyeing me suspiciously. She doesn't say anything, only turns to look at the child with the same kind of question in her eyes that I have in mine.

"Stop it", Robin replies as it was the easiest thing to do. "Can't you find out if there's something unusual going on? I mean, you have the access to the Pandora's box." Robert's jaw tenses as she speaks the words and we all know why. Reminding him it indeed was partly his fault skynet was about to get loose in the first place is mean, but it's something we can't avoid.

Not only that, she's right about Robert having the needed access. He acknowledges it too and only nods saying: "I'll make a phone-call." There's a shadow underneath his eyes… I can tell he's as worried as I am. Why wouldn't he be? I bring my hand up to rub my eyes. I feel tired, tired of this all. He walks out of the room without further ado, not that we'd expect him to say anything else. Or need.

"Do we have an exact date when it's supposed to happen?" Kate asks, surprising me. It's not the kind of question I thought she'd ask. Then again, I didn't expect her to stay with me after what happened to her… I can't say the word, can't even think of it. What happened to her boyfriend. Yes, much more better thought like that. It was just a boyfriend. Yet she did, proved me wrong.

"Well.. if everything goes like in my time, that leaves us three days before the world is blown up..." Robin says. Wait, when I asked, she said she didn't know! Lying son of a bitch. I glare at her and make sure she knows exactly what I am thinking. Looking away, she adds: "Starting tomorrow."

"Great", I can't help but groan, "Just love when the end of the world gives us a schedule."

* * *

**A/N:** Lyrics 'Best I am' by Flaw.

In case you want to know what happens next… review, ok? It'll make my day so much happier.


	11. Chapter 10

**Title:** Questioning Fate

**Author:** Syrai

**Rating: **PG-13 for now anyway (for language)

**Genre:** Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

**Pairings:** Kate/John/New character triangle

**Status: **WIP

**Summary: **Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N # 1:** Thank you for reviewing, it gets me writing every time. Special thanks go to Mat for making me, eh, blush. What, I can't be blamed - a girl loves hearing compliments! Hope you guys still like where I'm going with this. I know the concept of time traveling is complicated, but I think I've explained it as well as I could in the chapters… still, if you got questions or want to point out my irrational logic and all the other little flaws, do so. I'm not saying I'll care of pay any attention to them, but heh, still.

It's been so long since I could write this that I feel my style has changed completely. The same plot remains but how I'm telling it has changed which makes the fic a lot longer than I originally planned it and I'm sorry. Blame the writer's block or whatever. I feel like I'm going too slow but damnit, I don't feel like the quick phase would fit the fic either so I'm sort of in the middle of dilemma here.

* * *

**10**

The truth is that I'm not so good

At showing how I feel.

Or keeping my mouth shut

When there's something to conceal.

Or knowing how to love,

Love's not in my memories

How can I rise above

All my insecurities

The room is dark, but seeing in the dark has never been difficult for me. All I can hear is my breathing and Sarah's. She's lying in the bed next to me breathing so quietly that anyone else wouldn't even know she's there, but I've grown accustomed to it. I've learnt to hear it. If I moved now, she'd wake up; she'd open her eyes, fully-awake and scan the surroundings around her without moving a muscle. During that, she wouldn't even breathe. It's how life in the future works. It doesn't matter whether she breathed or not, her location would probably be exposed anyway at that point, but it's better to be safe than sorry.

I thought I knew what's going on. I thought I was aware of the situation as it is, but now it seems, something's just not right. Something's changed and I'm not sure if it's because I'm here or because Sarah is here, but I know it's changed. This is what he meant by saying 'butterfly effect' that night, isn't it?

Seriously, what the fuck am I doing here anyway? Did I really think I could change something without making a mess while at it? Nothing's ever that simple, you know that Robin. So why bother?

I keep asking that time after time after time, but though I know the answer, I can't say it. I'm sure John asks the same question too… actually, he has already asked it. But what he doesn't know, and I can never tell, is that I'd do anything to avoid the future I've seen. Not only did those fucking shitheads kill my child, they ruined my marriage. There's just gotta be a limit somewhere; there's only so much you can handle. I met my limit. That's why I'm here. Right?

Shit, why am I even thinking about it anymore? What's done is done. I can't go back in time anymore, I can't change anything… anything but the future. That's what I need to focus on. What to do next. What matters now is what Sarah told me. A terminator… out there, somewhere. Waiting to be terminated. Shit.

John and Kate trust me to stop the judgment day… Sarah too, I suppose. But now that I think of it… maybe I really didn't come here to stop it from happening. Maybe I know it cannot be stopped… so, maybe I came here only to modify the outcome of it. Maybe I'm just full of bullshit and I came here to escape the reality… my reality.

_The best way to predict future is to invent it._ I read it somewhere. It's what I'm clinging onto right now. It's all I've got.

I can't sleep. Every time I've closed my eyes images of past… of my past keep rewinding themselves in front of my eyes. It's like watching home video with crappy sounds. And so, to end the torture, I get up as slowly and carefully as possible. The last thing I want is to wake up Sarah… I gave her a lecture already before I nagged her to bed, but I think I might give it a second go. Of course, telling her how irresponsibly she has acted by coming here only made her snort in that childish way of hers and point out that the one I should be lecturing was myself. She earned another death glare for that one.

I walk to the door and open it without so much as breathing. Slowly, I slide through the opening and close the door behind me. Mission accomplished. I wonder if they have ice cream in the freezer?

"Do you not realize that you can never go back? Never. You are never seeing Reese again. You understand me?" I hissed through gritted teeth hoping that there was no one behind our bedroom's door listening to our argument. Up till this day, I still have not figured how it's possible for an adult to have a real and on top of all, an intelligent argument with ten years old girl, but as so many times before… I was.

And damn, the kid does sometimes have fairly good points too. I hate it. It makes me proud of her, but nevertheless, I hate it. She should use those points only when fighting with her father.

She gave me an equally lethal glare before answering. "Not like I could do anything about it anymore, you know? I'm here and you're here and that's that." I swear I growled at that. "Stop nagging," she continued exhaling dramatically, "I've spent my whole life with him already. I was getting bored anyway…" She smiled, weakly. "…and if we can stop the war, he'll be fine."

Ah, yes, there lied the flaw of her brilliant plan. "Only…" I started, "he might not be born."

She snorted. Damn I hate that! "Yeah, well, whose fault is that? Who came here first?" Okay, fine, she caught me with that one. I looked away briefly before returning my glare into her eyes. Damn that child was not beating me in a verbal war, not again… Yeah, trust me, not the first time she was making my blood boil. I arrive into the kitchen after 2 minutes of sneaking around. Not bothering to lit the lights, I walk to the freezer and open it praying to heaven that I'll find what I'm looking for.

Chocolate ice cream. Oh thank God.

Finding a spoon is not difficult, but the minute the ice cream gets dumped into my mouth, the rest of my little lecture comes to my mind.

"I might not be born either," Sarah said with a stern voice, "Joy might not be born. We've changed everything."

I'll be damn. God, I know that already, ok? I couldn't reply so instead I said nothing. I mean, what can you say to that? Other than shut up? So, there was nothing I could've said.

Then a smile lit her face again and I frowned. What now? "I just wonder if I'll like fade away or something." Huh? I couldn't quite catch the point. Not until she lifted her hand to look at it and faked a shocked face. "One minute I'll look at my hand and -- OH MY GOD it's not there! You know?"

"Stop joking!" I screamed back at her… although the question did hit it's mark. I hadn't even thought what would happen to me or to her after all this. Would I change? Would I fade away? If I met… me.. would the world be off and explode like all the theories in movies said? It would shake the natural order of things… not that I hadn't done it already. Hell, if the world exploded, we wouldn't have to worry about the war. Yeah… not so tempting.

Sarah did notice my moment of pondering, but like always, she chose to ignore it. "Well you tell me what happens then. If I'm not gonna be born, how can I tell it? If nothing happens to me… 'cept that I won't be born, I can stay here and live my life happily ever after if we stop the war. Get a husband and kids and a house and a dog and I don't even need to be born again."

Just what the fuck was she saying? That she didn't care whether she'd born again or not? That she could pick up her life in here from where she left it in… there? Her kids would surely need some amount of therapy, I tell you that - with a mother that possesses that kind of logic, I would too. "A little too early to think about that stuff."

I admit. It was the only thing I could come up with.

She only shrugged. "Maybe… but you never know."

And that was that. I told her to zip it and never mention those theories to John or Kate or anyone else on the planet, including me, and then I told her that she should go to bed. She of course refused, being a child, saying she wanted to watch that box again - I assume she meant tv, although I can't understand why she'd call it a 'box' as she knows very well what the real name of the thing is… but about going to bed, I was very… determined.

…

No, actually, it was John who came to the room in the middle of our "you're going to bed - am not - are too - am not - are too - am not - you're too young to stay up this late - bite me - I will if you don't do as I'm saying - I dare you" conversation and asked, politely, if Sarah could do as she was told, because he wanted to change few words with me and it truly was late.

Ha, what a conversation had that been. Sarah had looked cranky and grumpy and all defeated, but I think she secretly loved the attention. This was her father, after all. I could feel something warm and fuzzy growing inside me… despite the situation being what it was… there were moments you could almost forget about the outside world. This was one of those. This was how things were supposed to be… only in the ideal picture there was Kate and not me… and that brought me back to reality.

So, after saying goodnight, he guided me out of the room into the hallway and into Robert's study. I was scared shitless. I'm not sure why. I just… was.

I saved myself however. Well, Robert did. He came to inform us that they were going through the database but that so far they had found no sign of skynet waking up. And while he explained it to John and me, I slowly made my exit and ran to take a shower. There's a lock in the door… and hey, I know John. With me in the shower, he wouldn't try to bust in - besides, Kate would kill him. So I stayed there… for about two hours.

* * *

The air is heavy. The room is too hot… but if I remove my shirt, I get cold. In every position my hand or leg or whatever goes stiff. Nothing is working for me at the moment… even Kate is snoring. All the thoughts in my head… they're keeping me awake. I don't want to sleep anyway, all the nightmares I've seen lately… I have a feeling this won't be peaceful night, is all.

So I sit up. No point in lying in the bed when all I can see is bright red eyes shining through fire. No point in torturing myself with images of the fire swallowing me, mom…

Sinking my head into my hands, I breathe in. Everything's so messed up right now that it feels like I'm suffocating. It's obvious that the future, well, future-me knows more stuff than I do at this point, but for some reason it seems I've never told Robin what's going on… and I wonder why. I mean, the most logical thing would be to share all information so that we could fight more efficiently? I don't understand this, not any of it really.

Two months ago I found my mother's journal. I have no idea why she didn't destroy it, but I suppose she wanted me to know her story so that I'd understand her better. To know her secrets… and to be ready. It was in a locker in some train station which I thought to be such a cliche that I actually at first thought it was a fucking joke. A letter addressed to me with my mother's hand-writing. The envelope said it shouldn't be opened before the said date and so her friends hadn't brought it to me. Well, a friend. Mom, she only had one trusted friend at the time she died that knew everything. Nico - she's a young Mexican girl that was taught to fight by my mother before she died. I don't know why. Was she trying to train me a wife?

I liked her; she was more like a sister to me than anything else really. So whatever mom had planned, wouldn't have worked anyway. Fate decided against it.

But two months ago, Nico appeared on our doorstep. She only gave the letter, smiled and gave me a kiss on the cheek, and left - at first I didn't even realize it was her. She'd grown up… and hey, she didn't even say a word. Not a single word, but then, that was how Nico was. When she didn't have anything to say, she was silent. I guess that's why mom liked her so much. Because she was different from all the other. She handed me letter and while reading it, I realized it had been written before my birth. A month or two, I'm not sure, there was no date. The envelope wasn't as old though, so I assume mom had decided only later to actually give the letter to me. It's honestly difficult to say what was going on in her mind before her death. She knew she'd die… the doctors were very specific about that one.

The letter. It only said I should go find the locker and use the key given in the envelope. And that's what I did… and that's how I found the journal telling me the story of my life. I know now who my father is or rather, will be. I know what I must do in the future to make sure I will be born… which if you ask me, is unbelievable and fucking complicated. I'm a living breathing result of a time loop which shouldn't be changed but altered at the same time? It's fucking unreal. No wonder people thought she's insane and locked her up into an institution. If I hadn't seen it all with my own two eyes, I would've thought she's insane too… I did for awhile, didn't I?

I mean what am I supposed to do? If the war doesn't break down on us, I won't meet him, I won't send him back in time… and that leaves me with what? I won't be born? But that doesn't make sense. I'm already born. So… what does that all mean? I'm thinking I really should've read advanced math at some point of my life. Things could be a bit clearer if I had.

Fuck it.

I get up from the bed and sigh. Glancing at the snoring figure I decide to make a trip to downstairs. I've never been able to sleep at Robert's anyway. Sleeping in her childhood room makes me feel as if I was doing something bad. Ruining her innocence or something as stupid as that. Don't ask me, I have no clue.

But so I exit the room as quietly as possible although I know not even an earthquake could wake her up. We're different in that department - even the slightest sound wakes me up and arouses my curiosity whereas there's nothing that can wake her up. I swear, not even a bucket of cold water would make a difference. She'd scream and probably fall back down and continue sleeping. She deserves the sleep anyway…

We had a fight tonight. Just before we went to bed 5 hours ago or so. I'm not even sure how it got started or why or by whom… but somehow it did. Suddenly there were tears and insults she kept throwing at me, saying how much easier her life would've been without me. She didn't mean any of it, she never does, but the words hurt anyway. Mainly, because I know it's all true. She's my fate. But as she pointed out, I recall myself yelling that I never wanted the future fate had in store for me… and she asked me where it leaves her. I couldn't answer, but not because I didn't love her, but because for a moment I really didn't know… I had never thought about it that way.

I had never thought she'd either. She asked me if I'm with her because I'm supposed to be and the silence she received she took as a yes. Which I didn't mean of course, but she's a woman and whatever I say or don't say always has to have a meaning. Negative meaning, of course.

Granted, I got so mad. I do want to protect her from all the pain and suffering but if she thinks, even for a moment that my life is somehow easier then she's dead wrong. If I wasn't with her, she'd be with some idiot who wouldn't even know about the future and couldn't keep her safe. There's a fat chance they'd die in the nuclear bomb that will take place at some point, sooner or later, and I'd be left with nothing. So yes, I'm fucking protecting her because I love her.

But what if the songs are wrong? What if love is not always enough?

Just as I close the door behind me I see a figure walking down the stairs. Robin?

That's that then - I see my chance. There's something we need to talk about… but I'm somewhat sure she's not going to agree with me. Somehow, the stunt she pulled one me earlier made it very clear.

I follow her in silence, all the way to the kitchen. I don't know if she noticed me or not, but from where I'm standing, it looks like she'd be so caught up in her own thoughts that she wouldn't notice even if a pack of reindeer ran past her. I stand in the doorway, leaning to the door frame and just watch how she goes through the freezer. Obviously she finds what she's looking for as her next move is to go through all the drawers in order to find what seems to be a spoon.

Only after few scoops, I clear my throat turning the lights on. She's startled by the sound and the spoon falls on the floor alongside with the ice cream. She doesn't say anything, only stares at me in shock… which in a matter of seconds, changes into annoyance and she bends down to pick up the fallen items. She stays behind the counter for few extra seconds, presumably cursing me to death or something, before she gets back up… After which she defiantly continues eating the ice cream turning her back at me, leaning on the counter behind her.

Oh I'm growing bored with this game. She's got secrets. Fine. Spill them out, woman. But that kind of approach is not working with her, is it? No. "So tell me, Robin," I start with very quiet, questioning voice, "did you run away?"

She doesn't turn around, only scoops another spoon of ice cream. "Run away? What you mean?" Does her body tense or am I just seeing things? And why the hell am I feeling a sudden rush of… I don't know, excitement?

"Did you run away in the middle of the night without asking me how I felt about this little time trip of yours?" I walk closer till I meet the counter and lean on it with both of my hands examining her back. Has she stopped breathing all the sudden?

"Why would I need your approval?" I hear her ask. Why? Okay, even to me that sounds like a stupid question. "I'm your supervisor, am I not?" So, yeah, I like to throw that at her face every other second but that's not because I'd mean or because I'd have a trouble with her being a female or anything… it's just that her attitude is driving me insane. She knows something but she's not telling me. She's come all the way here and she's already changed more things than she'd probably be allowed, but yet she cannot tell me more. What does it matter anymore? Whatever it is she's keeping from me, it's not worth keeping anymore.

"Oh right… I mean that… well…" I caught her off guard; she's unable to form a sentence. She wasn't prepared to talk with me at this time of night which only works for my advantage. Sometimes I do see how I could make such a great leader… When I want something done, there's no questions asked. I get it. Now what I want is information and she's gonna be the one to tell me. I think traumatizing little Sarah would be a bit too cruel even for me and that cuts my options to one.

"I wouldn't have let you come." It's a statement, not a question. This I know. I wouldn't have let her come, but it's the 'why' part I'm more interested in… because call me crazy, something ain't right with her story. The way she looks at me, the way she tears her eyes apart from mine… the pain and sorrow I see… The way she mentioned her child…

"Of course not." Her voice is cold again. Sheltered.

Fine. "So you ran out of our bedroom in the middle of night without telling me anything, right?" I raise my eyebrow waiting for her to turn around and, I don't know, slap me? Only she doesn't seem to realize what I said.

"So what if I did?" She spits out before she suddenly spins around with a panicked face. "Wait, no, what?"

There. "Our bedroom, you say?" Should I be shocked? Amused? Angry?

"No!" She frowns, but there's anger in her eyes… I see it clearly, but then her eyes fall down. "You tricked me. I assumed you said my bedroom."

It's almost funny. The way she's trying to squirm her way out of the situation. "Aha… right." But you know, I just don't believe her. "Want to tell me something else?"

She looks up again, but I'd say it's understatement to say what I see is anger. "Shut up, you piece of shit."

Oh yeah. It's rage. I make a mental note that the next time I decide to play tricks on a warrior girl, I might want to bring a gun with me. Oh well, little too late for that. The world needs to be saved and all.

God I hate my life.

* * *

**A/N:** Lyrics by whom else but Staind. The song would be called 'Run away' in case you're interested.

Yes, see the button below this thing? Says 'submit review' or something like that? Hit it.


	12. Chapter 11

**Title:** Questioning Fate

**Author:** Syrai

**Rating: **PG-13 for now anyway (for language. I am a fan of f-word)

**Genre:** Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

**Pairings:** Kate/John/New character triangle

**Status: **WIP

**Summary: **Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N # 1:** For the stupid little hobbit. May she always be as stupid… as she always has… and so on. (that's what I call a dedication, yeah baby) Anyway. Things are getting complicated. Mwuahahahahahhahah. We needed some Robin/John drama anyway.

Review and you'll get me writing faster. Thankies.

* * *

**11**

No you don't know what it's like

When nothing feels all right

You don't know what it's like

To be like me

To be hurt

To feel lost

To be left out in the dark

To be kicked when you're down

To feel like you've been pushed around

To be on the edge of breaking down

And no one's there to save you

No you don't know what it's like

Welcome to my life

Looking back now, I've come to the conclusion that I must be fucking insane to even try and do this. It's ok, I've always known I'm bit off in the head, but still… I wish someone had told me all this before I even attempted to go with this idiotic little quest of mine. It would've saved me from a lot of trouble and angst. I thought I could keep it all together, I honestly did, but then again, when have I ever been right? That's me being sarcastic. Cynical. Things suck.

I thought I could work it out. Ok, only now it seems I can't and that pisses me off. Things are not going the way I planned them to… not that I would've even had a single plan with what to begin this stupid adventure, but if I had had a plan, this would not have been it. Far from it. My plan would've been something that would've followed the whole 'not telling John anything' thing…

Why didn't I wait a little bit longer, I ask? Why didn't I wait till I knew for sure they weren't at Robert's anymore? If I had done that, I wouldn't have gotten into that stupid accident because the asshole wouldn't have driven like a maniac and pushed me off the road like he did. I've always known he's gonna be the death of me. I just never thought it could be taken so literally.

You know, things were so much simpler there, even in the middle of the war. I knew my place, every day. Sure it was painful to watch him lose hope like that; to watch how the world I used to live in got destroyed piece by piece and no matter how hard we tried, we really couldn't stop it. John changed the direction of the war before I came here, but who knows for how long? No one. That's why I came, right? Because I couldn't be sure and right now, I need to be. That's why I came. To end this.

Or maybe I'm just kidding myself. We all know I didn't come here to end this. I know we can never end this. The reason I'm here is to put things into the right tracks… at least I can give him information that will help him, you know? Information that will help him now, not after few years. Not after the death of our daughter.

Why the fuck do I go this same subject over and over again? It's not important anymore - why I'm here. I need to focus on what I'm gonna do and that's all.

… I must be one horrible mother, though. I did this all never considering the fact that my daughter might never be born now just because I fucked it up. Most likely she won't… I try to turn things around - maybe it's for the best? Who says she wouldn't die again? Sarah was right, wasn't she? Even she might not be born, but I didn't stop to think about that. I only wanted to save John from the pain. Or was it myself that I've been trying to save all along, huh?

Gods, it's all so fucking messed up. I miss him. Yes, I know he's right there, standing on the other side of the counter looking at me with questioning eyes and this unbearably sexy messy hair - which I shouldn't be thinking about! He's standing there, looking at me, but not seeing me… that's just it.. he's looking at me like I was some stranger who's come to mess up his life for no apparent reason and well, I guess I can't blame him for seeing it like that.

I never thought I'd miss the nights I woke up hearing him call out her name, but right at this moment, I do. At least then I could pretend he was mine.

"You and me, we had something going on, didn't we? I mean, in your future."

Shut up. I shake my head trying to reject the reaction his sharp words are causing inside my head. No, no. I can't let him know… I can't let him know the truth, because I can't handle him knowing. It'll only mess things up. Then the guilt hits its home. Guilt over the fact I actually do want to tell him… I swore I wouldn't. You do not mess up with the timeline. That's the decision I made when I came here to help him out… to sort their marriage out... I decided that I would not poke around the timeline unless I absolutely have to.

At the moment, I don't have to. I want to, but I don't have to.

"Don't fucking lie to me."

He sounds angry all the sudden, although just a minute ago he was mostly amused. I'm not sure what changed, but something did. The look in his eyes is dark and his face… he looks so angry. Any minute now and he'll jump over the damn thing and strangle me. Smash my head against the counter and demand me to tell he what's going. Ok, fine, John Connor would never go violent on a woman, but the question is, am I woman to him at the moment? Or am I just an enemy? Someone he hardly knows?

The fact I can't answer that question scares the living shit out of me.

And so, to keep my thoughts hidden from him, I choose to glare at him. Since I've come here, it's been the only thing I've done, hasn't it? I pout, glare, worry and glare some more. Only this time it's hard to keep the glare focused, hard to keep the cold look up. It's hard, because what I'm feeling inside is a far cry from cold…

"I'm not lying," I say trying to stop my voice from trembling. Shit, I've been trained for heaven's sake. I've been trained to deal with all kind of crap and this is the moment I go all weak on the knees? I'm lying to him, obviously and it seems he knows that, because the minute I say the words, he steps around the corner of the counter coming next to me. Gods, he's so close… too close. I swear my knees are buckling.

"I can tell you're lying. I don't know how or why, but I can."

Weird thing is, he's confused. Yeah he is. Confused by the fact he can tell it so clearly that I'm lying without knowing really why. He's always been good at that, only he doesn't know it yet. Be it me or his kids, someone from the Resistance or whoever, he's always smelled lies. It's a gift. I suppose this is when he received it?

"Tell me!" With that said, he grabs my arm forcing me to put the ice cream down. Fine. Have it your way then, asshole. Not that you'd know anything about the rules you made… about the rules you will make.

"So what if I am?"

I tense up and gasp for air … he probably thinks it's because of the way he's treating me, but it's not… I just realized something.

John? Did you make those rules because of me? Because of this? Oh god. Is this the reason you never told me anything?

"What does it matter?" I don't know what more to say, because right now, my mind is not on the issue here, but on something else… It's another possibility I never considered. Am I only repeating history? My own history and his future?

Am I doing what Fate expected me to?

"Tell me," he commands yet again with even stronger voice, "tell me if you and I were together."

Jesus Christ, why is it so important to him? What the fuck does it matter anyway? It doesn't change anything or if it does, it only makes everything more complicated. More conflicted. Nothing good can come out of this conversation and I know he knows that. But he doesn't care, does he?

The same old Connor.

"Yes," I speak through gritted teeth before my brain can stop me from doing it. Let go of me, damnit, you're fucking hurting me! I try to push him further away, but nothing happens - his fingers stay locked around my arm. "Yes, we were together. Happy now?" I spit holding in the tears. He doesn't say anything, not a word. Just watches me with this unreadable look on his eyes. I have no clue whatsoever what's going on in his mind, cause as always, John Connor keeps it all to himself.

"What do you want from me?" I ask after a silent moment, swallowing the painful burden in my throat.

"The truth, York, that's all," he says and unexpectedly, releases me. Like in auto-pilot, I step backwards to keep the distance between us. I need that damned distance. I need to breathe. Fuck. Just fuck! This wasn't supposed to happen.

"Why are you here?"

Haven't we been through this already? Out of all the issues we have on our hands, this is the one I though we covered up. Can't you see I'm not here to mess up your marriage? Can't you see I'm trying to protect it? Can't you see I'm doing it all for you? How can you ask me that, John?

"To help you and Kate," I answer truthfully, hoping he'll believe. He's leaning against the counter with one hand, the other raking through his hair... He sighs and my eyes meet the floor. I can't look into his eyes anymore. I can't face the coldness, the doubts, the questions.

"Why do we need help?" Alright, so that's a fair question to ask, I suppose. It's not that I'd doubt your abilities to stay alive, Connor. It's everything else I doubt. "We survived in your future. What makes you think we won't do it again? You're screwing up with time."

Yes, yes, I am. I think we've established that fact already, don't you? Many, many times. Even Sarah made it perfectly clear when we fought earlier. To think of it, she made it perfectly clear even when I left, didn't she? I fucked up with the timeline, yes, deal with that. Kinda like what I'm doing, you know? Dealing.

As if you had never changed history. You've sent your men back to the past, they've changed stuff. Little, insignificant details. Well, let me ask you; who decides what are insignificant details and what are not? Who says it wasn't you and your stupid soldiers who fucked up with the timeline and I'm only correcting things by cleaning up your mess? To save the future and all. Yeah, you think about that for a while, you arrogant prick.

Maybe that's what I should say. But I don't, because I do value my life. "No, you didn't," I state angrily. All the things I've wanted to tell him since I came, they're slipping out with me having no control over anything. It's annoying, but yet… refreshing. "She died. You lost hope. I fucking hated that and that's that."

He doesn't look angry anymore, or confused. Just curious. He's tilted his head to one side and the hand with what he just raked through his hair is massaging his neck. How can he look so calm all the sudden? Isn't he bothered by what I'm saying? "So you went against orders and came here?"

Look who's stating the obvious. "Yeah. Basically."

"Why?"

There's that fucking question again. Why? WHY? Now it's my turn to get angry. Really, really angry. It feels like I'm talking to a wall. Has he not heard any of the words I said? "I just told you why! Listen to what I'm saying, you idiot."

* * *

She thinks I didn't wake up when she got up from the bed, but I did. It's one of those little treats you learn while living in the middle of a freakin' war zone. I woke up the minute she moved but it's the little soldier within me that kicked in. I couldn't move, my body wouldn't let me. I guess it's because at first I couldn't remember where I was. All I could think was that the machines have found us and that I need to stay calm. That's the only way you stay alive - you stay calm and you calculate. You go through different possibilities and pick the best one. It only took me a few minutes to realize what was going on and though I could've gone back to sleep, I didn't. The dreams I saw weren't that pleasant anyway.

And so I followed her. Ok, technically, I followed dad who followed her, but it's all the same to me. She didn't notice him, he didn't notice me and so on. It's not the first time I've spied on them. I'm actually pretty good at that. They fought a lot, I mean dad and Robin, in our time. Our room, mine and Reese's, was next to theirs so I often heard them even though they thought they were talking quietly.

They were. But when you have your ear pressed against the wall, you hear a lot more than they want you to.

I still don't know what the fights were about though. All those heated arguments and I still honestly don't know. All I know is that when they fought, they threw some pretty nasty insults towards each other but the next day they always seemed to be forgotten. Guess they were cleaning air with all those insults or whatever. I don't know, but it often felt like the fights were caused by my mother somehow. She didn't even need to be alive to be in the middle of them… and now… she is.

Only this time it's Robin between them, isn't it? And they don't even know it yet.

How am I supposed to react to that? I love my mother, but I love Robin too. She's been there all my life, taking care of me when mom died. She practically raised me. Well. I shouldn't think about that… it's not said that I'll be born in this time, after all. It kinda sucks, but hey, what can I do about it? I lived once. I don't know if I need another life anyway.

As said. I might be 10. Almost 11. But I ain't stupid.

I know few that are, though. I'm listening to two of them… Christ, just listen to them! Idiots. I can come up with at least dozens of things to do and none of them involve fighting - well, unless it's a machine you're fighting. Kicking some machine butt, that's what my plan is. But my plans usually don't follow theirs… Not my fault they're stupid.

So Robin went and blurted the whole thing out. With that I mean she told dad about their… thing. To her defense though, dad was pretty much begging for it. It's something he was not supposed to find out, although, I don't think it even mattered anymore. Even if he did meet Robin of this time in the future, then so what? He'd know already.

You can't force Fate, huh?

I doubt that. Sometimes I think you truly can. We have a nice example right here - Robin's here, trying to force Fate to bend to her will and I'm here, trying to help her. Things have changed. We did this. Unless everything still stays the same… which would suck. I'd be born, but all of this would be meaningless. Worthless.

You know, me being the soldier I am, it's unbelievable I don't notice what's happening behind my shoulder. I'm sitting on the stairs, watching through the doorway how dad argues with Robin, completely oblivious to the fact there in reality, are others in this household too.

I come very aware of that little detail when I hear mom's - Kate's, that is, voice behind me.

"Aren't you supposed to be in bed?"

Oh… darn… I look up, swallowing, only to see Kate standing on the stairs wearing a robe to keep her warm. I think the robe is red, but it's hard to say in this darkness. What I can say though, is that this can't be good. I just know it can't.

_Crap._

* * *

After I ask her the question, I see him… well no, I hear him, to be exact. There's lights in the kitchen and from this high, I can't actually see John, but I can very well hear his voice as he speaks. He sounds… restless. I can't hear the words, but I know it's him. For one, he wasn't in the bed next to be when I woke up so who else could it be?

"You shouldn't go there," Sarah says interrupting my thoughts never answering my original question. Umm, what? I frown. Did she tell me not to go there or did I hear wrong? Who does she think she is?

"They're talking with Robin." Robin? "It's… private."

I'd swear. I'd swear and curse and say a few bad words screaming out my frustration, but it's a child sitting on the stairs below me, so I bite the insides of my cheek trying to keep my tongue controlled. I do have some manners, after all.

"Excuse-me, but that's my husband there," I point out as if it changed something. It should, damnit, but I doubt it does.

She shrugs. "That's kinda why it's private. Trust me."

Trust you? I suppose laughing at her face would be a little bit too harsh. But seriously, trust her? "I'd like to… but I don't," I say, "I don't know you." It's the truth. I like this nosy little kid, I do, but I don't know her and as far as I can tell, she might be one of those we're supposed to be fighting against. It's not likely, but it could be. I don't know her motives, I don't know why she really is here. I can't trust her till I know, and I doubt she'll tell me. So it's not looking good, is it?

"I know. It's your loss."

Er, anyway. I'm not going to stand here through the whole night. I need to know what's going… because as much as I hate to admit it, my doubts are surfacing again. All the questions I had earlier, are coming back. The fact we just fought with John doesn't really help… I feel threatened. I'm not sure if it's by her or because of her or if it's me feeling miserable in general, but I do. Something's not right. "I'm gonna go now," I state before slowly continuing my way down, "Something's happening under this roof and I intend to find out what."

"You're not gonna like it."

I stop looking over my shoulder. "What, are they having an affair?"

She laughs at the sarcastic tone of my voice. Yes, she actually lets out a small laugh, which seems weird to me. Almost as if she knew me well enough to tell I'm only scared. Beneath all this, it's just fear. "You really wanna talk about that stuff with someone this young, huh? To answer the question, no, they're not. They're talking about war-stuff. You don't need to know all of that."

I don't, huh? Well maybe it's not about what I need. Maybe it's about what I want. And what I want is to stay on top of things, especially when they have something to do with either John or this damned future that has been put on our shoulders. "I don't care. I deserve to know."

"Yeah, didn't say that. All I said is that you ain't gonna like it."

Right. We'll see about that, then.

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**A/N:** Lyrics: Simple plan with the song "Welcome to my life" It rocks. 


	13. Chapter 12

**Title:** Questioning Fate

**Author:** Syrai

**Rating: **PG-13 for now anyway (for language. I am a fan of f-word)

**Genre:** Tries to be everything, probably ends up with bad humor and lots of drama

**Pairings:** Kate/John/OC triangle

**Status: **WIP

**Summary: **Judgment Day never came. Sure, John Connor did get into a little accident and sure he did end up being locked up into a cage by Kate Brewster and yes, sure the big bad T-X showed up and ruined the day. Kate never lost his father only his (sorry for me saying) cute but dull fiancé – John and Kate were in time to stop it all from happening and killed the T-X. Ah yes, happy scenario - Kate ended up falling for John (yes the bad boy act still works) but what they don't know is that the worse is yet to come. So this is from where the story goes on, two years after they met - from year 2006.

**A/N # 1: **I know, I'm horribly slow with this one though I have no idea why... anyhow, soooorrryyyy!! And a big, huge thank you for all of those who come back every now and then to check if I've updated.

0000

**12**

"The future has not been written. There is no fate but what we make for ourselves. I wish I could believe that."

I swear my heart skips a beat when Kate marches in and for a minute there's no air for me to breathe, not a single sane thought going on in my head. I stand there behind the counter, wearing practically nothing and _fighting_ with my future husband when his current _wife_ decides to enter the scene and I'm thinking, _how is this possible?_ How fucked up is that? How on Earth can I ever explain this one to her, hmm?

Fucking hell, I told him. I made a mistake, a huge mistake and I'm sorry, so sorry! Well, great, shit loads of good that does, yeah.

"What's going on?" Kate demands with such strong voice that it actually gives me the chills. Boy. I always knew she was fit to be a leader, but I never really wanted to believe it. It was so much easier when I could tell myself the stories they shared about her were just exaggerated tales told by blindly adoring soldiers. Soldiers who thought John and his wife would be the second coming of a sort and save the Earth from the machines. Just like all the crazy stories I've heard about Saint Sarah, the all-knowing prophet.

My body tenses on its own and my horrified stare turns into an agitated glare.

"John?" Kate's voice cracks, but ever so softly that I don't think even Connor notices it. I did, though. Been there, done that; I'm all too familiar with that tone. Oh, all the times I've hated myself for using it. She's afraid and as much as I'd like to hate her, hate her so much, I sympathize. And maybe that's what's tearing my insides apart, clawing, ripping.

"Awkward," a voice pipes in behind Kate and only then I realize she's not alone. No, there's Sarah jr. behind her mother's back. How ironic. She's nervous, I can tell that much, and a bit scared too I guess.

"Christ," I sigh, closing my eyes and massage my temples to drive away the approaching headache. Could things be any worse?

"So?" Kate prompts in annoyance, narrowed eyes darting back and forth between me and John. Not that I could really blame her for being suspicious.

Suddenly John wakes up from his trance and moves to his wife. The edge of jealousy stabs me, stings, but I fight to keep my face straight. Don't think about it, just ignore it. This is the way it's supposed to be. Grabbing her arms, John gives her this _look_ that I know is meant to calm her down, lullaby her into false security. With me it always works, but not with her. Damn him.

"Kate, it's all good, okay?" John pushes and she frowns in confusion, not saying anything. I guess it's called processing.

Okay, my turn. "Sarah, go to bed," I try, attempting to plaster a stern look on my face, the kind that would actually make her follow my command. Whatever happens next, it's not something I wish her to see or hear. Despite the things she's been through, she's still a child; their child and though they may not know it, I do and I need to protect her. Sarah, however, takes after her mother and only lifts her chin in defiance.

"No. I'm not gonna let you guys fight now. You can't do that," she replies with a plead in her eyes. A plead I read perfectly and understand even better.

"We're not gonna fight," Kate says calmly, glancing over her shoulder and in that moment, I can't hate her at all, cause our goal is suddenly the same. Thank God the woman has some sense in her.

Sarah's quirks an eyebrow, demanding me to say something. "No, we're not gonna fight," I back Kate up softly, not even expecting John to say anything. But this John, he seems to have this amazing ability to surprise me every other second and so when he tells her we're just gonna sort some stuff out, I can't stop the confused frown. He's so different, so different from the man I married in my past.

"Okay, fine, whatever," Sarah gives up, rolling her shoulders, "I'll go back to bed then. You promise you won't fight?"

John nods, as do Kate, and I try to smile saying, "of course, honey, we promise. Now, go."

Then, with one final, meaningful look directed mainly at me, she spins around and walks away leaving us alone.

First it's silent for a few minutes. After I can no longer hear Sarah's faint footsteps going up the stairs, I clear my throat, ready. Ready for anything.

Kate catches my meaning right away. "So?" she speaks up, pushing John's hands away and instead folding her own arms in a shielding manner, "which one of you is going to explain me just what the fuck is going on?"

0000

"It's nothing," I say before York gets a chance to say something I'll regret for the rest of my days. Man. Terminators and killer machines, that I can handle, that I'm familiar with but _this? _This damn situation is like nothing I've ever been forced to deal with and I'm losing control here. I can't do this, I can't fix this.

"John's just asking a shit load of stupid questions," Robin claims in haste, blaming it all on me as expected, "and frankly I'm getting sick and tired of being accused of things, being suspected. I came here to help you but if you don't want my help you can get the fuck out of here."

Only, there's that one little thing I know for sure Kate pick up and rip apart… "It's my house," Kate points out, sarcastic smile hanging on her lips. Oh man, this is not gonna be pretty, is it?

"No," York bites back like a hound dog, "it's your father's house and I need him and his resources, not you."

"Okay," I raise my voices and throw my hands up in defense, "let's just calm down. All of us."

Alright, John, think. Think. You're supposed to be this bad-ass leader in the future, right? How do you expect to manage bunches of soldiers if you can't even settle this one, huh? Yeah, that's a good question, isn't it?

I glance at York to be sure she's not gonna open her mouth and say anything more and then, after I'm sure she really isn't going to fuck things up further, I turn my attention to Kate. She's looking down as if there actually was something to look at and it hurts, hurts so damn much to know it's me who's causing her this pain, this sorrow. I don't know what to do or say to make it better, I really don't. Maybe… maybe I was wrong. Maybe it would've been better for her if I'd simply let her go.

Then she moves, lifts her chin the way I saw Sarah do just a moment ago and looks me straight into the eye, "You know," she says, "all I want is the truth." That's my girl, that's the woman I-

"She's pregnant!" York's panic-filled voice cuts through my thoughts but the words don't seem to make any sense in my mind. Gods, could you be quiet for a minute and let me -- What did she say?

"You bitch," Kate sighs tiredly before lifting a hand to her face.

"Well," York starts, shrugging lazily, "someone had to tell him."

0000

Of all the idiotic things to do, she just had to go and do that one. Nice, real nice. As if things weren't messy enough between us to begin with. Go ahead and bring my unborn child to the conversation. A pawn to be used in your damned game… is that all my baby is to you, hmm? Tell me.

John doesn't say anything, but then again, I don't think Robin's little confession has really sunk in fully yet. Seems to me he's sort of having this blank moment during which absolutely nothing inside his head works. We'll just wait… no point in me denying it anyway. I'm not sure whether I should be afraid of his reaction or relieved by the fact it's finally out there… despite the way it got there.

John? I feel it the moment he returns to us, I can see it in his eyes. They come back to life. "Kate?" He questions, whispering and I turn my eyes away.

"I didn't…" I start and my hands crawl down to touch my belly, "I didn't know how to tell you." Yeah, there's that… and the whole me-not-wanting-the-baby-in-the-first-place. But that was supposed to be a secret, that was supposed to stay between me and Robin! That _bitch._

John's stunned, but even in the middle of it, he manages to form a question. Two, in fact. "How did she know?" He asks, "Kate, how the fuck did she know?"

I'm saved from answering, though, because that's when Robin decides to get her voice back. "Because I'm from the future, stupid," she barks, annoyed, "Because I've heard the fucking stories, okay?"

There's something about her… there's something about the way she speaks that makes me want to run and hide. I haven't know her for a long, but somehow… somehow I feel she's at her breaking point. That she's losing it. "What stories?" I ask, but carefully. I have no idea why the hell I feel as if I shouldn't upset her, but I guess it's always good to go with your instincts… even if it's me who should be the one falling apart.

"The stories of you, the great Mrs. Connor and the tales of the great Saint Sarah," she spits and suddenly she's pacing behind the counter, walking in a small circle, arms in the air, waving, talking, "Fine, I'll admit it, I'll tell you. You're the best damn thing in his life, you always will be and when he loses that… when he loses you… it's all over. It's all over and we lose. We lose!"

What the hell is she saying?

John doesn't seem to be on top of things either, because his respond is a simple: "What the fuck?"

"I didn't come here to stop the terminator," she goes on, ranting insanely, "Well, that too, but first and foremost… I came here to fix things between you two and now you've ruined it all. If John hadn't made me tell him about us I could've kept this all from you and everything would be fucking great! What did I came here for, huh? What am I doing here? I can't help you, you never let me help you. Not the future you, not the present you, I'm just never good enough, am I?"

It hits me, it hits me fast and hard and it almost stops my breathing. She's sounding as if… holy shit, woman. "Are you sleeping with my husband?"

She lets out a small, deep laughter. Disturbing kind, if you ask me. "As a matter of fact, I am," she snorts, "Well no, but I will be. Or I would've been. The fuck I know how time is supposed to work. It's crazy, it's all crazy."

That's the last thing she says before her eyes roll over and her knees give in.

A/N: Quote by John Connor (from "Terminator 3: the Rise of the Machines")


End file.
